Avoidance

Avoidance...it only gets you so far...
I have been avoiding a long distance friend of mine who recently became pregnant. I just couldn't hear all about her morning sickness and her perky "just don't stress and it will happen, " mantras. I avoid Instant Messenger, I don't text or call, I don't send her emails...but I did send her a Christmas card. The thing is, it has been a solid multitude of months and my avoidance has turned into guilt; guilt for feeling like a bad friend, a selfish and silly person.
I have been avoiding thoughts of a sweet little baby and if it will actually be possible for us to have one. I have even convinced myself that I am 100% fine without ever having one. I avoid the songs that I would set pictures of my baby's life too, I ignore the fertility and pregnancy books lounging on my desk, and I pretend that I have not spent almost a year and half of baby- making turmoil. The thing is, it has been a solid few months since I last visited with my doctor and I need to schedule a follow up appointment for next month, which scary to say, is just a day away (next month that is).
I have been avoiding having to take Clomid again; after my surgery and last doctor visit (in which he suggested a couple more hormone induced rounds if necessary, before the IVF road) I prayed and prayed just to be able to get a period, that way I could avoid all the prescriptions. I wasn't even praying for pregnancy, just the small 'baby' step of having regular menstrual cycles. Well, the thing is that it has now been a solid couple of months and I have been blessed with natural periods. So in this case I guess avoidance hasn't been a bad thing.
I have also avoided taking ovulation tests (I have had enough tests already to last me a lifetime) but now that I have had two natural menstrual cycles I am going to have to take the plunge and stop avoiding. I mean if I am having a period I should be ovulating, right? Isn't that how it normally works? I am so far removed from normal I don't even know...but I will find out soon. Of course my last two cycles have been abnormally long...the first one 41 days, this one 37 days. The instructions on when to start testing your urine for the "LH surge" only go up to day 40 of a cycle, and they say if each month varies on length, average the last three months to figure out the right day to start testing. I can't even be normal with a damn ovulation kit...I am over 4o days one month (?!??!?!) and I don't have three months to average (?!??!?!). I have tried to avoid feeling like a freak but again, avoidance only gets you so far...
So here I am with my freaky cycle, my pregnant friend who I will soon reach out to, my sappy songs on my iPod itching to be played, and my soon to be doctor's visit. It all catches up to you sooner or later and your head must pop up from under the sand.

I've become so numb...

Just the other day, someone whom I am not very friendly with, someone who up until the other day I thought disliked me, made the comment she couldn't wait for when I had children. She wanted to know if I wanted them and she said I would make a great mom. WTF??? Sure, what she said is really nice but would you have that conversation with someone you never normally speak too? I don't even like talking about having babies with someone I AM friendly with let alone a frenemy.
Then a day later I heard people in our driveway; I peaked out the window just in time to see our local policewoman mouth the words to Mike, 'So when are you having babies!?" I wanted to run out of the house and yell "None of your damn business 5-0!", but I didn't want to get arrested.
I was beginning to think that maybe people weren't saying dumb or insensitive things anymore and then I realized...I have grown numb to them and unless I have time to reflect, I don't even realize what's being said! I guess that's one positive to all of this taking so long.

Desperado

Last night I had restless dreams about taking a pregnancy test so this morning at 5:30 am I got up and I took one, I took a pregnancy test...
Let's rewind for a moment. A few days ago I realized my period would be due soon, and don't forget about my pretend pregnancy thoughts. I even was convinced I gave 'my baby' Fetal Alcohol Syndrome after one too many glasses of champagne Saturday night. So I peaked under the bathroom sink and pulled out my handy dandy First Response box opened with 2 tests (it was a 3 pack) inside. When you are trying to get pregnant those little suckers become as vital as water. Anyway I read the instructions to determine what day I could take the test early and lo and behold...the instructions used an example..."For example, if you are due on the 21st you can take the test on the 17th." Well no shit, I am due on the 21st and the 17th is just a couple of days away! I took that as a sign I should take the test early and maybe I was indeed pregnant.
So today is the 17th and I took the test early. I am indeed not pregnant. Sucks. But the box did say that if the test is negative try again 7 days after your due date if you still have not gotten a period. I know you will be shocked to hear that I will be doing exactly just that, hopeful that my "you have a baby inside you!" hormone level was just to low to read this time. My question is though, when does all of this stop looking hopeful and start looking desperate? Do I already appear desperate and I am too delusional to see it? I mean I have a freakin song picked out for the slide show of picture I want to put together after my baby is born; I can see pictures of Mike, me and our precious baby scrolling through with a powerful song to guide. When does that stop being sweet and start being pathetic? I feel like maybe I am pathetic and desperate, but what else do I have to go on? I have to stay in this mindset that it can...and it will happen. I can't even imagine the alternative.

And time, goes by, so slowly...

So I can't stop thinking about my whimsical approach to wishful baby thinking. I am still in favor of it; yes I will be disappointed if I am not pregnant this month, but will I be any more disappointed then when the pregnant test falsely said positive? I don't think so.
What I am not in favor of is the days that I don't really feel well, like today. I am tired, lack energy, a little sick to my stomach, and a bit of a grouch; having those symptoms puts me in a tail spin. There is nothing whimsical about my thinking now. Am I getting sick? Or am I really pregnant?? It most likely is the first of the two, but regardless, I slightly panic. I tense up my body and unravel my mind. I think more than anything what makes it so hard is having to wait to find out. I prefer instant gratification and it drives me mad that I have to wait another week and a half to know for sure. I would be fine if I was just sending positive vibes and being silly with occasional baby talk, but symptoms, they are the death of me. They take my easy, level headed approach and throw it out the window.
I really hope I am not getting sick, for a lot of reasons...but mainly for one.

Namaste

Well, Mike and I are still giving it the old college try...we can't say we didn't put the effort in this month. We are going to finish this week out strong and see where we land. I have a renewed sense of hope since the whole "natural period" thing. This month I have jokingly talked to my stomach and told Mike the baby is making me tired. A professional would probably say it's not sane or productive to live in make believe land, but in a weird way this light hearted fun keeps my sanity. I mean I KNOW that there is a very good possibility I am not pregnant but I have dealt with that disappointment so many times, that I don't think some silly "baby talk" will hurt me. And don't they say put out there what you want to happen? Don't they say to only think positive thoughts? So from my perspective all I am doing is helping my chances; I am working with the universe by fantasizing I got a bun in the oven. So while we decorate the tree this year and I think about a little baby and a baby's first Christmas ornament next Christmas, don't judge me...think positive with me and send some of that energy to the universe.

I'm Bringing Sexyback...

I want your sex. Oh me so horny. Push it good. I wanna sex you up. All I wanna do is make love to you. Let's get it on. Lover lay down. Love machine. I'm in the mood for...BABY Making!!! Yup, this would be the week of weeks. My period has come and gone, thank you Lord, and now it's all about ovulating. I stared at the ovulation tests at Walgreens debating whether or not I should buy a kit. Ultimately I decided against it. I got my period without pills, so maybe I will ovulate without tracking (and pills). I will let you know but in the meantime, I gotta go shake my groove thing .