Enlightenment

So it's been a few days since my mini breakdown. I am happy to report that I am much better and not demanding to be alone anymore. I will refill my Provera prescription and start again next month. I bounced back rather quickly; I have learned over the last couple of years that you only hurt yourself by wallowing for too long. I have also recently learned other lessons.
I just finished reading The Shack. A must read for anyone who is looking to better themselves and/or is going through a difficult time. The book really boils down to three basic principles: life is about relationships, learning to trust those you have relationships with, and being non judgemental. It seems simple enough but there are so many layers to each principle. I am trying to peel away each layer and apply the principles in my life; primarily the principle about relationships...my relationship with God, my husband, my family and friends, all those I come into contact with, and myself.
So how does this apply to baby making? Well the more I understand and nurture myself, God, my husband and all other relationships, the more I am at peace. And the more I am at peace, the more I can trust. And the more I can trust the less judgmental I am of those who may say inappropriate baby making comments; the less I judge God for not giving me a baby yet; the less I judge myself for my part in harming this process and my body. And the less judgmental I am, the more at peace I feel, the more relationships I nurture, and ultimately the more ready I am to receive. Hopefully the receiving is all about conceiving...but I don't know and for right now I am trusting what it is and will be.
For the record though, it is still annoying and uncomfortable when I have conversations like I did today with an old colleague, "Soooooooo, what's new with you and Mike?" and after I say "Nothing much", and discuss other things and people, there is still a void and silence on the other end, so I end up filling in with "but we are trying for a baby so hopefully soon." As much as I try to improve myself and improve my life, I will always Grrrrr inside with scenarios like that and when things I don't want to hear are said. I may be semi enlightened but I am still human.

Not a good day

I am so sick of this. I am sick of the ups and the downs and trying to deal with the disappointments. I am sick of trying to laugh about the craziness of it all. I am sad. I am angry. I don't understand why. Why for a year now I have had to take a pregnancy test every month, hoping for the best and always getting the worst. AGAIN, today I had to go through this. And what was the outcome? I am sure it is obvious.
I have felt like crap all week, headaches and nausea. I have been so tired. I kept thinking about a baby inside me...maybe just maybe this was the month. I refrained from taking Motrin this morning when I woke up with a terrible headache and have dealt with said headache all day "just in case". I didn't want to hurt the little fella or girl. Well I just took my God knows how many I have already taken test and it was negative. The good news I got to take Motrin. The bad news...I am devastated. More so then any other month. I mean after the procedure I had (which in many cases has helped other women get pregnant), the symptoms I was feeling, and the fact that I have been doing this for a year now...MY GOD, I thought this might be it finally. UGGGGGGGHHHHHHH, I am so upset right now. I am crying and yet ranging on the inside. I want to be alone. Totally alone. I just made my husband leave the room, shut the door and let me be. I don't want noise. I don't want comfort. I just want to be alone.

Let me tell you a story

The end of this week will bring the "am I or aren't I" knocked up drama; my period is due this Saturday. So I don't know if I will get said period, not get said period because per typical I don't get one without Provera, or if I don't get said period because the seed was planted. I am overly eager because some women have been known to conceive right after the hysteropingpongagram, and like I said a few days ago I have already had baby "symptoms". This morning I woke up with a very sore lower back (maybe baby??) but that may have something to do with my jumping jack/squat thrust combo Sunday afternoon. Or it could be period symptoms. That's the kicker with this baby making journey...period and pregnancy symptoms are practically identical. GRRRRRRRRRR. Oh and just because I don't get my period on my own, don't think I don't get PMS symptoms on my own, because I do. Double GRRRRRRRRRRR.
Totally off subject but in line with my GRRRRRRRing, this morning a co-worker bounded into my office to show me a picture of her brother's baby and she went on and on about the labor, delivery, etc. I felt like shouting I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. I think even if I wasn't going through the fertility challenges I wouldn't care. I made a mental note that if I ever get preggers I will not show people once removed pictures of my child. People don't really care about someone they don't even knows baby or their labor pains. I mean, except for all of you who do actually care about my 'woe is me' baby story and life. Right?!

This ain't the Girl Scouts

The more people talk the more you realize you are not alone. I think this goes for anything; it's kinda like when you buy a new car and then every car on the road is the same as yours! As humans we need to make connections and we need to feel a part of a group. As we are all aware, I am part of the "Not Getting Pregnant" club and more members seem to join each day. Just the other night as I was partaking in another club, a book club (code for drink a lot of martinis club), I found out that yet another woman is a member of NGP. We talked about the pluses (lots of sex) the minuses (hysteroyoudontwanttogetitgram) and everything in between. As we were laughing, cursing and drinking our way through the conversation I came to realize...even if this club sucks, the women in it surely do not. All the women I know and have come to know in NGP are amazing. Each one possesses qualities that make her remarkable...Shannon her kindness and compassion, Rebecca her zest for life and meaty laugh, Nancy her strength and wisdom, Tara, her easy ways and grace...and the list goes on. These women already have the characteristics needed to make them good mothers; they have gifts from God so that when they do have babies, they will create a life for their children that is filled with love, guidance and greatness. Maybe these attributes are also the reason that they have to tough it out on the road to bearing children. The same qualities that make someone a great mother are also the characteristics that make someone viable and strong in the face of adversity. So while we hope we all graduate from NGP we know while we are there we are in the best possible company.

Maybe baby?

Why is it that whenever I am really tired now I automatically assume I am pregnant? I don't even get a period on my own most of the time, and yet if I am exhausted my brain says, "OMG, you must be pregnant because you are SO tired." Women who are pregnant are usually SO tired.
My husband and I were driving home from a Chamber of Commerce event, an event in which I turned down wine (GASP) and an invite to eat at one of my favorite places for dinner (WOW). I just wanted to get home and relax; so in the car ride home I said out loud "maybe I am pregnant". It seemed random out loud but I already had check-listed that I dissed wine, turned my nose up to good food, and instead opted for pjs and bed. Mike, never one to get overly excited (therefore never overly disappointed) about the possibility of being pregnant and knowing how my random thoughts work responded, "maybe it could do with that fact that you just had 2 killer and long back to back days at work, on top of a fun but tiring long weekend away." Maybe, but....I did just have the hysterofoshizzleagram which women have been known to get preggers right after having...and I did feel like I was maybe ovulating earlier in the week. I am not really sure what ovulation 'feels like' but this week it kinda felt like eggs were climbing downstairs. When I got that feeling I took full advantage of my husband in hopes of taking full advantage of the potential ovulation power. I know that it would be unlikely I would have symptoms one week or 2 days after getting knocked up, but maybe I am clairvoyant or something. Maybe my body gives early signs since it's taken so long to get those eggs downstairs. Or maybe I am just tired from a long 2 weeks. I know Mike is thinking the latter, but me, I am okay thinking it's a possibility. Who knows maybe I am with child and can start reading palms.

Heart Aches

So here I am, back in front of my laptop like no time has passed at all, when in fact it has. The last 6 days (minus today, back to reality day) were blissfully fun. Mike and I spent quality time with family and friends, drank good wine, danced, and cheered on the Yankees. We were also exhausted come Monday morning 6 am to catch our plane, but it was worth every slept deprived moment. We also spent time with children and yes, I saw Kerri's baby. So here is my synopsis and feelings behind my kid friendly experiences:

• Little boys are tough but tender. Mike's cousin Nikki has 2 boys who are 7 and 5, both into sports and fighting with each other. At one point the 7 year old body slammed the 5 year old (for knocking over his Jenga tower) to the floor and the 5 year old ran, wailing into Mike's arms. I watched my husband soothe and hug a crying child and my heart ached. These little rugrats are also both into snuggling with me when no one else is around. We spent early Saturday morning curled up on the couch, all under one blanket, watching something on Nickelodeon while everyone else slept. I cherish that memory and again, my heart ached.
• Children grow up so fast. My dear friend Jessica has 3 children, her first being Lexi. I remember holding Lexi, just 7 hours old in the hospital. It was amazing because I had never seen such a tiny creature before; I was so scared I would hurt her. I remember that day so clearly and Lexi has such a special place in my heart. Well when I walked into the Outback (they have delicious salmon by the way) where we were meeting family and friends for dinner and I saw Lexi, I caught my breath. Here she is 9 years old now and a lovely young lady. Where did the time go? When did this little baby turn into a little fashionista with hot boots and a model like smile? Again my heart ached.
• We all grow up so fast. Mike and I spent time with other dear friends, Jen and Dave, and we were talking about how their oldest Sarah is now in middle school...I was in middle school when Jen and I first met. Really?? How is that possible, that she has a daughter the same age I was when we rode the bus together? How is it that I am now that old when it seems like just yesterday I was playing with Barbies and stressing about the first day of school? Guess what, again my heart ached.
• Babies are cute but they also sleep a lot when everyone else is awake. We saw cousin Kerri's baby for a brief time at the wedding and the baby was...sleeping. I didn't get to hold her or see her eyes, but all snuggled in her carrier, peacefully asleep, she looked adorable. I know you are thinking that again, my heart ached but you are wrong. While Kerri had to leave before the reception started seeing that the baby was just a week old, to feed and care for her bundle of joy, I had a bundle of wine and bundle of a fun! I know, it sounds terrible but hey, us fertility challenged ladies need to take advantage of the open bar and dance floor while we can.

The Day After

I am happy to report that I feel just fine the day after my little procedure. I was quite sore most of yesterday but I feel good today. The best thing is that I haven't had any bleeding... but I do keep thinking about what was said during the procedure, something I did not want to hear. "I can't find it." Can't find what, Doctor?!? What can't you find?? What's up there that you are looking for that you can't find?! Turns out, as Chris quickly told me in passing, that my right Fallopian tube is not visible which means it is fully blocked. She wouldn't say much else other than my left tube was clear, you only need one good tube to get preggers, and I need to talk with my doctor. GRRRRRRRRRRR.....I like to grr a lot these days. I wonder what my doctor will say, "You are working on a one way street and we need to open a lane"? According to Chris I just need the one lane but I am thinking two lanes probably wouldn't hurt the baby making process.

I leave tomorrow for New York; Mike and I are heading up for a long weekend and for his cousin Matt's wedding. His other cousin Kerri ( who is my Facebook friend but I have never met) who also lives up there just had a baby girl. I will get to see and hold another baby...2 in one week! Is God trying to give me a sign, like 'get use to this'? Or is he just teasing me, like 'check out everyone else's cute little bundles that you can't have'? No, I know God loves me and takes care of me, I am just trying to be cute and satirical. Neither is really working for me right now. Anyway, I will be on a mini vaca...I don't think I will be posting while I am gone...try to fight back the tears, I will be back before you know it.

Chris, Diana Ross and Dr. Happy

I had myself so freaked out that I woke up in the middle of the night dripping in sweat. I was quiet and tense on the drive to the hospital. I conjured up all sorts of fearful scenarios while in the waiting room. Was it worth it, all the worrying? Who is to say, but I do know that I am happy my hysterosaywhatagram is over. It was not horrifyingly horrific but it was not like sharing a hot fudgey brownie ice cream sundae with your best girlfriends after buying new makeup and shoes.
Chris, the nurse that assisted with the whole procedure likes to sing oldies and pull pranks. We were walking down the hallways to the procedure room, me nervously wringing my hands, when she walked us right outside and said that's where the event would take place. Oh Chris, you are such a comedian. Once inside the actual room she gave us a 'show and tell' with the catheter and balloon that would be put through my cervix. FYI, your cervix has an opening shaped like a donut...you learn something new everyday. She begin to hum and had me get down to business in the bathroom. I peed, stripped down, put on my gown and wished that was all I had to do. Once settled, I kissed my hubby goodbye as he was (gratefully) banished to the waiting room. While I was getting prepped on the table Chris was humming and told me about singing along to 'Stop, In The Name Of Love' with one of the other nurses. I am not sure what the point was of the story but I can't get the song out of my head now. Then Chris called in the doctor who looked like he needed a happy pill with his coffee. The table was cold, the room was cold, Chris' hands were cold (she was kind enough to hold mine and stroke my cheek).
So here's how it goes...the doctor rubs an iodine type solution all over the vagina area, then the speculum is inserted, followed by the catheter and balloon. That's when you say OUCH and squint your eyes and start breathing fast. The whole point of this is to x-ray your Fallopian tubes so when they get you where they want you, you have to hold your breath and hold still. Say CHEESE for the camera. The you have to tilt to the left...strike a pose...and then to the right...vogue...and then back down. All the while you have the speculum and catheter inside. Before Chris and Dr. Happy started they told me I could watch on the monitor. My eyes were closed the entire time. I was just concentrating on trying not breath too fast or flinch. Chris kept telling me to picture a little baby, a sweet baby girl (does she know something I don't about the sex of my future baby??). I had to keep my eye on the prize and remember this was all for a good cause. At one point they had to move me up and I had to straighten my legs. For whatever reason, that was the hardest part. Luckily it doesn't take more than 15 minutes or so and it does go by fast. When it was over I did cry a little...the pain, the experience, the emotion. Before you can get off the table they have to put a towel down because you have dye and blood flowing out of you. There is some cramping and leakage but for the most part you are okay. Chris walked me to the waiting room where I was reunited with my hubby. I was so happy to just hug him and I was so grateful he was there and he was mine. Chris walked us out and told me to keep her posted...she has been known to get a few ladies knocked up after this and hoped the same for us. I gave her a big hug and thanked her for being so kind. SHE seemed so grateful for my hug and then Mike gave her one too. If I do get pregnant because of this or because of some of Chris' magic I will be eternally grateful. And even if I don't I will still be eternally gratefully for Chris' comfort and care, my husband's love and support, and for Motrin's ability to relieve pain. I am going to put my feet up now, take a nap and try to shake the Supremes singing in my head.

I got a new attitude...

The last two days I have been out of commission and therefore so has been my blog. I hosted a big party Saturday which made for yesterday to be a clean-up, exhausted, slightly hungover day. It's okay though because it will get ALL you readers accustomed to when I am vacation at the end of this week and I potentially don't post for a few days. But here I am today, back and better than ever except for excruciatingly sore calves from dancing and jumping all over the place for hours on end at the party. I am going to enjoy today and not care about the sore calves because tomorrow I have a feeling they won't be the only things that are sore. This time tomorrow I will be underway with the hyesteroscaryscaregram. Up until this morning I haven't really given it much thought which is so uncharacteristic for me...normally I stew over something for days, hours and minutes. I get myself all worked up and my stomach in knots. My belly does feel a little fluttery but old habits die hard and other than the flutters, I would say I am doing okay. I figure if I am eventually going to get a bun in the oven this little procedure tomorrow will be easy compared to pushing an 8 lb human out of my vagina. It's all about your perspective and for right now I am having a positive one; I am sure that will change around 7:30 tomorrow morning...

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot...

Today I went to visit a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in 3 years and who happened to just have a baby. Why it had been 3 years since we last saw each other is a mixture of circumstances, growing in different directions, and in the end the lack of time. I have come to the conclusion that the more you don't see or talk to someone, the less time you seem to have to reconnect down the road. But seeing her today brought me back; I had memories of people, places, things, songs and moments. I recaptured a part of my life that seems so long ago, a time when I was a Yankee new to South Florida and didn't know what was in store. I was a girl, although already in my twenties, a girl who still had so much to learn about life, love and herself. Those years were amazing years and it was good to see an old friend. She lived in the same house but it was decorated differently, more grown up. Her baby boy was peacefully sleeping in the swing and looked like a perfect angel. When he awoke he was hungry and cried for his mama. I got to hold this 4 week old person in my arms and thought about how blessed my friend was, and I was truly happy for her. I wasn't envious or sad for myself, I was just happy for my friend and the journey she is to experience with her son. May God bless them always.

Dear Abby isn't the only one with advice to give...

Last night as I was thumbing through Woman's Health magazine, I stumbled across an article about what to do if you want to get pregnant "someday". It gave women advice on what to do if they want to get knocked up in 5 years...stop smoking and floss everyday. The article gave advice if you want a bun in the oven in 2 years...exercise and eat healthy. And the article gave words of wisdom for if you want to be preggers in a year from now...reduce your stress, drink less alcohol and eat more dairy. Okay, I am a big advocate of Woman's Health magazine and I take a lot of tidbits from their columns each month, but really? Their advice on long term pregnancy = examples of everyday healthy living. Living healthy IS important on the road to pregnancy but I hate when I see things dumbed down. When it comes to trying to conceive it is not one size fits all. I already exercise and floss everyday and look at me. I appreciate the effort to make women more aware but I think the article ended too early; there should have been a paragraph on if you wanted get pregnant yesterday. What should you do then, after you have eaten a yogurt everyday and haven't touched a cigarette in years? Mind you, I am still enjoying my glass of wine, but I hardly think that's the cause of my infertility issues. Regardless, all aspects, 5 years from now to 5 days ago, need to be talked about and brought to light. In the meantime I will enjoy my banana flavored Dannon Light, keep doing my push ups, and pretend I didn't read about cutting down on wine...

Clear Blue Sike-out.

I would like to backtrack to a beautiful Easter morning, April 12, 2009. It was the day after my birthday and I woke up a little bleary eyed from celebrating at a dueling piano bar with my hubby the night before. I was also a week late but that was par for the course for me. I don't typically get my period on my own, so I have to take a pregnancy test month after to month to see I am not pregnant before I can take more pills to get a period and take more pills after that in hopes of ovulating. The later pills, AKA Chlomed, never really did the job they were supposed to but they did make crazy, miserable, and gave me hot flashes and an anger management problem. You can only be on Chlomed for a certain amount of months and I am no longer on it. I sure do miss those crazy Chlomed days almost as much as my husband. Anyway, back to the beautiful morning. My hubby is in the backyard caring for the grass and palm trees, and I am in the bathroom in my black robe peeing on a stick. I never really wait the full 3 minutes to look, and anyone who says they do are lying, so somewhere between 5 seconds and 3 minutes I looked at the stick. HOLY SHIT IT SAYS PREGNANT! No lines or dots to count, just one word, PREGNANT. I run to the sliding glass door and repeat my hubby Mike's name over and over as I hold the stick in my hands. Long story short we are both in shock, like in so much shock we are shaking and unsure. Mike instantly gets nervous, like now that I am 'pregnant' I may lose the baby. Months of disappoint put you in this mindset. So I call my mom and she doesn't even seem excited. She asks me if I have another test in the house which I don't, so I send Mike out for more tests. I end up peeing on like 6 more sticks and they all said NOT PREGNANT. Some were words, some were dots and some were lines...it didn't matter, same result. But I was still convinced I was pregnant. I mean really, who has ever heard of a false positive?? The first one was probably right seeing it was my first pee of the morning and full of all the goods. I was so convinced I was preggers I couldn't sit through Mass as I had to leave to use the bathroom and relieve my full baby bladder. My boobs instantly ached and at Easter Brunch I begged for gingerale to ease the morning sickness. I whipped out the copy of "What to Expect" someone gave me (???) and started highlighting the whole book. I called my OB the next day and they saw me that afternoon. My doctor was of course not there so I had to see his partner. He gave me a pregnancy test, did an examine and said what I never wanted to hear..."you are not pregnant, that first test was wrong". I laid there, nodded my head, pretended I heard what he was saying and bit my lip to fight back tears. When he left the room I sobbed quietly yet violently. I couldn't hold in the disappointment and pain. I couldn't pretend that it was okay. After a few minutes I pulled myself together and slugged out of there. Once in the safety of my car I sobbed again, this time not so quietly. I think after that experience I will be traumatized when a test says pregnant again, but honestly could it happen to a person twice?? Hummmm, I might just might make Mike pee on the sticks from now on...

No Shame

There should be no shame in having fertility challenges and yet somehow those of us who do seem to be a part of an underground society. Sometimes we are left to feel broken or less than than those that can easily get pregnant. I don't know if it that we do it to ourselves or because on the pressure put on us by society. Maybe it's a combination of both. Either way you don't really hear woman openly share about the trials and tribulations of getting pregnant, or better said, not getting pregnant. As girls we are raised to care for our baby dolls so that when we fall in love, get married, buy a house and get pregnant, we are ready to be instant moms. No one ever tells us that it may take months and/or years of difficult days, painful procedures, and mounds of disappoint. No one tells us that there may be miscarriages, days of endless crying, and fights with your husband because you can't verbalize what you are feeling deep inside. No one tells us and we don't ask. Instead as woman we pretend everything is okay, that we are exactly where we want to be, and nothing is problem. We smile broadly and never mention the "I "(infertility) word. Yet those that are blessed to be pregnant are free to complain about morning sickness, indigestion, swollen ankles, bad gas and the inability to shave their own legs. It's okay to hear all about what a woman's body goes through when she is with child, but yet for some reason it is not okay to know about the invasive procedures, negative pregnancy test results, and headaches you have from blaming yourself and your body for not working the way it should. I almost feel like if we did share the things that others maybe didn't want to hear, then the things we were ashamed and embarrassed about wouldn't seem so bad anymore. I think if we start to share in the experience, others will begin to share too and then I bet we find there are many more members of this underground club then ever imagined.