I...just...got...my....PERIOD!!!! On my own! I went to pick up my prescriptions today and the Provera wasn't ready. So I was going back tomorrow; well I still need to go back because I should pick them up seeing I filled them, but...YAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I don't need the prescriptions. At first when I saw blood I wasn't quite sure what was going on as it's been so long for me and this natural period thing. It actually took a couple bathroom breaks for it to register. Then I realized I have been craving carbs, feeling fat, feeling cranky, and been really tired....A+B+C+D=PERIOD! I can't remember the last time I have been this excited. I definitely have something different to be thankful for at Thanksgiving this year!
Happy Thanksgiving; I hope the day finds you happy, healthy, full, and ovulating!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Delaying the Inevitable
I like to think that I face challenges head on; that even if it's uncomfortable or fearful I still pony up. Like I am not the biggest fan of flying...out come my rosarys and prayer cards, but I do it. I don't like conflict management...here come the knots in the stomach and hot face, but I handle it. So why is it that I delayed and delayed taking a pregnancy test that I needed to take ("just to be sure") before I start my period medicine followed by my ovulation (AKA here comes crazy) medicine? It was like a 12 step program for me. I was hoping that if I waited my period would come (it's been 2 weeks since the 'due' date). I just had surgery, surely I could get my period now. Then I thought about the Virgin Mary while brushing my teeth one morning. I have been praying hard on this and God can perform miracles; I mean if Mary got pregnant without even having sex...hello! I should be in business. Then reality set in and I thought about how much I don't want to take Chlomed again. Even if its just two cycles, that's 2 months of hell. But I also don't want to talk about IVF. I am in in such a bad place with this; just thinking about it now is making my throat feel tight and my breath short. I feel like.....like....I feel screwed. I feel like WTF, why can't I just get a freakin period and ovulate one month. I feel like I don't have it in me to go to the next step, it's like there is a wall there and I have no desire to climb it. I just keep thinking my body will do this on it's own. When I am running in the morning I listen to this one song by Sugarland and picture a collage of photos of our future baby and us being set to the song. I run faster. I keep running and I keep daydreaming and I keep praying.
This morning I finally took the damn test. I have lost count how many sticks I have peed on now. It's ridiculous. I should have stock in First Response. So I finally stopped putting off the inevitable and saw once again I was not, I am not, pregnant. I dropped off the prescriptions for Provera, Chlomed, and Prenatal Vitamins....kind of an ironic mix of pills huh? At least my hair is thick and shiny through all of this. There is always a bright side, right? Sigh.
I think I would prefer facing turbulence or an angry employee right about now...
This morning I finally took the damn test. I have lost count how many sticks I have peed on now. It's ridiculous. I should have stock in First Response. So I finally stopped putting off the inevitable and saw once again I was not, I am not, pregnant. I dropped off the prescriptions for Provera, Chlomed, and Prenatal Vitamins....kind of an ironic mix of pills huh? At least my hair is thick and shiny through all of this. There is always a bright side, right? Sigh.
I think I would prefer facing turbulence or an angry employee right about now...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Real Housewife of LHP
I am short on time as I need to hurry and catch up Real Housewives of OC, but I wanted to let you know, while I feel like I should have my period:
1. Bloated
2. Feeling of ovaries being sucked by a vacuum
3. Bloated
4. Cranky
5. Sleepy
6. Bloated
I do not have it. I was "due" last Thursday. On Friday I told my dear friend Jenny about the ovaries sensation and we were both hopeful. Not one drop of blood so far. I was totally thinking after everything I have been through with procedures the past couple of months I would be using tampons this month. Nope. I am going to wait until Thursday and then take a pregnancy test to "make sure" and then go back to crazy pills.
How is it the it appears all the unstable women of OC bore children and yet this stable woman of LHP can't seem to get there?
1. Bloated
2. Feeling of ovaries being sucked by a vacuum
3. Bloated
4. Cranky
5. Sleepy
6. Bloated
I do not have it. I was "due" last Thursday. On Friday I told my dear friend Jenny about the ovaries sensation and we were both hopeful. Not one drop of blood so far. I was totally thinking after everything I have been through with procedures the past couple of months I would be using tampons this month. Nope. I am going to wait until Thursday and then take a pregnancy test to "make sure" and then go back to crazy pills.
How is it the it appears all the unstable women of OC bore children and yet this stable woman of LHP can't seem to get there?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
A (Wo)man of few words
I haven't had a lot to say the last few days. I am sick of thinking about getting pregnant and sick of talking about surgery. I just want to be normal. I want to worry about work, bills and my to do list, and not worry about ovulating. So for the last few days my attention has been not here, not on fertility. I don't know. I don't know what I want or what I feel about all of this madness we have gone through the past year. I am just over it. I don't have a lot to say; and now that I am thinking about it I am getting angry. I don't want to be angry. So I am going to stop thinking for right now. But remind me to tell you later about the woman who over the weekend said "I heard you had surgery. Are you pregnant?", implying she thought that I had IVF. This is a friend of my in-laws, someone who should not be asking me that kind of question, and is lucky I didn't backhand her. Again, getting angry, so we will save that story for later.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Good Days and Garbage Cans
I feel great right now. I am not sure if it's because I feel stronger each day post surgery. I don't know if it's a renewed sense of hope post surgery. I don't know if it's because my Yankees won the World Series, Baby! I don't know if it's because my hair just got colored a darker shade of brown and I LOVE it. I don't know if it's because I had a really productive day at work and felt valued. I don't know exactly why it is that I feel happy...light...carefree, but it's nice and I like it. It's been awhile since I can remember feeling this 'light' with everything that has been going on. I hope this feeling stays for awhile.
So Mike and I went to see my doc today and review results. As I figured he told me everything went "beautiful" and I am now safe to resume exercise. He did say that if I still don't get my period on my own then he wants me to try two more cycles of Chlomed before going the next step (to a fertility clinic). His thought is, now that I am thoroughly examined and cleaned out, now would be a great time to try Chlomed again (if necessary) since women have been known to get pregnant after surgeries like I have just had. He thinks if we can avoid the cost and intensity of the next level then we should try. My husband graciously piped in that I didn't like being on Chlomed because it made me feel "weird", which I then had to explain to Doc what weird meant. I didn't want to tell him details of how I kicked our garbage and cried in the fetal position while I was on that crap, so instead I told him it made me very emotional and made me rage. Being the funny guy he is, Doc said, "What? What is that? You would be like that anyway without the medication." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I think he was kidding, but he does tend to think I am on the more sensitive side. Doc said he hadn't heard of those symptoms being associated with Chlomed before; I told him I had friends who experienced similar symptoms and I read so online as well.
This led me later to think that there is a problem with patient and doctor communication. I think that women are scared to tell their doctor's the truth; we want to be good patients and not complain. We want to follow doctor's orders and come out of it shiny and smelling like roses...no issues and certainly not ones related to the mind or feelings. I think this is true, especially when the doctor is male. I love and trust my doc but I would have never mentioned the psychological side effects unless Mike brought them up. That is why Doc probably never heard before about the rage and emotional issues associated...no one has told him. We need to speak up. We need to stop taking it all as it comes and smiling false smiles. We need to say when it hurts and when it doesn't fare well for our psyche. If we don't we are doing an injustice not only to ourselves but to all woman. I learned a valuable lesson day, and it's to bring Mike to EVERY appointment from here on out. No, really, I learned I need to speak up for me, and for you.
Anyway, Mike and I talked about it and we are going to pray that I get my period on my own; if I don't get it we have decided we will do the Chlomed and see. Now we will both be on it...Mike's on it right now too for his sperm! Great, now there will probably be domestic dispute calls from our home. Just kidding. I hope. We decided....I decided, I am not ready for IVF so we will give this route a try. I mean I would give up, take a break, forget the pressure of baby making all together for right now if I could. I just need to get some sort of cycle though, which makes it harder if I am not, because then I can't really quit. For now I am on total prayer mode so that maybe we don't have to go either route and I can menstruate on my own like a big girl. If you can, say a prayer for me too. If you don't I just may come over and mess up your garbage can real good.
So Mike and I went to see my doc today and review results. As I figured he told me everything went "beautiful" and I am now safe to resume exercise. He did say that if I still don't get my period on my own then he wants me to try two more cycles of Chlomed before going the next step (to a fertility clinic). His thought is, now that I am thoroughly examined and cleaned out, now would be a great time to try Chlomed again (if necessary) since women have been known to get pregnant after surgeries like I have just had. He thinks if we can avoid the cost and intensity of the next level then we should try. My husband graciously piped in that I didn't like being on Chlomed because it made me feel "weird", which I then had to explain to Doc what weird meant. I didn't want to tell him details of how I kicked our garbage and cried in the fetal position while I was on that crap, so instead I told him it made me very emotional and made me rage. Being the funny guy he is, Doc said, "What? What is that? You would be like that anyway without the medication." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I think he was kidding, but he does tend to think I am on the more sensitive side. Doc said he hadn't heard of those symptoms being associated with Chlomed before; I told him I had friends who experienced similar symptoms and I read so online as well.
This led me later to think that there is a problem with patient and doctor communication. I think that women are scared to tell their doctor's the truth; we want to be good patients and not complain. We want to follow doctor's orders and come out of it shiny and smelling like roses...no issues and certainly not ones related to the mind or feelings. I think this is true, especially when the doctor is male. I love and trust my doc but I would have never mentioned the psychological side effects unless Mike brought them up. That is why Doc probably never heard before about the rage and emotional issues associated...no one has told him. We need to speak up. We need to stop taking it all as it comes and smiling false smiles. We need to say when it hurts and when it doesn't fare well for our psyche. If we don't we are doing an injustice not only to ourselves but to all woman. I learned a valuable lesson day, and it's to bring Mike to EVERY appointment from here on out. No, really, I learned I need to speak up for me, and for you.
Anyway, Mike and I talked about it and we are going to pray that I get my period on my own; if I don't get it we have decided we will do the Chlomed and see. Now we will both be on it...Mike's on it right now too for his sperm! Great, now there will probably be domestic dispute calls from our home. Just kidding. I hope. We decided....I decided, I am not ready for IVF so we will give this route a try. I mean I would give up, take a break, forget the pressure of baby making all together for right now if I could. I just need to get some sort of cycle though, which makes it harder if I am not, because then I can't really quit. For now I am on total prayer mode so that maybe we don't have to go either route and I can menstruate on my own like a big girl. If you can, say a prayer for me too. If you don't I just may come over and mess up your garbage can real good.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Backstreet's Back, Alright!
I can officially say I am back today. I feel like a human again, and despite a still sore and itchy belly button I am doing great. I am no longer weepy, sleepy, or in pain mode. I can move around all my myself and I was productive at work today. I miss my TV friends, Reg, Kelly, Whoopi, Elsibeth, Dr. Oz, Oprah and Ellen, but it feels good to be productive again. I can't wait to set my alarm for 5:30 and go for a morning run, especially now that it's light out earlier. Of course I can't wait for that while I am still on ordered rest. I am sure when it's allowed again I will grumble at that alarm. I can't wait to have a nice glass of wine...oh wait, I am right now...CHEERS! That's how I knew I was better, I wanted Chardonnay running through my veins again. Codeine, Percasets, anaesthesia, they are okay but they are not a glass of wine. Only thing that would make this glass better is if I was sharing it (well, not my glass, everyone would have to have their own glass) with my girls. By the way, hello? Anyone out there? Comments please, COMMENTS!
Tomorrow is results day. I am sure Doc will give me good news and send me on my way. I just really hope that after all of this I can menstruate on my own and then have my sweet baby girl (or boy if that's what the big guy intends). We should find out in a week or so...that's when I am technically "due" for my period. If I get a period without the help of Provera, AKA actually ovulate, you can bet Mike and I will be doing it like rabbits!! And if I don't get my period on my own? Well after over a week of 'pelvic rest' I am sure we will be busy anyway. I am going into TMI territory; a week off of the sauce will make you a lightweight every time. CHEERS!
Tomorrow is results day. I am sure Doc will give me good news and send me on my way. I just really hope that after all of this I can menstruate on my own and then have my sweet baby girl (or boy if that's what the big guy intends). We should find out in a week or so...that's when I am technically "due" for my period. If I get a period without the help of Provera, AKA actually ovulate, you can bet Mike and I will be doing it like rabbits!! And if I don't get my period on my own? Well after over a week of 'pelvic rest' I am sure we will be busy anyway. I am going into TMI territory; a week off of the sauce will make you a lightweight every time. CHEERS!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Healing
I am slowly healing from my surgery on Friday. I am happy to be sitting up in front of the computer instead of laying down in front of the TV. It's all about baby steps, no pun intended...well maybe a little.
Friday morning I was surrounded by my mother, my father in law, and of course my wonderful husband. I was also surrounded by incredible nurses and doctors. I was nervous and emotional; I swore in the car on the way to the hospital when I couldn't get my rings off, and I cried in the hospital when I kissed everyone goodbye. I am not strong or tough when it comes to these things, on the contrary, I am quite a baby I believe. I don't remember much; Mike told me that as they wheeled me away, in a matter of seconds I mumbled "Should I be feeling this already." The next thing I know I was awake, drinking delicious apple juice, crying tears of joy for being awake, and asking to hug every nurse and doctor who was there with me. After that I remember somehow being dressed, sitting in a recliner and being in A LOT of pain. I know I was given two hits of the drug that killed Michael Jackson, PLUS two Percasets. At that point I was apparently flying high. My family sat around me and I was chatting away. I had to stay at the hospital until I could pee on my own, but I was so comfortable I didn't want to leave. I was on drugs, drinking apple juice and had an audience...I was doing great. Rumor has it I invited the nurses and doctors to the birth of my future child! I eventually peed (with the assistance of my post-op nurse, Hazel) and was wheeled on out. I waved and hugged, Sheila, Desiree, Dr. Rodriguez (the one who gave me all the funny stuff), my doctor, Dr. Chidiac, and of course Hazel. From there it was Mike who was the best caretaker of all.
In the past 2 1/2 days Mike has fed me, given me medicine, ensured I had fluids, helped me up and down, cleaned out my wounds and re-bandaged me, all the while keeping his patience. My mom dug through unopened boxes at the grocery store to make sure I got the most recent US Weekly and continuously brings me the healing power of Dunkin Donuts coffee and flatbreads. I am so blessed by all my family and friends who have called to express their love and care. I am slowly healing.
So what happened in the actual surgery? Mike and I are going to the doctor's on Thursday to review the procedure and results but from what the doc told my family, I had a really hard blockage and they had to "blow out" a few times to get rid of it. But it's gone and everything went "beautifully"; I "did really well". That's so funny to me, because what did I really do? I was knocked out cold with no idea what was going on, but I did great!! Ok sure, I will take the credit.
So I have two small incisions, one in my belly button and one on my pelvis. I am bleeding like as if I had a period. My insides don't hurt too bad, it's mostly just the cuts that hurt. All day yesterday I had a killer headache, probably from the anesthesia. My throat felt as dry as bark on a tree from the tube that was in my throat during surgery. I have a prescription for Tylenol 3 (with Codeine) and I have been taking that to ease the pain. I am sleeping a lot, and when I am awake I am watching cheesy movies. Today I actually feel human. I explained it to Mike as, I feel so much better than yesterday. It's like how you feel on the worst day of when you are 'normal' sick yet it's my best day so far. I know it's going to take time and I have to give myself that time. I am trying to be kind to myself, eat what I am craving and not care about calories or not being able to burn said calories. I am resting and taking it a day at a time. I do have a renewed sense of hope; I guess I feel like this is behind us and we can just take a breath now. It is one step closer to possibly having a baby although I know I can't get myself too glass half full. We may get pregnant after my week of doctor ordered "pelvic rest" or we may not. For right now, I am okay with it and I am just concentrating on slowing healing...physically and emotionally.
Friday morning I was surrounded by my mother, my father in law, and of course my wonderful husband. I was also surrounded by incredible nurses and doctors. I was nervous and emotional; I swore in the car on the way to the hospital when I couldn't get my rings off, and I cried in the hospital when I kissed everyone goodbye. I am not strong or tough when it comes to these things, on the contrary, I am quite a baby I believe. I don't remember much; Mike told me that as they wheeled me away, in a matter of seconds I mumbled "Should I be feeling this already." The next thing I know I was awake, drinking delicious apple juice, crying tears of joy for being awake, and asking to hug every nurse and doctor who was there with me. After that I remember somehow being dressed, sitting in a recliner and being in A LOT of pain. I know I was given two hits of the drug that killed Michael Jackson, PLUS two Percasets. At that point I was apparently flying high. My family sat around me and I was chatting away. I had to stay at the hospital until I could pee on my own, but I was so comfortable I didn't want to leave. I was on drugs, drinking apple juice and had an audience...I was doing great. Rumor has it I invited the nurses and doctors to the birth of my future child! I eventually peed (with the assistance of my post-op nurse, Hazel) and was wheeled on out. I waved and hugged, Sheila, Desiree, Dr. Rodriguez (the one who gave me all the funny stuff), my doctor, Dr. Chidiac, and of course Hazel. From there it was Mike who was the best caretaker of all.
In the past 2 1/2 days Mike has fed me, given me medicine, ensured I had fluids, helped me up and down, cleaned out my wounds and re-bandaged me, all the while keeping his patience. My mom dug through unopened boxes at the grocery store to make sure I got the most recent US Weekly and continuously brings me the healing power of Dunkin Donuts coffee and flatbreads. I am so blessed by all my family and friends who have called to express their love and care. I am slowly healing.
So what happened in the actual surgery? Mike and I are going to the doctor's on Thursday to review the procedure and results but from what the doc told my family, I had a really hard blockage and they had to "blow out" a few times to get rid of it. But it's gone and everything went "beautifully"; I "did really well". That's so funny to me, because what did I really do? I was knocked out cold with no idea what was going on, but I did great!! Ok sure, I will take the credit.
So I have two small incisions, one in my belly button and one on my pelvis. I am bleeding like as if I had a period. My insides don't hurt too bad, it's mostly just the cuts that hurt. All day yesterday I had a killer headache, probably from the anesthesia. My throat felt as dry as bark on a tree from the tube that was in my throat during surgery. I have a prescription for Tylenol 3 (with Codeine) and I have been taking that to ease the pain. I am sleeping a lot, and when I am awake I am watching cheesy movies. Today I actually feel human. I explained it to Mike as, I feel so much better than yesterday. It's like how you feel on the worst day of when you are 'normal' sick yet it's my best day so far. I know it's going to take time and I have to give myself that time. I am trying to be kind to myself, eat what I am craving and not care about calories or not being able to burn said calories. I am resting and taking it a day at a time. I do have a renewed sense of hope; I guess I feel like this is behind us and we can just take a breath now. It is one step closer to possibly having a baby although I know I can't get myself too glass half full. We may get pregnant after my week of doctor ordered "pelvic rest" or we may not. For right now, I am okay with it and I am just concentrating on slowing healing...physically and emotionally.
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