Avoidance

Avoidance...it only gets you so far...
I have been avoiding a long distance friend of mine who recently became pregnant. I just couldn't hear all about her morning sickness and her perky "just don't stress and it will happen, " mantras. I avoid Instant Messenger, I don't text or call, I don't send her emails...but I did send her a Christmas card. The thing is, it has been a solid multitude of months and my avoidance has turned into guilt; guilt for feeling like a bad friend, a selfish and silly person.
I have been avoiding thoughts of a sweet little baby and if it will actually be possible for us to have one. I have even convinced myself that I am 100% fine without ever having one. I avoid the songs that I would set pictures of my baby's life too, I ignore the fertility and pregnancy books lounging on my desk, and I pretend that I have not spent almost a year and half of baby- making turmoil. The thing is, it has been a solid few months since I last visited with my doctor and I need to schedule a follow up appointment for next month, which scary to say, is just a day away (next month that is).
I have been avoiding having to take Clomid again; after my surgery and last doctor visit (in which he suggested a couple more hormone induced rounds if necessary, before the IVF road) I prayed and prayed just to be able to get a period, that way I could avoid all the prescriptions. I wasn't even praying for pregnancy, just the small 'baby' step of having regular menstrual cycles. Well, the thing is that it has now been a solid couple of months and I have been blessed with natural periods. So in this case I guess avoidance hasn't been a bad thing.
I have also avoided taking ovulation tests (I have had enough tests already to last me a lifetime) but now that I have had two natural menstrual cycles I am going to have to take the plunge and stop avoiding. I mean if I am having a period I should be ovulating, right? Isn't that how it normally works? I am so far removed from normal I don't even know...but I will find out soon. Of course my last two cycles have been abnormally long...the first one 41 days, this one 37 days. The instructions on when to start testing your urine for the "LH surge" only go up to day 40 of a cycle, and they say if each month varies on length, average the last three months to figure out the right day to start testing. I can't even be normal with a damn ovulation kit...I am over 4o days one month (?!??!?!) and I don't have three months to average (?!??!?!). I have tried to avoid feeling like a freak but again, avoidance only gets you so far...
So here I am with my freaky cycle, my pregnant friend who I will soon reach out to, my sappy songs on my iPod itching to be played, and my soon to be doctor's visit. It all catches up to you sooner or later and your head must pop up from under the sand.

I've become so numb...

Just the other day, someone whom I am not very friendly with, someone who up until the other day I thought disliked me, made the comment she couldn't wait for when I had children. She wanted to know if I wanted them and she said I would make a great mom. WTF??? Sure, what she said is really nice but would you have that conversation with someone you never normally speak too? I don't even like talking about having babies with someone I AM friendly with let alone a frenemy.
Then a day later I heard people in our driveway; I peaked out the window just in time to see our local policewoman mouth the words to Mike, 'So when are you having babies!?" I wanted to run out of the house and yell "None of your damn business 5-0!", but I didn't want to get arrested.
I was beginning to think that maybe people weren't saying dumb or insensitive things anymore and then I realized...I have grown numb to them and unless I have time to reflect, I don't even realize what's being said! I guess that's one positive to all of this taking so long.

Desperado

Last night I had restless dreams about taking a pregnancy test so this morning at 5:30 am I got up and I took one, I took a pregnancy test...
Let's rewind for a moment. A few days ago I realized my period would be due soon, and don't forget about my pretend pregnancy thoughts. I even was convinced I gave 'my baby' Fetal Alcohol Syndrome after one too many glasses of champagne Saturday night. So I peaked under the bathroom sink and pulled out my handy dandy First Response box opened with 2 tests (it was a 3 pack) inside. When you are trying to get pregnant those little suckers become as vital as water. Anyway I read the instructions to determine what day I could take the test early and lo and behold...the instructions used an example..."For example, if you are due on the 21st you can take the test on the 17th." Well no shit, I am due on the 21st and the 17th is just a couple of days away! I took that as a sign I should take the test early and maybe I was indeed pregnant.
So today is the 17th and I took the test early. I am indeed not pregnant. Sucks. But the box did say that if the test is negative try again 7 days after your due date if you still have not gotten a period. I know you will be shocked to hear that I will be doing exactly just that, hopeful that my "you have a baby inside you!" hormone level was just to low to read this time. My question is though, when does all of this stop looking hopeful and start looking desperate? Do I already appear desperate and I am too delusional to see it? I mean I have a freakin song picked out for the slide show of picture I want to put together after my baby is born; I can see pictures of Mike, me and our precious baby scrolling through with a powerful song to guide. When does that stop being sweet and start being pathetic? I feel like maybe I am pathetic and desperate, but what else do I have to go on? I have to stay in this mindset that it can...and it will happen. I can't even imagine the alternative.

And time, goes by, so slowly...

So I can't stop thinking about my whimsical approach to wishful baby thinking. I am still in favor of it; yes I will be disappointed if I am not pregnant this month, but will I be any more disappointed then when the pregnant test falsely said positive? I don't think so.
What I am not in favor of is the days that I don't really feel well, like today. I am tired, lack energy, a little sick to my stomach, and a bit of a grouch; having those symptoms puts me in a tail spin. There is nothing whimsical about my thinking now. Am I getting sick? Or am I really pregnant?? It most likely is the first of the two, but regardless, I slightly panic. I tense up my body and unravel my mind. I think more than anything what makes it so hard is having to wait to find out. I prefer instant gratification and it drives me mad that I have to wait another week and a half to know for sure. I would be fine if I was just sending positive vibes and being silly with occasional baby talk, but symptoms, they are the death of me. They take my easy, level headed approach and throw it out the window.
I really hope I am not getting sick, for a lot of reasons...but mainly for one.

Namaste

Well, Mike and I are still giving it the old college try...we can't say we didn't put the effort in this month. We are going to finish this week out strong and see where we land. I have a renewed sense of hope since the whole "natural period" thing. This month I have jokingly talked to my stomach and told Mike the baby is making me tired. A professional would probably say it's not sane or productive to live in make believe land, but in a weird way this light hearted fun keeps my sanity. I mean I KNOW that there is a very good possibility I am not pregnant but I have dealt with that disappointment so many times, that I don't think some silly "baby talk" will hurt me. And don't they say put out there what you want to happen? Don't they say to only think positive thoughts? So from my perspective all I am doing is helping my chances; I am working with the universe by fantasizing I got a bun in the oven. So while we decorate the tree this year and I think about a little baby and a baby's first Christmas ornament next Christmas, don't judge me...think positive with me and send some of that energy to the universe.

I'm Bringing Sexyback...

I want your sex. Oh me so horny. Push it good. I wanna sex you up. All I wanna do is make love to you. Let's get it on. Lover lay down. Love machine. I'm in the mood for...BABY Making!!! Yup, this would be the week of weeks. My period has come and gone, thank you Lord, and now it's all about ovulating. I stared at the ovulation tests at Walgreens debating whether or not I should buy a kit. Ultimately I decided against it. I got my period without pills, so maybe I will ovulate without tracking (and pills). I will let you know but in the meantime, I gotta go shake my groove thing .

Thanksgiving Blessing

I...just...got...my....PERIOD!!!! On my own! I went to pick up my prescriptions today and the Provera wasn't ready. So I was going back tomorrow; well I still need to go back because I should pick them up seeing I filled them, but...YAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I don't need the prescriptions. At first when I saw blood I wasn't quite sure what was going on as it's been so long for me and this natural period thing. It actually took a couple bathroom breaks for it to register. Then I realized I have been craving carbs, feeling fat, feeling cranky, and been really tired....A+B+C+D=PERIOD! I can't remember the last time I have been this excited. I definitely have something different to be thankful for at Thanksgiving this year!
Happy Thanksgiving; I hope the day finds you happy, healthy, full, and ovulating!

Delaying the Inevitable

I like to think that I face challenges head on; that even if it's uncomfortable or fearful I still pony up. Like I am not the biggest fan of flying...out come my rosarys and prayer cards, but I do it. I don't like conflict management...here come the knots in the stomach and hot face, but I handle it. So why is it that I delayed and delayed taking a pregnancy test that I needed to take ("just to be sure") before I start my period medicine followed by my ovulation (AKA here comes crazy) medicine? It was like a 12 step program for me. I was hoping that if I waited my period would come (it's been 2 weeks since the 'due' date). I just had surgery, surely I could get my period now. Then I thought about the Virgin Mary while brushing my teeth one morning. I have been praying hard on this and God can perform miracles; I mean if Mary got pregnant without even having sex...hello! I should be in business. Then reality set in and I thought about how much I don't want to take Chlomed again. Even if its just two cycles, that's 2 months of hell. But I also don't want to talk about IVF. I am in in such a bad place with this; just thinking about it now is making my throat feel tight and my breath short. I feel like.....like....I feel screwed. I feel like WTF, why can't I just get a freakin period and ovulate one month. I feel like I don't have it in me to go to the next step, it's like there is a wall there and I have no desire to climb it. I just keep thinking my body will do this on it's own. When I am running in the morning I listen to this one song by Sugarland and picture a collage of photos of our future baby and us being set to the song. I run faster. I keep running and I keep daydreaming and I keep praying.
This morning I finally took the damn test. I have lost count how many sticks I have peed on now. It's ridiculous. I should have stock in First Response. So I finally stopped putting off the inevitable and saw once again I was not, I am not, pregnant. I dropped off the prescriptions for Provera, Chlomed, and Prenatal Vitamins....kind of an ironic mix of pills huh? At least my hair is thick and shiny through all of this. There is always a bright side, right? Sigh.
I think I would prefer facing turbulence or an angry employee right about now...

Real Housewife of LHP

I am short on time as I need to hurry and catch up Real Housewives of OC, but I wanted to let you know, while I feel like I should have my period:
1. Bloated
2. Feeling of ovaries being sucked by a vacuum
3. Bloated
4. Cranky
5. Sleepy
6. Bloated

I do not have it. I was "due" last Thursday. On Friday I told my dear friend Jenny about the ovaries sensation and we were both hopeful. Not one drop of blood so far. I was totally thinking after everything I have been through with procedures the past couple of months I would be using tampons this month. Nope. I am going to wait until Thursday and then take a pregnancy test to "make sure" and then go back to crazy pills.
How is it the it appears all the unstable women of OC bore children and yet this stable woman of LHP can't seem to get there?

A (Wo)man of few words

I haven't had a lot to say the last few days. I am sick of thinking about getting pregnant and sick of talking about surgery. I just want to be normal. I want to worry about work, bills and my to do list, and not worry about ovulating. So for the last few days my attention has been not here, not on fertility. I don't know. I don't know what I want or what I feel about all of this madness we have gone through the past year. I am just over it. I don't have a lot to say; and now that I am thinking about it I am getting angry. I don't want to be angry. So I am going to stop thinking for right now. But remind me to tell you later about the woman who over the weekend said "I heard you had surgery. Are you pregnant?", implying she thought that I had IVF. This is a friend of my in-laws, someone who should not be asking me that kind of question, and is lucky I didn't backhand her. Again, getting angry, so we will save that story for later.

Good Days and Garbage Cans

I feel great right now. I am not sure if it's because I feel stronger each day post surgery. I don't know if it's a renewed sense of hope post surgery. I don't know if it's because my Yankees won the World Series, Baby! I don't know if it's because my hair just got colored a darker shade of brown and I LOVE it. I don't know if it's because I had a really productive day at work and felt valued. I don't know exactly why it is that I feel happy...light...carefree, but it's nice and I like it. It's been awhile since I can remember feeling this 'light' with everything that has been going on. I hope this feeling stays for awhile.
So Mike and I went to see my doc today and review results. As I figured he told me everything went "beautiful" and I am now safe to resume exercise. He did say that if I still don't get my period on my own then he wants me to try two more cycles of Chlomed before going the next step (to a fertility clinic). His thought is, now that I am thoroughly examined and cleaned out, now would be a great time to try Chlomed again (if necessary) since women have been known to get pregnant after surgeries like I have just had. He thinks if we can avoid the cost and intensity of the next level then we should try. My husband graciously piped in that I didn't like being on Chlomed because it made me feel "weird", which I then had to explain to Doc what weird meant. I didn't want to tell him details of how I kicked our garbage and cried in the fetal position while I was on that crap, so instead I told him it made me very emotional and made me rage. Being the funny guy he is, Doc said, "What? What is that? You would be like that anyway without the medication." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I think he was kidding, but he does tend to think I am on the more sensitive side. Doc said he hadn't heard of those symptoms being associated with Chlomed before; I told him I had friends who experienced similar symptoms and I read so online as well.
This led me later to think that there is a problem with patient and doctor communication. I think that women are scared to tell their doctor's the truth; we want to be good patients and not complain. We want to follow doctor's orders and come out of it shiny and smelling like roses...no issues and certainly not ones related to the mind or feelings. I think this is true, especially when the doctor is male. I love and trust my doc but I would have never mentioned the psychological side effects unless Mike brought them up. That is why Doc probably never heard before about the rage and emotional issues associated...no one has told him. We need to speak up. We need to stop taking it all as it comes and smiling false smiles. We need to say when it hurts and when it doesn't fare well for our psyche. If we don't we are doing an injustice not only to ourselves but to all woman. I learned a valuable lesson day, and it's to bring Mike to EVERY appointment from here on out. No, really, I learned I need to speak up for me, and for you.
Anyway, Mike and I talked about it and we are going to pray that I get my period on my own; if I don't get it we have decided we will do the Chlomed and see. Now we will both be on it...Mike's on it right now too for his sperm! Great, now there will probably be domestic dispute calls from our home. Just kidding. I hope. We decided....I decided, I am not ready for IVF so we will give this route a try. I mean I would give up, take a break, forget the pressure of baby making all together for right now if I could. I just need to get some sort of cycle though, which makes it harder if I am not, because then I can't really quit. For now I am on total prayer mode so that maybe we don't have to go either route and I can menstruate on my own like a big girl. If you can, say a prayer for me too. If you don't I just may come over and mess up your garbage can real good.

Backstreet's Back, Alright!

I can officially say I am back today. I feel like a human again, and despite a still sore and itchy belly button I am doing great. I am no longer weepy, sleepy, or in pain mode. I can move around all my myself and I was productive at work today. I miss my TV friends, Reg, Kelly, Whoopi, Elsibeth, Dr. Oz, Oprah and Ellen, but it feels good to be productive again. I can't wait to set my alarm for 5:30 and go for a morning run, especially now that it's light out earlier. Of course I can't wait for that while I am still on ordered rest. I am sure when it's allowed again I will grumble at that alarm. I can't wait to have a nice glass of wine...oh wait, I am right now...CHEERS! That's how I knew I was better, I wanted Chardonnay running through my veins again. Codeine, Percasets, anaesthesia, they are okay but they are not a glass of wine. Only thing that would make this glass better is if I was sharing it (well, not my glass, everyone would have to have their own glass) with my girls. By the way, hello? Anyone out there? Comments please, COMMENTS!
Tomorrow is results day. I am sure Doc will give me good news and send me on my way. I just really hope that after all of this I can menstruate on my own and then have my sweet baby girl (or boy if that's what the big guy intends). We should find out in a week or so...that's when I am technically "due" for my period. If I get a period without the help of Provera, AKA actually ovulate, you can bet Mike and I will be doing it like rabbits!! And if I don't get my period on my own? Well after over a week of 'pelvic rest' I am sure we will be busy anyway. I am going into TMI territory; a week off of the sauce will make you a lightweight every time. CHEERS!

Healing

I am slowly healing from my surgery on Friday. I am happy to be sitting up in front of the computer instead of laying down in front of the TV. It's all about baby steps, no pun intended...well maybe a little.
Friday morning I was surrounded by my mother, my father in law, and of course my wonderful husband. I was also surrounded by incredible nurses and doctors. I was nervous and emotional; I swore in the car on the way to the hospital when I couldn't get my rings off, and I cried in the hospital when I kissed everyone goodbye. I am not strong or tough when it comes to these things, on the contrary, I am quite a baby I believe. I don't remember much; Mike told me that as they wheeled me away, in a matter of seconds I mumbled "Should I be feeling this already." The next thing I know I was awake, drinking delicious apple juice, crying tears of joy for being awake, and asking to hug every nurse and doctor who was there with me. After that I remember somehow being dressed, sitting in a recliner and being in A LOT of pain. I know I was given two hits of the drug that killed Michael Jackson, PLUS two Percasets. At that point I was apparently flying high. My family sat around me and I was chatting away. I had to stay at the hospital until I could pee on my own, but I was so comfortable I didn't want to leave. I was on drugs, drinking apple juice and had an audience...I was doing great. Rumor has it I invited the nurses and doctors to the birth of my future child! I eventually peed (with the assistance of my post-op nurse, Hazel) and was wheeled on out. I waved and hugged, Sheila, Desiree, Dr. Rodriguez (the one who gave me all the funny stuff), my doctor, Dr. Chidiac, and of course Hazel. From there it was Mike who was the best caretaker of all.
In the past 2 1/2 days Mike has fed me, given me medicine, ensured I had fluids, helped me up and down, cleaned out my wounds and re-bandaged me, all the while keeping his patience. My mom dug through unopened boxes at the grocery store to make sure I got the most recent US Weekly and continuously brings me the healing power of Dunkin Donuts coffee and flatbreads. I am so blessed by all my family and friends who have called to express their love and care. I am slowly healing.
So what happened in the actual surgery? Mike and I are going to the doctor's on Thursday to review the procedure and results but from what the doc told my family, I had a really hard blockage and they had to "blow out" a few times to get rid of it. But it's gone and everything went "beautifully"; I "did really well". That's so funny to me, because what did I really do? I was knocked out cold with no idea what was going on, but I did great!! Ok sure, I will take the credit.
So I have two small incisions, one in my belly button and one on my pelvis. I am bleeding like as if I had a period. My insides don't hurt too bad, it's mostly just the cuts that hurt. All day yesterday I had a killer headache, probably from the anesthesia. My throat felt as dry as bark on a tree from the tube that was in my throat during surgery. I have a prescription for Tylenol 3 (with Codeine) and I have been taking that to ease the pain. I am sleeping a lot, and when I am awake I am watching cheesy movies. Today I actually feel human. I explained it to Mike as, I feel so much better than yesterday. It's like how you feel on the worst day of when you are 'normal' sick yet it's my best day so far. I know it's going to take time and I have to give myself that time. I am trying to be kind to myself, eat what I am craving and not care about calories or not being able to burn said calories. I am resting and taking it a day at a time. I do have a renewed sense of hope; I guess I feel like this is behind us and we can just take a breath now. It is one step closer to possibly having a baby although I know I can't get myself too glass half full. We may get pregnant after my week of doctor ordered "pelvic rest" or we may not. For right now, I am okay with it and I am just concentrating on slowing healing...physically and emotionally.

Honesty is such a lonely word

Ok, so I have to be honest with you; someone was honest with me about the procedure I am having on Friday (she had it too) and I am scared shitless. It was my own fault for asking I suppose. When I asked what her experience was like she said something a long the lines, “when I came to I was in pain. I was hit with morphine and then I begged for more. Then they gave me something else and I woke up about 30 minutes later feeling much better. They will make you stay until you can get up and pee on your own. It was a little hard to get up and move around after. They will put your legs in these weird things – I guess it’s to keep your blood from clotting or something – they are horrible. But then pretty much after that, it was ok.” I am so glad to know it is ‘okay’ after what sounds like to me, a whole lot of torture. My goodness; I am not sure what is okay. Is it the fact that your legs are no longer harnessed? Or the fact you can breathe without needing morphine? That you can go potty all by yourself? It is official, I am scared.

To top off the day, I got a call from the friendly pre-surgery screener, Sherrhonda. She asked me all about my medical history and then it seemed like the questions were getting personal. How long have I not been getting a period? Do I know why I am not getting a period? Do they think this ‘blockage’ is what is causing me trouble?” I must have sounded a little put off because then she proceeded to tell me that she doesn’t get a period either but her doctor told her it was “no big deal but she ain’t sure herself”. All of the sudden I felt like I was the one there to help her through her issues. I told Sherrhonda that she should probably get a second opinion since she only got her period twice is the past year. She made sure to let me know she was not trying to get pregnant since our in our exchange I had mentioned I was trying to get pregnant. Good to know Sherrhonda, good to know. Still probably want a second opinion. She also informed me that the pre-op nurse would call me tomorrow to go over the details. What the hell did we just go over then??

I really want to cry, scream, hid, and beat somebody. After this, whatever happens with baby making, I don’t know if I can even care. Right now I am perfectly content with our 2 dogs. And that's the honest truth.

I Vant To Suck Your Blood

In the Halloween spirit I had 5 or 6 viles of blood sucked out of my body yesterday morning. It was like a vampire attacked me. This is of course after I went to the hospital my doctor told me to go to, to get the blood taken prior to the surgery, and they then sent me elsewhere. Already missing a good night's sleep and the first hour of work, I drove to Fort Lauderdale only to be sent back to Pompano. UUUGGGHH. Apparently my insurance would only cover the blood work if I did it at a Quest Diagnostics, so, that is where I had to go. Oh there was one not too far from the hospital but I did not realize that until I was on my way to the one in Pompano. If you don't know South Florida I drove south to the hospital to go back north to Pompano and still had to go southwest to work. Lucky for me, Quest was not busy and I was able to get in rather quickly. Unlucky for me, the woman who drew my blood was like a scary Halloween costume with a deep, scary voice to match. I am going to just leave it at that.
Today I saw a call come in from a number I didn't know. I instantly thought, "OMG something is wrong with my blood work." With trepidation I checked my voice mail; it was the hospital calling but just to review pre-op logistics. Phew. I don't want to admit it and say it out loud, but in all honesty, I keep thinking horrible things. I am scared to death that they will find the big "C" or I won't wake up from the anaesthesia. BAD thoughts, BAD. It's kinda like when I went running this morning and was petrified there was a rapist in my house when I got back. So many bad and unknown things have happened lately that my brain is creating worst case scenarios. I want to only think positive and put light and good energy out there. I want to have faith in my faith...and I do for the most part, I just am having moments of weakness the past 24 hours. Maybe I am just lightheaded from all the blood sucking.

Sandwiches and Smooches

It has been awhile since I sat in front of this computer and typed about my worries and tales of woe. I was traveling for business this week and for 5 days I escaped the world I know. It was a good time to get away with the upcoming surgery, the break-in, etc. While I was away it seemed the bad news followed me though, as my mother called to tell me she was laid off after 11 years of service with the same company. I felt sick to my stomach and felt overwhelmed even after breathing in the mountain air of Denver and drinking my favorite flavored tea. But then I changed my thinking and said to my friend as we discussed it all, "At least my mom didn't lose her legs and I am not having heart surgery...it could be worse." I changed my perspective and then I focused on work. I enjoyed the mindfulness I had on presentations and training. I appreciated the long days and busy hours. I welcomed the ever changing time zones and early wake-up calls. I welcomed conversations with old friends who made me feel 5 years younger and a little more carefree. All of these things, even if just temporarily, made me forgot I am fighting to get pregnant and down 20 pieces of jewelry.
I came home Friday night feeling okay but it's hard to stay in Escapeland for too long. Reality always has a way of slapping you in the face. There is a list a mile long of things I need to do now that I am home. I am slowly checking them off. Tomorrow will be blood work at the hospital for my upcoming procedures. Ugh. If that isn't reality saying "good morning and welcome back" I don't know what is. All the pressure is really getting to me...to us. There have been a few days of lost tempers and feelings of distress. My husband and I both have so much on our plates right now and the fullness sometimes gets the better of us. What's nice though is that the better of us always seems to prevail...like today. After intense negative feelings and an early morning argument, a simple 'peace be with you' during Mass, a chicken sandwich made for lunch, and a meaningful kiss on the lips erased the negativity. I sure do make a good sandwich, and Mike sure does give good kisses.

Burglarys and still no Babies

So as if the week couldn't get any worse, our house was burglarized yesterday. All of my best and favorite jewelry was stolen, along with some stupid CDs. I feel violated, sad, scared and angry. I am officially PISSED OFF! I mean I am really, truly trying this whole enlightenment thing. I am trying to breath more, judge less, and not take things so hard, but come on. Someone is testing me BIG time. I forgot to mention that I thought my cat was dying this week too, but that God Frankie just had a crazy mouth infection. I am beyond the stage where wine makes it better. I am at the point where I just want to live in an igloo with my Uggs. But in the meantime I am busy filling out police reports and reading up on laparoscopys. Good times.
I won't bore you with the details of all my jewelry pieces now gone, but I will share with you some highlights from my procedures in 2 weeks. I will be quoting my favorite statements from my research. Mind you, this is supposed to be 'nothing to worry about.'
Laparoscopy is a surgery that uses a thin, lighted tube put through a cut in the belly...used to find abnormal growths (such as tumors) in the belly or pelvis...check for damage to internal organs, such as spleen...conditions including cysts, adhesions, fibroids, and infections...fix a hiatal hernia...partial removal of the colon. You may be asked to use an enema several hours before the day of the surgery.
D+C involves expanding or enlarging the entrance of a woman's uterus so that a thin, SHARP instrument can scrap or suction away the lining of the uterus and take tissue samples. Often used for Fibroids and polyps, Endometrial cancer, or incomplete miscarriage.
Now, you tell me, does anything I listed sound like something you wouldn't worry about? I got emotional talking through all of our challenges and my doctor was like "DON'T overreact." I felt like saying "You DON'T freakin overreact to my overreacting and shut your mouth person with a penis! I don't see you getting a sharp instrument up your manhood. You are just sticking one up my womanhood, so ZIP IT!" But instead I dried my tears and followed doctor's orders. I am sure he is right, this won't be so bad, and he won't find anything scary or major, he will just clean me out and get me ready to receive Mike's swimmers when they grow up!
I am drinking tea right now. It's supposed to calm you. It's part of my enlightenment routine. It's not really working. I am going to need something stronger to go back to my police report, maybe I will put on my Uggs and drink my tea.

No news is good news...I wish I had no news...

The other 'not good' day had nothing on today. I am not much for talking or typing right now, but long story short I do have blockage in my tubes, now I have to go in for another procedure, and this time through my freakin belly button (plus a DNC). I will fill you in on the details of the procedures later but for now I am too pissed and sad to get into it. I mean really, does it have to be that every time I go to the doctor I need to schedule a procedure? Can't I catch a break? The good news is I will at least be put to sleep this time. The bad news, I am afraid of being put to sleep because I think I will never wake up.
Anyway, on top of my issues my husband's sperm is...BAD. Low volume and high mortality rate = not a lot of swimmers and the majority of the ones there are dead. So now he is on Chlomed! Who knew that a man could take the same fertility hormone prescription as a woman. Let's just hope he doesn't go psycho like I did on that shit. I won't be able to handle it as well as he did.
At a later date I will fill you in on how my doctor told me I am 'overreacting' when I started to cry about all of it, how I had therapy schedule right after (God's always watching out) and how my therapist gave me potpourri which made everything just lovely for a moment. But for right now, I am going to finish this glass of wine, put on pjs, and sleep my ass off.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow...

I love ya tomorrow, you're only a day a way!! Tomorrow I go to my OBGYN for the 44th time this year (I think that's an exaggeration, I really have no idea how many times I have been there, but it is a lot)! Tomorrow is to review the results from my hysteroyoucantgetpregogram and to review the results from my husband's 'test'. He had to masturbate into a cup, big deal, but you would have thought he was the one getting a catheter stuck up him along with all the other poking, prodding and medications that have been prescribed. I love my husband dearly, but it took him 7 months to complete his one task and he freaked out any time I asked him if he had taken care of 'it'. 7 whole months to get his boys in a cup to be tested...I could have almost had a baby in that time! When he actually did get the courage to do it, he said the room was dirty with stains, it was disturbing, and he wasn't sure if he got enough juice out for the mission. We will find out tomorrow. I am sure he did squeeze out what was needed, I don't imagine the lab requires a cup full, and I am sure he is a-okay. I mean, I am not getting a period on my own (all done with my Provera for this month and still waiting) which is a pretty good sign that the issue is on my end. But in order to go on to 'the next step' we both need to be tested. Sigh. I don't even want to think about 'the next step', so I won't...until tomorrow...because that's when the sun will come out.

Rattle and Hum (minus an actual rattle)

I am getting ready to go to Tampa on Friday. I am going to see U2 in concert which is one of my most favorite things to do. I see them whenever they tour and I usually cry at the show because it is such an amazing experience. My hubby has never seen U2 live so I am very excited to introduce him to the most fly concert known to man (or woman). What's crazy is that when I had the false positive pregnancy test back in April (and actually thought I was preggers for 24 hours) I counted out the months to see how far along I would be for the concert...about 6 months. I was EXCITED because I could tell my child and anyone else who wanted to know, that his or her first concert was U2; that we truly, in every sense of the word, experienced the show together. Sounds kinda ridiculous right? I guess when you are pregnant or think you are pregnant or are even just thinking about being pregnant you plan things for your baby. You want them to have the most amazing experiences, the best of everything, a life filled with breath taking moments. So I guess that is where my mind was back on the Easter Sunday morning as I checked off the months on the calender.
Even though I am not with child and can't mark this as 'baby's first concert' I am still entirely out of my mind excited for the show, and the good news is (yes I can drink) but the good news is that I get to experience the concert with the father of my, our, someday baby.

Rx

Do you know what my crazy ass did this morning? I took another pregnancy test. I woke up and thought “I still feel bloated and tired. The first pee is always the best pee so why not give that lonely stick sitting in the box a whirl.” Not sure if I thought I would get a different result than Saturday; actually I didn’t think I would get a different result, but nonetheless I felt the need. Maybe because it’s been a week since I was ‘due’ and wanted to celebrate the anniversary? You have to find ways to keep yourself entertained through this experience. Anyway, instead of going to pick up Saltines for morning sickness, I will be going to Walgreens today to pick up my Provera to kick start that period again. Did I tell you why I only do drive-thru pick ups now? Oh yes, there is no going inside for me when it comes to picking up the P (that’s what I like to call my Provera. Kinda makes me feel like a badass going to get her supply, get her fix. Again, gotta keep it interesting). So the story behind only going through the drive-thru…the last time I went inside to get the P...picture this…

5:30 PM on weekday. The store is busy and as I walk my way to the back of the store I notice all the lip gloss and mascara. On my way out I will have to check out the latest colors and fat lash brushes, I think to myself. I get to the back of the store, AKA, The Pharmacy and I am instantly in a crowd. People are there to pickup, drop-off, ask questions, and some even seem to be there just to take their blood pressure. The older folks especially enjoy that machine. Anyway, I shimmy my way to the counter and state my name and that I am there for a pickup. It takes a minute and while I am looking at Theraflu flavors I hear my name called. I go to the counter which is swarming with people (thank God not bees) and with an attempt at an inside voice but still rather loudly, the pharmacy tech says, “Mrs. Bollon, are you pregnant? You shouldn’t be taking this medication if you are pregnant and we have a note stating you are pregnant.”
Okay, first of all…are you kidding me?? They have a note? From who? Certainly isn’t from me, my doctor or God because all of us know I am 100% not with child.
Second of all, do all these people need to be staring at me right now, waiting for an answer like they are watching Deal or No Deal and anxious to see what’s in case number 12? This is personal business, not a broadcast. I swear, even the older woman on the blood pressure measure is checking me out.
I calmly and firmly state that I am not pregnant. Inside I feel panic and embarrassment, but I am fairly confident I portrayed an un-rattled woman. The tech seems confused, people are still staring, and I just want the hell out of there. After what seems like an eternity, things return to normal, the pharmacy is a buzz with waiting customers, the older woman is concentrating on her blood pressure results, and I am handed my P. I quickly escape the store, unable to even enjoy the high of examining the latest in lash wear, and lock myself in to the safety of my car.

Maybe for someone who wasn’t going through fertility challenges it wouldn’t have been as traumatic, but for me it was. I still can’t figure out why I was embarrassed…why should I be embarrassed? I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I guess thinking about it now, it was just for the sheer fact that I wasn’t pregnant and had to say it aloud for strangers to hear and felt like they would judge me and try to guess what I was taking and why. I shouldn’t care if that is what anyone was doing but I guess I did. It’s hard enough going through this without additional attention or judgement.

So that is why I now use the drive-thru for my prescription. Either that or Mike picks up the P for me…it’s a pretty safe bet that they won’t ask him if he’s pregnant.

Enlightenment

So it's been a few days since my mini breakdown. I am happy to report that I am much better and not demanding to be alone anymore. I will refill my Provera prescription and start again next month. I bounced back rather quickly; I have learned over the last couple of years that you only hurt yourself by wallowing for too long. I have also recently learned other lessons.
I just finished reading The Shack. A must read for anyone who is looking to better themselves and/or is going through a difficult time. The book really boils down to three basic principles: life is about relationships, learning to trust those you have relationships with, and being non judgemental. It seems simple enough but there are so many layers to each principle. I am trying to peel away each layer and apply the principles in my life; primarily the principle about relationships...my relationship with God, my husband, my family and friends, all those I come into contact with, and myself.
So how does this apply to baby making? Well the more I understand and nurture myself, God, my husband and all other relationships, the more I am at peace. And the more I am at peace, the more I can trust. And the more I can trust the less judgmental I am of those who may say inappropriate baby making comments; the less I judge God for not giving me a baby yet; the less I judge myself for my part in harming this process and my body. And the less judgmental I am, the more at peace I feel, the more relationships I nurture, and ultimately the more ready I am to receive. Hopefully the receiving is all about conceiving...but I don't know and for right now I am trusting what it is and will be.
For the record though, it is still annoying and uncomfortable when I have conversations like I did today with an old colleague, "Soooooooo, what's new with you and Mike?" and after I say "Nothing much", and discuss other things and people, there is still a void and silence on the other end, so I end up filling in with "but we are trying for a baby so hopefully soon." As much as I try to improve myself and improve my life, I will always Grrrrr inside with scenarios like that and when things I don't want to hear are said. I may be semi enlightened but I am still human.

Not a good day

I am so sick of this. I am sick of the ups and the downs and trying to deal with the disappointments. I am sick of trying to laugh about the craziness of it all. I am sad. I am angry. I don't understand why. Why for a year now I have had to take a pregnancy test every month, hoping for the best and always getting the worst. AGAIN, today I had to go through this. And what was the outcome? I am sure it is obvious.
I have felt like crap all week, headaches and nausea. I have been so tired. I kept thinking about a baby inside me...maybe just maybe this was the month. I refrained from taking Motrin this morning when I woke up with a terrible headache and have dealt with said headache all day "just in case". I didn't want to hurt the little fella or girl. Well I just took my God knows how many I have already taken test and it was negative. The good news I got to take Motrin. The bad news...I am devastated. More so then any other month. I mean after the procedure I had (which in many cases has helped other women get pregnant), the symptoms I was feeling, and the fact that I have been doing this for a year now...MY GOD, I thought this might be it finally. UGGGGGGGHHHHHHH, I am so upset right now. I am crying and yet ranging on the inside. I want to be alone. Totally alone. I just made my husband leave the room, shut the door and let me be. I don't want noise. I don't want comfort. I just want to be alone.

Let me tell you a story

The end of this week will bring the "am I or aren't I" knocked up drama; my period is due this Saturday. So I don't know if I will get said period, not get said period because per typical I don't get one without Provera, or if I don't get said period because the seed was planted. I am overly eager because some women have been known to conceive right after the hysteropingpongagram, and like I said a few days ago I have already had baby "symptoms". This morning I woke up with a very sore lower back (maybe baby??) but that may have something to do with my jumping jack/squat thrust combo Sunday afternoon. Or it could be period symptoms. That's the kicker with this baby making journey...period and pregnancy symptoms are practically identical. GRRRRRRRRRR. Oh and just because I don't get my period on my own, don't think I don't get PMS symptoms on my own, because I do. Double GRRRRRRRRRRR.
Totally off subject but in line with my GRRRRRRRing, this morning a co-worker bounded into my office to show me a picture of her brother's baby and she went on and on about the labor, delivery, etc. I felt like shouting I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. I think even if I wasn't going through the fertility challenges I wouldn't care. I made a mental note that if I ever get preggers I will not show people once removed pictures of my child. People don't really care about someone they don't even knows baby or their labor pains. I mean, except for all of you who do actually care about my 'woe is me' baby story and life. Right?!

This ain't the Girl Scouts

The more people talk the more you realize you are not alone. I think this goes for anything; it's kinda like when you buy a new car and then every car on the road is the same as yours! As humans we need to make connections and we need to feel a part of a group. As we are all aware, I am part of the "Not Getting Pregnant" club and more members seem to join each day. Just the other night as I was partaking in another club, a book club (code for drink a lot of martinis club), I found out that yet another woman is a member of NGP. We talked about the pluses (lots of sex) the minuses (hysteroyoudontwanttogetitgram) and everything in between. As we were laughing, cursing and drinking our way through the conversation I came to realize...even if this club sucks, the women in it surely do not. All the women I know and have come to know in NGP are amazing. Each one possesses qualities that make her remarkable...Shannon her kindness and compassion, Rebecca her zest for life and meaty laugh, Nancy her strength and wisdom, Tara, her easy ways and grace...and the list goes on. These women already have the characteristics needed to make them good mothers; they have gifts from God so that when they do have babies, they will create a life for their children that is filled with love, guidance and greatness. Maybe these attributes are also the reason that they have to tough it out on the road to bearing children. The same qualities that make someone a great mother are also the characteristics that make someone viable and strong in the face of adversity. So while we hope we all graduate from NGP we know while we are there we are in the best possible company.

Maybe baby?

Why is it that whenever I am really tired now I automatically assume I am pregnant? I don't even get a period on my own most of the time, and yet if I am exhausted my brain says, "OMG, you must be pregnant because you are SO tired." Women who are pregnant are usually SO tired.
My husband and I were driving home from a Chamber of Commerce event, an event in which I turned down wine (GASP) and an invite to eat at one of my favorite places for dinner (WOW). I just wanted to get home and relax; so in the car ride home I said out loud "maybe I am pregnant". It seemed random out loud but I already had check-listed that I dissed wine, turned my nose up to good food, and instead opted for pjs and bed. Mike, never one to get overly excited (therefore never overly disappointed) about the possibility of being pregnant and knowing how my random thoughts work responded, "maybe it could do with that fact that you just had 2 killer and long back to back days at work, on top of a fun but tiring long weekend away." Maybe, but....I did just have the hysterofoshizzleagram which women have been known to get preggers right after having...and I did feel like I was maybe ovulating earlier in the week. I am not really sure what ovulation 'feels like' but this week it kinda felt like eggs were climbing downstairs. When I got that feeling I took full advantage of my husband in hopes of taking full advantage of the potential ovulation power. I know that it would be unlikely I would have symptoms one week or 2 days after getting knocked up, but maybe I am clairvoyant or something. Maybe my body gives early signs since it's taken so long to get those eggs downstairs. Or maybe I am just tired from a long 2 weeks. I know Mike is thinking the latter, but me, I am okay thinking it's a possibility. Who knows maybe I am with child and can start reading palms.

Heart Aches

So here I am, back in front of my laptop like no time has passed at all, when in fact it has. The last 6 days (minus today, back to reality day) were blissfully fun. Mike and I spent quality time with family and friends, drank good wine, danced, and cheered on the Yankees. We were also exhausted come Monday morning 6 am to catch our plane, but it was worth every slept deprived moment. We also spent time with children and yes, I saw Kerri's baby. So here is my synopsis and feelings behind my kid friendly experiences:

• Little boys are tough but tender. Mike's cousin Nikki has 2 boys who are 7 and 5, both into sports and fighting with each other. At one point the 7 year old body slammed the 5 year old (for knocking over his Jenga tower) to the floor and the 5 year old ran, wailing into Mike's arms. I watched my husband soothe and hug a crying child and my heart ached. These little rugrats are also both into snuggling with me when no one else is around. We spent early Saturday morning curled up on the couch, all under one blanket, watching something on Nickelodeon while everyone else slept. I cherish that memory and again, my heart ached.
• Children grow up so fast. My dear friend Jessica has 3 children, her first being Lexi. I remember holding Lexi, just 7 hours old in the hospital. It was amazing because I had never seen such a tiny creature before; I was so scared I would hurt her. I remember that day so clearly and Lexi has such a special place in my heart. Well when I walked into the Outback (they have delicious salmon by the way) where we were meeting family and friends for dinner and I saw Lexi, I caught my breath. Here she is 9 years old now and a lovely young lady. Where did the time go? When did this little baby turn into a little fashionista with hot boots and a model like smile? Again my heart ached.
• We all grow up so fast. Mike and I spent time with other dear friends, Jen and Dave, and we were talking about how their oldest Sarah is now in middle school...I was in middle school when Jen and I first met. Really?? How is that possible, that she has a daughter the same age I was when we rode the bus together? How is it that I am now that old when it seems like just yesterday I was playing with Barbies and stressing about the first day of school? Guess what, again my heart ached.
• Babies are cute but they also sleep a lot when everyone else is awake. We saw cousin Kerri's baby for a brief time at the wedding and the baby was...sleeping. I didn't get to hold her or see her eyes, but all snuggled in her carrier, peacefully asleep, she looked adorable. I know you are thinking that again, my heart ached but you are wrong. While Kerri had to leave before the reception started seeing that the baby was just a week old, to feed and care for her bundle of joy, I had a bundle of wine and bundle of a fun! I know, it sounds terrible but hey, us fertility challenged ladies need to take advantage of the open bar and dance floor while we can.

The Day After

I am happy to report that I feel just fine the day after my little procedure. I was quite sore most of yesterday but I feel good today. The best thing is that I haven't had any bleeding... but I do keep thinking about what was said during the procedure, something I did not want to hear. "I can't find it." Can't find what, Doctor?!? What can't you find?? What's up there that you are looking for that you can't find?! Turns out, as Chris quickly told me in passing, that my right Fallopian tube is not visible which means it is fully blocked. She wouldn't say much else other than my left tube was clear, you only need one good tube to get preggers, and I need to talk with my doctor. GRRRRRRRRRRR.....I like to grr a lot these days. I wonder what my doctor will say, "You are working on a one way street and we need to open a lane"? According to Chris I just need the one lane but I am thinking two lanes probably wouldn't hurt the baby making process.

I leave tomorrow for New York; Mike and I are heading up for a long weekend and for his cousin Matt's wedding. His other cousin Kerri ( who is my Facebook friend but I have never met) who also lives up there just had a baby girl. I will get to see and hold another baby...2 in one week! Is God trying to give me a sign, like 'get use to this'? Or is he just teasing me, like 'check out everyone else's cute little bundles that you can't have'? No, I know God loves me and takes care of me, I am just trying to be cute and satirical. Neither is really working for me right now. Anyway, I will be on a mini vaca...I don't think I will be posting while I am gone...try to fight back the tears, I will be back before you know it.

Chris, Diana Ross and Dr. Happy

I had myself so freaked out that I woke up in the middle of the night dripping in sweat. I was quiet and tense on the drive to the hospital. I conjured up all sorts of fearful scenarios while in the waiting room. Was it worth it, all the worrying? Who is to say, but I do know that I am happy my hysterosaywhatagram is over. It was not horrifyingly horrific but it was not like sharing a hot fudgey brownie ice cream sundae with your best girlfriends after buying new makeup and shoes.
Chris, the nurse that assisted with the whole procedure likes to sing oldies and pull pranks. We were walking down the hallways to the procedure room, me nervously wringing my hands, when she walked us right outside and said that's where the event would take place. Oh Chris, you are such a comedian. Once inside the actual room she gave us a 'show and tell' with the catheter and balloon that would be put through my cervix. FYI, your cervix has an opening shaped like a donut...you learn something new everyday. She begin to hum and had me get down to business in the bathroom. I peed, stripped down, put on my gown and wished that was all I had to do. Once settled, I kissed my hubby goodbye as he was (gratefully) banished to the waiting room. While I was getting prepped on the table Chris was humming and told me about singing along to 'Stop, In The Name Of Love' with one of the other nurses. I am not sure what the point was of the story but I can't get the song out of my head now. Then Chris called in the doctor who looked like he needed a happy pill with his coffee. The table was cold, the room was cold, Chris' hands were cold (she was kind enough to hold mine and stroke my cheek).
So here's how it goes...the doctor rubs an iodine type solution all over the vagina area, then the speculum is inserted, followed by the catheter and balloon. That's when you say OUCH and squint your eyes and start breathing fast. The whole point of this is to x-ray your Fallopian tubes so when they get you where they want you, you have to hold your breath and hold still. Say CHEESE for the camera. The you have to tilt to the left...strike a pose...and then to the right...vogue...and then back down. All the while you have the speculum and catheter inside. Before Chris and Dr. Happy started they told me I could watch on the monitor. My eyes were closed the entire time. I was just concentrating on trying not breath too fast or flinch. Chris kept telling me to picture a little baby, a sweet baby girl (does she know something I don't about the sex of my future baby??). I had to keep my eye on the prize and remember this was all for a good cause. At one point they had to move me up and I had to straighten my legs. For whatever reason, that was the hardest part. Luckily it doesn't take more than 15 minutes or so and it does go by fast. When it was over I did cry a little...the pain, the experience, the emotion. Before you can get off the table they have to put a towel down because you have dye and blood flowing out of you. There is some cramping and leakage but for the most part you are okay. Chris walked me to the waiting room where I was reunited with my hubby. I was so happy to just hug him and I was so grateful he was there and he was mine. Chris walked us out and told me to keep her posted...she has been known to get a few ladies knocked up after this and hoped the same for us. I gave her a big hug and thanked her for being so kind. SHE seemed so grateful for my hug and then Mike gave her one too. If I do get pregnant because of this or because of some of Chris' magic I will be eternally grateful. And even if I don't I will still be eternally gratefully for Chris' comfort and care, my husband's love and support, and for Motrin's ability to relieve pain. I am going to put my feet up now, take a nap and try to shake the Supremes singing in my head.

I got a new attitude...

The last two days I have been out of commission and therefore so has been my blog. I hosted a big party Saturday which made for yesterday to be a clean-up, exhausted, slightly hungover day. It's okay though because it will get ALL you readers accustomed to when I am vacation at the end of this week and I potentially don't post for a few days. But here I am today, back and better than ever except for excruciatingly sore calves from dancing and jumping all over the place for hours on end at the party. I am going to enjoy today and not care about the sore calves because tomorrow I have a feeling they won't be the only things that are sore. This time tomorrow I will be underway with the hyesteroscaryscaregram. Up until this morning I haven't really given it much thought which is so uncharacteristic for me...normally I stew over something for days, hours and minutes. I get myself all worked up and my stomach in knots. My belly does feel a little fluttery but old habits die hard and other than the flutters, I would say I am doing okay. I figure if I am eventually going to get a bun in the oven this little procedure tomorrow will be easy compared to pushing an 8 lb human out of my vagina. It's all about your perspective and for right now I am having a positive one; I am sure that will change around 7:30 tomorrow morning...

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot...

Today I went to visit a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in 3 years and who happened to just have a baby. Why it had been 3 years since we last saw each other is a mixture of circumstances, growing in different directions, and in the end the lack of time. I have come to the conclusion that the more you don't see or talk to someone, the less time you seem to have to reconnect down the road. But seeing her today brought me back; I had memories of people, places, things, songs and moments. I recaptured a part of my life that seems so long ago, a time when I was a Yankee new to South Florida and didn't know what was in store. I was a girl, although already in my twenties, a girl who still had so much to learn about life, love and herself. Those years were amazing years and it was good to see an old friend. She lived in the same house but it was decorated differently, more grown up. Her baby boy was peacefully sleeping in the swing and looked like a perfect angel. When he awoke he was hungry and cried for his mama. I got to hold this 4 week old person in my arms and thought about how blessed my friend was, and I was truly happy for her. I wasn't envious or sad for myself, I was just happy for my friend and the journey she is to experience with her son. May God bless them always.

Dear Abby isn't the only one with advice to give...

Last night as I was thumbing through Woman's Health magazine, I stumbled across an article about what to do if you want to get pregnant "someday". It gave women advice on what to do if they want to get knocked up in 5 years...stop smoking and floss everyday. The article gave advice if you want a bun in the oven in 2 years...exercise and eat healthy. And the article gave words of wisdom for if you want to be preggers in a year from now...reduce your stress, drink less alcohol and eat more dairy. Okay, I am a big advocate of Woman's Health magazine and I take a lot of tidbits from their columns each month, but really? Their advice on long term pregnancy = examples of everyday healthy living. Living healthy IS important on the road to pregnancy but I hate when I see things dumbed down. When it comes to trying to conceive it is not one size fits all. I already exercise and floss everyday and look at me. I appreciate the effort to make women more aware but I think the article ended too early; there should have been a paragraph on if you wanted get pregnant yesterday. What should you do then, after you have eaten a yogurt everyday and haven't touched a cigarette in years? Mind you, I am still enjoying my glass of wine, but I hardly think that's the cause of my infertility issues. Regardless, all aspects, 5 years from now to 5 days ago, need to be talked about and brought to light. In the meantime I will enjoy my banana flavored Dannon Light, keep doing my push ups, and pretend I didn't read about cutting down on wine...

Clear Blue Sike-out.

I would like to backtrack to a beautiful Easter morning, April 12, 2009. It was the day after my birthday and I woke up a little bleary eyed from celebrating at a dueling piano bar with my hubby the night before. I was also a week late but that was par for the course for me. I don't typically get my period on my own, so I have to take a pregnancy test month after to month to see I am not pregnant before I can take more pills to get a period and take more pills after that in hopes of ovulating. The later pills, AKA Chlomed, never really did the job they were supposed to but they did make crazy, miserable, and gave me hot flashes and an anger management problem. You can only be on Chlomed for a certain amount of months and I am no longer on it. I sure do miss those crazy Chlomed days almost as much as my husband. Anyway, back to the beautiful morning. My hubby is in the backyard caring for the grass and palm trees, and I am in the bathroom in my black robe peeing on a stick. I never really wait the full 3 minutes to look, and anyone who says they do are lying, so somewhere between 5 seconds and 3 minutes I looked at the stick. HOLY SHIT IT SAYS PREGNANT! No lines or dots to count, just one word, PREGNANT. I run to the sliding glass door and repeat my hubby Mike's name over and over as I hold the stick in my hands. Long story short we are both in shock, like in so much shock we are shaking and unsure. Mike instantly gets nervous, like now that I am 'pregnant' I may lose the baby. Months of disappoint put you in this mindset. So I call my mom and she doesn't even seem excited. She asks me if I have another test in the house which I don't, so I send Mike out for more tests. I end up peeing on like 6 more sticks and they all said NOT PREGNANT. Some were words, some were dots and some were lines...it didn't matter, same result. But I was still convinced I was pregnant. I mean really, who has ever heard of a false positive?? The first one was probably right seeing it was my first pee of the morning and full of all the goods. I was so convinced I was preggers I couldn't sit through Mass as I had to leave to use the bathroom and relieve my full baby bladder. My boobs instantly ached and at Easter Brunch I begged for gingerale to ease the morning sickness. I whipped out the copy of "What to Expect" someone gave me (???) and started highlighting the whole book. I called my OB the next day and they saw me that afternoon. My doctor was of course not there so I had to see his partner. He gave me a pregnancy test, did an examine and said what I never wanted to hear..."you are not pregnant, that first test was wrong". I laid there, nodded my head, pretended I heard what he was saying and bit my lip to fight back tears. When he left the room I sobbed quietly yet violently. I couldn't hold in the disappointment and pain. I couldn't pretend that it was okay. After a few minutes I pulled myself together and slugged out of there. Once in the safety of my car I sobbed again, this time not so quietly. I think after that experience I will be traumatized when a test says pregnant again, but honestly could it happen to a person twice?? Hummmm, I might just might make Mike pee on the sticks from now on...

No Shame

There should be no shame in having fertility challenges and yet somehow those of us who do seem to be a part of an underground society. Sometimes we are left to feel broken or less than than those that can easily get pregnant. I don't know if it that we do it to ourselves or because on the pressure put on us by society. Maybe it's a combination of both. Either way you don't really hear woman openly share about the trials and tribulations of getting pregnant, or better said, not getting pregnant. As girls we are raised to care for our baby dolls so that when we fall in love, get married, buy a house and get pregnant, we are ready to be instant moms. No one ever tells us that it may take months and/or years of difficult days, painful procedures, and mounds of disappoint. No one tells us that there may be miscarriages, days of endless crying, and fights with your husband because you can't verbalize what you are feeling deep inside. No one tells us and we don't ask. Instead as woman we pretend everything is okay, that we are exactly where we want to be, and nothing is problem. We smile broadly and never mention the "I "(infertility) word. Yet those that are blessed to be pregnant are free to complain about morning sickness, indigestion, swollen ankles, bad gas and the inability to shave their own legs. It's okay to hear all about what a woman's body goes through when she is with child, but yet for some reason it is not okay to know about the invasive procedures, negative pregnancy test results, and headaches you have from blaming yourself and your body for not working the way it should. I almost feel like if we did share the things that others maybe didn't want to hear, then the things we were ashamed and embarrassed about wouldn't seem so bad anymore. I think if we start to share in the experience, others will begin to share too and then I bet we find there are many more members of this underground club then ever imagined.

Misery does not love company…

I am miserable today. My pill induced period is full of the normal menstrual cycle symptoms, the bloated, headachy, gross feeling, and overly emotional balls of fun. Seeing that it’s been 2 months since my last pill induced period I feel like Aunt Flo is trying to make up for missing time. Either way, that’s not the worst of it. I called the hospital at exactly 8 am this morning and yes they were ready to serve me (good to know they stick to their hours). The woman I spoke with was very nice but I know she has never had a hysteroscarypinggram, as she told me so herself. Here is an excerpt from our conversation:
Nice lady: “Okay so you have to schedule this between days 7-10 of your cycle…”
Me: “Yes, Monday would be day 9 is that possible?”
Nice Lady: “Monday…OH, not Monday, no, it will have to be Tuesday.”
My thoughts: GRRRRRRRRR. Monday is Labor Day so they don’t work either. I don’t know why I thought radiologists and outpatient hospital people worked on a holiday seeing they work in a place that is open 24/7, 365 days a year?! Now instead of being able to take advantage of being off from work on Monday I have to take time off Tuesday. Sucks because I am off Thursday-Monday too because we are going to NY for a family wedding. So I will be working one whole day next week and using vacation time to get a catheter stuck up my vajaja.
Me: “Tuesday, okay, well how long does the procedure take?”
My thoughts: Maybe I can schedule it for the afternoon so I don’t have to take a full day off.
Nice Lady: “It takes an hour. We only do the procedure at 8 am and you have to be here at 7:30.”
My thoughts: Nice lady is really starting to piss me off. I can’t pick the day OR the time. UGH.
Nice Lady: “Now it says here that this can be painful so to take Motrin the night before and the morning of. I think it hurts based on the notes but I don’t know, I ain’t ever had one.”
Me: “Okay.”
Nice Lady: “And there could be bleeding and cramping for a few days after..."
Me: “Okay”
My Thoughts: This is what I was dreading…wearing a pad and downing Motrin while having to do the YMCA at Cousin Matthew’s wedding.
Nice Lady: “And you can’t have any sex from now until the procedure.”
My thoughts: And I don’t really think I am going to want to have any after it either!
Nice Lady: “Oh but you can eat or drink whatever you want, there are no restrictions there.”
My thoughts: Whoopdidoo
So I requested the day off, my husband is going to take me, and now I have a week to think about what may or may not happen and how bad this could hurt. I know I sound bitter, cranky and like a big baby and that’s because I am all of those things. I don’t even want to be around myself so I can’t imagine having any company right about now.

Thank you for calling, but...

Wiped out. That's how I feel. Not only did I stay out way too late last night, I also drank a lot of wine (it was like college days except with high quality wine instead of a keg of Natural Light), and on top of that I woke up with my period. Normally when you are tyring to get knocked up the last thing you want to know is that Aunt Flo is in town, but for me it's a good thing. It means the Provera worked and now I can get the hysteroblahblahgram I have been eagerly anticipating.
I tried calling the hospital where this procedure is to take place in 7- 10 days but I got a recording that they were closed. I know this isn't the ER, I understand it's a scheduled, fairly common procedure, but I feel like someone should have been able to pick up and be on the other end of the line. To me this feels urgent and like something that I should be able to plan any day of the week. I am not trying to mail a package or take money out of my savings, and even banks and post offices are open on Saturdays! This feels urgent to me because I have to book on such specific days, I don't know a lot about what will happen and what (if anything) I have to do leading up to the procedure, and I am anxious about the whole thing. When you are anxious everything feels urgent and it just sucks that I got my period on a Sunday when no one can help me other than the lady with the recorded voice telling me to call back on Monday-Friday between 8:00-4:15 when someone can actually help me. That is defintely not what I wanted to hear today.

NOT funny

Good Morning blog reader (I think it's just you right now, Jess).
Last night my hubby and I met up with friends of ours we haven't seen in ages. They have two adorable and healthy children but it took many years and tears for them. So we talked a bit about the process, what they went through, what we are going through and about the suckiness of the whole situation. Some other friends showed up, a couple whom I had never met, and while we were on our second round of drinks they were to order their first. A few moments pass and we all have our drinks except for the female half of this new couple (let's call her, Betty) does not. Someone asks her where her drink is and she proclaims "I am not drinking...I am PREGNANT." Shoot me now. I really want to take a slice of the pizza sitting on the tray over my right shoulder and slap it in her face. While I am in the process of visualizing this act she comes back with, "Just kidding!!" and laughs hysterically. Ummmm, Betty, that was not funny. I am not laughing. I still want to hit her with the pizza. What is funny in an ironic sense, is on the drive up to the restaurant we all met at, I was thinking to myself that I would maybe not want a drink (shocking I know. It was just a momentary lapse of judgement), but realized I HAD to have one. Why? If I did not order a drink-drink and had say, a bubbly club soda instead everyone would think what? All together now...that I was pregnant! So yes, this infertility has now caused me to have a drinking problem too. Just kidding, I swear it's just coffee I have in my mug this morning...

Friends in no places...

When you are in this precarious place of infertility the last thing you want to hear is that so-in-so is pregnant. When you get the call of good news you can feel the baby envy creeping up your throat, as you say, "I am so happy for you!". Fast forward 9 months and you now find yourself openly weeping in Target over the cutest little baby outfits with ducks and bears on them. You are supposed to just be buying a baby gift and yet it somehow becomes about so much more. This just happened to me last week, the openly weeping. I rubbed my belly so the people staring at me would think I was just a hormonal pregnant woman. Things that shouldn't be a struggle become one so you find yourself becoming a little distant from your friends. And not just the mommy club friends either. While your single friends are doing tequila shots and having hot make out sessions with a the cute guy at the bar, you are doing shots of wheat grass, having sex in position #51 that will DEFINITELY get you pregnant on the exact day and hour your ovulation kit told you too. Your in between friends, who are married with no kids or older children and are status quo, even get a dose of the distance. I remember my friend Shan (names not protected because she is a fighter too) started becoming MIA more and more often. I didn't understand at the time. I mean I knew she was having a hard time getting pregnant but I didn't have a baby and even though I didn't know about my own fertility at that point, I don't think I said or asked anything annoying or insensitive (God, I hope not). But I get it now Shan, and I appreciate even more the times we did talk, so thanks for making time when you could in all this madness.
See the thing is, you can't relate to anyone. You can't even relate to yourself. You can't stand the feelings inside of you so with everyone's best interest in mind you become a bit of an introvert. You pull away as a means to protect yourself and others. You find solace in those moments through a support group, your dogs, sleep, a glass of wine, or maybe even an introspective online blog (no shame here).
With that being said I would like to here and now say, if I have or if I do insult anyone of my beloved friends in this blog, if I don't touch your pregnant belly, if I hand back your precious baby a little too quickly, if I don't feel like going out for drinks on a Friday night, or if I don't want to talk about me, please know I love you and it's not you...it's just that I got a bad case of the baby blues.

Say a little prayer for me...

I stopped at my church on the way home from work today. I wanted to submit a mass intention for my husband's deceased grandmother, as we are coming upon the 1 year anniversary of her passing (RIP Grandma). While I was there, my funny Irish priest peaked around the corner and saw it was me standing in the lobby. I know he's a priest but he checks me out; he checks all the ladies out. It's okay though because he is so funny and he sings cute little Irish songs, so that no one really minds. And it's better than him checking out, say the alter boys...I am just saying. Anyway, as he came around the corner and gave me a once over, I told him he had to start praying for me to get pregnant. He asked if I had been trying, and because I am apparently obsessed with the hysterladygaga (see yesterday's post) I have to get, I started to explain about the fallopian tube procedure. He looked at me with twisted lips and squinty eyes and started slowly backing away. Okay, check yourself Sheri, TMI. But I mean if a priest can hear about all the sins people commit, surely he can hear about my pregnancy woes, right? Anyway, he shook his head yes to let me know he would start praying for me and suddenly disappeared. I will probably end up with babies everywhere because he will pray exta hard just so he won't hear things he doesn't want to from me again.

Scary words with too many letters you can't pronounce

Okay so right now I am on Provera which is not such a scary word. You can spell it, say it and not have other people ask you if you have a lisp. Provera is what I am taking to jump start that little thing called a menstrual cycle so that once I do get it I can have, and here's the scary word with too many letters you can't pronounce...a hysterosalpingogram. Yup, that is a real word (one you don't want to hear), and you can Google it. What you will find is that it is a "X-ray test that examines the inside of uterus and fallopian tubes and the surrounding area". What it really is, is a word that when you try to speak it you sound like your mouth is numb and you are drunk as a skunk; and even more than that it's your tubes getting injected and shot up with dye at the hospital! I have not yet gotten to experience this joyous event, but I have a friend who did. She tried to soften the blow for me saying it 'wasn't that bad' but in some cases they do offer Valium. Oh and people have been known to scream because of the pain. UMMMMMMM, you mean I am awake for this??? Nurse, give me the whole tray of pills you have over there! So that's what I get to experience some time in the next 2-3 weeks. See I have to wait for the Provera to kick in which can take up to 1o days and then once my period starts I have to go for the hysterolosseygoosey between days 7-10 of my period. I tried to chart out when all of this will occur and came up with 2 scenarios, neither conducive to my life. The first opportunity for the hysterowubbiedubbbie would be just in time or right on the day of the engagement party for my mother which is being held at my house and thrown by me. The second scenario has me in NY for my husband's cousin's wedding. I am not about to entertain 30 people or do the Macarena with spotting and cramping (the little something you get to take with you from the hospital) so this may have to wait until October. As much as I don't want to have to do this, I would rather do it and get it over with.
I made the mistake of mentioning all of this to my friend Ruby (names changed to protect the fertile) who after 6 whole months of trying (said sarcastically) got knocked up and is currently preggers. Word to the wise, don't engage in conversation with your pregnant friend when you are going through hell to be in the state she is in. You will hate her, I promise. Just kidding, I love you Ruby if you ever read this and figure out it's you. But when Ruby said that her friend so-in-so had the same procedure and it was really fine and so-in-so got pregnant right after (and won Miss America to that same month, again sarcasm) and then brought the conversation to that fact that she was SO stressed about blah,blah, blah and desperately wanted a big fat drink...that's when I smiled. I proudly told her I would enjoy a wonderful glass of wine, two actually, just for her. She may have a bun in the oven but I have Chardonnay in my hand, and that's all us fertility challenged women have over you fertile little monsters.

I hate being sick

Being sick sucks for obvious reasons, i.e. upset stomach, aches and pains, exhaustion, can't go out and play...however it sucks even more when you are a married woman without a baby. Case in point last week I had a stomach flu and had to call out of work (which I never do) for a day. Next day in the office, right away someone has to ask, "You were sick? Are you pregnant?" Seriously? Seriously? You, my co-worker, who know nothing about me other than when my birthday is (because we all get together in a conference room and sing over cake for everyone celebrating that month-yyyaaaayyy) are going to go there? Why don't you just go ahead and ask for my OBGYN records while you are at it. What's even worse is after I answered with a flat "no" I got back, "Are you sure???" in a sing-songy voice. Ugh.

So if you are following from yesterday's posting, (which I think right now I am my only follower (HI ME!) I said I would start at the beginning. Let me give you the abridged version:

• I started to hear things I didn't want to hear at a young age...all the girls in middle school were waif thin and I was not. So I was the chubby girl ,because you could still see me when I turned sideways. I was called Twinke Thighs and other terms of endearment from neighborhood boys.
• Fast forward, gosh, 14 years, and I am the girl you couldn't see when I turned sideways.
• 5 years of misery, food restriction, and always being REALLY cold + 3 years of therapy = 1 semi normal person who loves pita chips again!
• In the meantime I have done some damage to my body which is at least partially to blame for my infertility (which answers the 'that' from yesterday's blog).

Because of the last bullet, even though I get mad at the insensitive things people say, I can almost understand it. They are so caught up in their own way of thinking, in their own mind, kinda how I was with my eating disorder, they can't see the damage they are causing. Sigh.

"Are you pregnant yet??" and other fine questions...

Wow, here I am. When I was in the confines of my car at 5:00 p.m. my mind was filled with witty and personal thoughts I felt compelled to share about my journey to pregnancy. Now as I sit here with my glass of red wine, the one perk to not yet being pregnant, I find myself a little nervous and unprepared. I feel like maybe I am at a job interview and you, the potential reader are my potential future career. But I will skip the interview logistics, raise my glass and cheers to the words we will share...which gets me to my point. The whole reason I started this blog is because I am a 33 year old woman trying to get pregnant and I am constantly bombarded with words...sayings...stories...and advice I don't want to hear. For example:

• "Don't stress, it will happen." Okay I won't stress about the fact that my body won't do what your body has done 2 times over with no problem. You look at your husband and get pregnant! But I didn't realize the key to getting pregnant was just not stressing about it. Thanks.
• "My sister is a nurse and never heard of that as a reason for not getting pregnant. "Oh, is your sister also God and all-knowing? I will divulge in later posts what the 'that' is.
• "Are you eating enough?" I am not pregnant yet so I am NOT supposed to be eating for two. This is my mother's favorite (she does have some reason based on my past, but again, I will address that later).
• "SOOOOOOO, anything new??" Ummm, yea, I bought a new mascara that I really like. Don't you think if I was pregnant I would tell you???

Those are just four of my favorites that I have recently heard. I guess I am guilty of stupid remarks on this too because when I was at my doctor's last Thursday and we were talking about the fact that I have to go to the hospital and get dye shot up my tubes (???), he asked if there was anything else. So I said "Well, I am really ready. I just want a baby." His response was exactly the kind of response that I would like to give sometimes... "Oh, okay let me write in my notes that you are serious now and see what we can do." Mind you I LOVE my doctor and considering he has had to deal with me and my neurosis's many times over, I took it as the joke that it was.

So anyway this blog is dedicated to the woman out there who have tried, are trying, or will try to get pregnant. It is dedicated to us, the stupid things people say to us, the scary tests, procedures and consultations we have to go through, and it's to us eventually sharing stories about our sweet little baby boys and girls. Now to start at the beginning...but first I need to go get more wine...

Sheri