Enlightenment

So it's been a few days since my mini breakdown. I am happy to report that I am much better and not demanding to be alone anymore. I will refill my Provera prescription and start again next month. I bounced back rather quickly; I have learned over the last couple of years that you only hurt yourself by wallowing for too long. I have also recently learned other lessons.
I just finished reading The Shack. A must read for anyone who is looking to better themselves and/or is going through a difficult time. The book really boils down to three basic principles: life is about relationships, learning to trust those you have relationships with, and being non judgemental. It seems simple enough but there are so many layers to each principle. I am trying to peel away each layer and apply the principles in my life; primarily the principle about relationships...my relationship with God, my husband, my family and friends, all those I come into contact with, and myself.
So how does this apply to baby making? Well the more I understand and nurture myself, God, my husband and all other relationships, the more I am at peace. And the more I am at peace, the more I can trust. And the more I can trust the less judgmental I am of those who may say inappropriate baby making comments; the less I judge God for not giving me a baby yet; the less I judge myself for my part in harming this process and my body. And the less judgmental I am, the more at peace I feel, the more relationships I nurture, and ultimately the more ready I am to receive. Hopefully the receiving is all about conceiving...but I don't know and for right now I am trusting what it is and will be.
For the record though, it is still annoying and uncomfortable when I have conversations like I did today with an old colleague, "Soooooooo, what's new with you and Mike?" and after I say "Nothing much", and discuss other things and people, there is still a void and silence on the other end, so I end up filling in with "but we are trying for a baby so hopefully soon." As much as I try to improve myself and improve my life, I will always Grrrrr inside with scenarios like that and when things I don't want to hear are said. I may be semi enlightened but I am still human.