Delaying the Inevitable

I like to think that I face challenges head on; that even if it's uncomfortable or fearful I still pony up. Like I am not the biggest fan of flying...out come my rosarys and prayer cards, but I do it. I don't like conflict management...here come the knots in the stomach and hot face, but I handle it. So why is it that I delayed and delayed taking a pregnancy test that I needed to take ("just to be sure") before I start my period medicine followed by my ovulation (AKA here comes crazy) medicine? It was like a 12 step program for me. I was hoping that if I waited my period would come (it's been 2 weeks since the 'due' date). I just had surgery, surely I could get my period now. Then I thought about the Virgin Mary while brushing my teeth one morning. I have been praying hard on this and God can perform miracles; I mean if Mary got pregnant without even having sex...hello! I should be in business. Then reality set in and I thought about how much I don't want to take Chlomed again. Even if its just two cycles, that's 2 months of hell. But I also don't want to talk about IVF. I am in in such a bad place with this; just thinking about it now is making my throat feel tight and my breath short. I feel like.....like....I feel screwed. I feel like WTF, why can't I just get a freakin period and ovulate one month. I feel like I don't have it in me to go to the next step, it's like there is a wall there and I have no desire to climb it. I just keep thinking my body will do this on it's own. When I am running in the morning I listen to this one song by Sugarland and picture a collage of photos of our future baby and us being set to the song. I run faster. I keep running and I keep daydreaming and I keep praying.
This morning I finally took the damn test. I have lost count how many sticks I have peed on now. It's ridiculous. I should have stock in First Response. So I finally stopped putting off the inevitable and saw once again I was not, I am not, pregnant. I dropped off the prescriptions for Provera, Chlomed, and Prenatal Vitamins....kind of an ironic mix of pills huh? At least my hair is thick and shiny through all of this. There is always a bright side, right? Sigh.
I think I would prefer facing turbulence or an angry employee right about now...