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You can now found me at http://pregnancy.lovetoknow.com/blogs

At The Point...

I am at the point now that when someone asks me if I have children or if I am planning on having children I have diarrhea of the mouth. It has been a question asked so many times in the 2 years I have been married that I am over being coy, embarrassed, reserved or vague in my answer. Case in point, this past week I was in Vegas for a leadership conference. I came down with a nasty sinus infection and had to go to a walk-in clinic; you are not sure what you will find in a Vegas walk-in clinic so a fellow co-worker offered to go with me. While we waited with showgirls and bachelor party boys, my co-worker asked 'the children' question. Without even missing a beat I found myself spewing out the facts...we have been trying...I have issues...its been a challenge...we will see what happens. I figure if trying to conceive has become a part of my identity I might as well keep it real and embrace it. I really have nothing to hide when it comes to sharing my story. As women we feel like failures and we feel broken, but really it is a challenge that we have been faced with, and we are brave and we are fighters, not failures. I just read an article on the plane ride home from Vegas; the article was about Celine Dion and her four attempts at IVF. All four attempts did not work, and even through all the hormones, injections, blood tests, and treatments, she is not giving up. She is courageous. All of us trying to navigate through this challenge are courageous, no matter what course we choice to take. So I am proud to be at the point where I don't care what someone else thinks or feels about what I am going through. I am proud of who I am and the challenges I am bravely facing.

Identifying With Me

Is it horrible that I am now scared to get pregnant? That now I am thinking, after all of this, I DON'T WANT to have a baby? So much of my life the past year and a half has been focused on getting ready for a baby...mind, body, and soul. It has been endless conversations, too many doctor's visits to count, 2 surgical procedures, significant blood work, crazy medications, too many hopeful ups, only to be let downs, and never ending space in the back of mind...Am I pregnant? Why am I not pregnant? How could she tell me for the 1oth time, just relax and it will happen? Why did he ask me if I am still drinking-do I look pregnant? If I lay here longer will Mike's guys have a better chance of reach my eggs? Why won't my eggs drop? Am I ovulating? What does that test line say-I can't read it? ...Never ending mind space that now I want some of it back. I have been so focused on trying to have a baby that it has become a piece of me. I am Sheri, a woman trying to get pregnant. I can't even imagine what it would be like to actually BE pregnant at this point. My identity is the woman who CAN'T get pregnant. So the thought of getting knocked up (really, how does the term knocked up even equate to getting pregnant? Bun in the oven, ok I see the analogy, but knocked up?) now scares me. I would lose part of my identity. I don't know how to be a pregnant woman.
Also, Mike and I have our groove now. We take care of each other, love our down time, enjoy dinners just the two of us, can travel freely, and don't have to worry about somebody else when we want to sleep in on the weekend. The longer I sway to our groove, the longer I like it.
So I think I am going to give up on my baby quest for the moment. I am not going to try and stop us from conceiving, I am just not going to try. I get the difference now between trying and not trying. Trying you are wound tight even when you think you aren't and you live, breath and eat attempts at reproduction. Not trying is having good old fashioned sex when you feel like it, not peeing on sticks for days on end, and not crying when you get your period or a result window that says not pregnant. Not trying means going back to the woman you identified yourself as before you started the baby journey.
While I will be happy to regain some old identity and some mental (and emotional) shelf space, I would be hard pressed not to think some of the me from this baby journey won't still be around...and that's okay, I will embrace her with open arms.

Directions

So it has been 5 days of stick peeing; no true signs of ovulation yet. You know you are ovulating when the test line is equal to or darker than the reference line. The first few of days my test line was faint but existent. On the forth day I didn't even get a test line. WTF?! Did that mean I was taking a step backwards in this ovulation game? And what exactly was worse than not ovulating, ovulating to produce alien babies? Well last night, day five, I had to excuse myself during a Confirmation Mass with a bishop so I could pee on my stick. The directions say to take the test at approximately the same day each day and I am very good at following directions. As I waited the 5 minutes (not 3 like with pregnancy tests) I wondered if maybe because I was doing the test in a church my result would be positive. Then I thought maybe because I got up in the middle of the Mass and even let out a few big sigh during it (because it was a TWO HOUR Mass), my result would be negative. I ended up with a result somewhere in between...my test line was the darkest of the week but not quite as dark as the reference line. Eh, sure, I am going to say I am ovulating. Oh, I know that according to the directions the test line has to be as dark or darker, but this was close...and I said I was good at following directions, I am just not always good at reading them.

Cruel Intentions

The other day I was getting ready to leave work when I remembered I had a piece of mail I still needed to open. Typically I will bring my mail into work and read it there; just a routine I started many years ago. The envelope let me know the mail was from my insurance company so I figured it was an EOB (Explanation of Benefits) but I was quite wrong in my assumption. I opened the letter to find that it was addressed to me, Sheri Bollon, an expecting mother. WHAT??? The letter was three paragraphs long, informing me of a program available to me through my insurance, which would provide me with helpful tools and resources during my pregnancy. I apparently will be receiving a whole packet of goodies on pregnancy in the upcoming weeks and my baby and I are wished a happy and healthy journey. I called the number given for any questions and left a rather curt message, explaining that while I would love to be pregnant, at this time I am not, and I would appreciate the pregnancy fan mail to stop.
I just couldn't believe it...it the past year I was told by a pharmacist I couldn't get my prescription because I was pregnant, I had a false positive pregnancy test, and now I am getting a letter congratulating me on having a baby. I don't get it. I would like to say maybe this is a sign and I am pregnant or will be pregnant soon, but I just can't go there. There have been too many signs in the past that just turned into cruel forms of nothing. I guess I will chalk this one up to someone being sorely misinformed and be being sorely stung by otherwise good intentions.

All I Know For Sure...

Well we are 10 days into the new year. I have no idea what this year will bring for us in terms of a baby. I do know in 10 days from now I will be peeing on sticks to test my ovulation. I also know there are times when I still think, "I am okay with not having a baby"; then I find myself crying watching the delivery episode of Kendra. Yes, Kendra, the ex-playboy playmate who is so totally annoying. There should be no crying watching her episode unless it's from your ears bleeding from her laugh, and yet I was all sniffles and tears. They placed her sweet little boy in her arms after hours and hours of being in labor, and that was it for me. Then they gave the baby to her husband and he beamed with pride holding his son, and it was really it for me. Put a fork in me, I was done. Those tears let me know that even though I sometimes think I really don't care, I clearly, clearly do. So 10 days into the new year and all I know for sure is that pee sticks are in my near future and I can not longer watch Kendra.

Simple Prayer

A New Hope in a New Year.
Amen