Friends in no places...

When you are in this precarious place of infertility the last thing you want to hear is that so-in-so is pregnant. When you get the call of good news you can feel the baby envy creeping up your throat, as you say, "I am so happy for you!". Fast forward 9 months and you now find yourself openly weeping in Target over the cutest little baby outfits with ducks and bears on them. You are supposed to just be buying a baby gift and yet it somehow becomes about so much more. This just happened to me last week, the openly weeping. I rubbed my belly so the people staring at me would think I was just a hormonal pregnant woman. Things that shouldn't be a struggle become one so you find yourself becoming a little distant from your friends. And not just the mommy club friends either. While your single friends are doing tequila shots and having hot make out sessions with a the cute guy at the bar, you are doing shots of wheat grass, having sex in position #51 that will DEFINITELY get you pregnant on the exact day and hour your ovulation kit told you too. Your in between friends, who are married with no kids or older children and are status quo, even get a dose of the distance. I remember my friend Shan (names not protected because she is a fighter too) started becoming MIA more and more often. I didn't understand at the time. I mean I knew she was having a hard time getting pregnant but I didn't have a baby and even though I didn't know about my own fertility at that point, I don't think I said or asked anything annoying or insensitive (God, I hope not). But I get it now Shan, and I appreciate even more the times we did talk, so thanks for making time when you could in all this madness.
See the thing is, you can't relate to anyone. You can't even relate to yourself. You can't stand the feelings inside of you so with everyone's best interest in mind you become a bit of an introvert. You pull away as a means to protect yourself and others. You find solace in those moments through a support group, your dogs, sleep, a glass of wine, or maybe even an introspective online blog (no shame here).
With that being said I would like to here and now say, if I have or if I do insult anyone of my beloved friends in this blog, if I don't touch your pregnant belly, if I hand back your precious baby a little too quickly, if I don't feel like going out for drinks on a Friday night, or if I don't want to talk about me, please know I love you and it's not you...it's just that I got a bad case of the baby blues.