Not a good day

I am so sick of this. I am sick of the ups and the downs and trying to deal with the disappointments. I am sick of trying to laugh about the craziness of it all. I am sad. I am angry. I don't understand why. Why for a year now I have had to take a pregnancy test every month, hoping for the best and always getting the worst. AGAIN, today I had to go through this. And what was the outcome? I am sure it is obvious.
I have felt like crap all week, headaches and nausea. I have been so tired. I kept thinking about a baby inside me...maybe just maybe this was the month. I refrained from taking Motrin this morning when I woke up with a terrible headache and have dealt with said headache all day "just in case". I didn't want to hurt the little fella or girl. Well I just took my God knows how many I have already taken test and it was negative. The good news I got to take Motrin. The bad news...I am devastated. More so then any other month. I mean after the procedure I had (which in many cases has helped other women get pregnant), the symptoms I was feeling, and the fact that I have been doing this for a year now...MY GOD, I thought this might be it finally. UGGGGGGGHHHHHHH, I am so upset right now. I am crying and yet ranging on the inside. I want to be alone. Totally alone. I just made my husband leave the room, shut the door and let me be. I don't want noise. I don't want comfort. I just want to be alone.