Avoidance

Avoidance...it only gets you so far...
I have been avoiding a long distance friend of mine who recently became pregnant. I just couldn't hear all about her morning sickness and her perky "just don't stress and it will happen, " mantras. I avoid Instant Messenger, I don't text or call, I don't send her emails...but I did send her a Christmas card. The thing is, it has been a solid multitude of months and my avoidance has turned into guilt; guilt for feeling like a bad friend, a selfish and silly person.
I have been avoiding thoughts of a sweet little baby and if it will actually be possible for us to have one. I have even convinced myself that I am 100% fine without ever having one. I avoid the songs that I would set pictures of my baby's life too, I ignore the fertility and pregnancy books lounging on my desk, and I pretend that I have not spent almost a year and half of baby- making turmoil. The thing is, it has been a solid few months since I last visited with my doctor and I need to schedule a follow up appointment for next month, which scary to say, is just a day away (next month that is).
I have been avoiding having to take Clomid again; after my surgery and last doctor visit (in which he suggested a couple more hormone induced rounds if necessary, before the IVF road) I prayed and prayed just to be able to get a period, that way I could avoid all the prescriptions. I wasn't even praying for pregnancy, just the small 'baby' step of having regular menstrual cycles. Well, the thing is that it has now been a solid couple of months and I have been blessed with natural periods. So in this case I guess avoidance hasn't been a bad thing.
I have also avoided taking ovulation tests (I have had enough tests already to last me a lifetime) but now that I have had two natural menstrual cycles I am going to have to take the plunge and stop avoiding. I mean if I am having a period I should be ovulating, right? Isn't that how it normally works? I am so far removed from normal I don't even know...but I will find out soon. Of course my last two cycles have been abnormally long...the first one 41 days, this one 37 days. The instructions on when to start testing your urine for the "LH surge" only go up to day 40 of a cycle, and they say if each month varies on length, average the last three months to figure out the right day to start testing. I can't even be normal with a damn ovulation kit...I am over 4o days one month (?!??!?!) and I don't have three months to average (?!??!?!). I have tried to avoid feeling like a freak but again, avoidance only gets you so far...
So here I am with my freaky cycle, my pregnant friend who I will soon reach out to, my sappy songs on my iPod itching to be played, and my soon to be doctor's visit. It all catches up to you sooner or later and your head must pop up from under the sand.