Identifying With Me

Is it horrible that I am now scared to get pregnant? That now I am thinking, after all of this, I DON'T WANT to have a baby? So much of my life the past year and a half has been focused on getting ready for a baby...mind, body, and soul. It has been endless conversations, too many doctor's visits to count, 2 surgical procedures, significant blood work, crazy medications, too many hopeful ups, only to be let downs, and never ending space in the back of mind...Am I pregnant? Why am I not pregnant? How could she tell me for the 1oth time, just relax and it will happen? Why did he ask me if I am still drinking-do I look pregnant? If I lay here longer will Mike's guys have a better chance of reach my eggs? Why won't my eggs drop? Am I ovulating? What does that test line say-I can't read it? ...Never ending mind space that now I want some of it back. I have been so focused on trying to have a baby that it has become a piece of me. I am Sheri, a woman trying to get pregnant. I can't even imagine what it would be like to actually BE pregnant at this point. My identity is the woman who CAN'T get pregnant. So the thought of getting knocked up (really, how does the term knocked up even equate to getting pregnant? Bun in the oven, ok I see the analogy, but knocked up?) now scares me. I would lose part of my identity. I don't know how to be a pregnant woman.
Also, Mike and I have our groove now. We take care of each other, love our down time, enjoy dinners just the two of us, can travel freely, and don't have to worry about somebody else when we want to sleep in on the weekend. The longer I sway to our groove, the longer I like it.
So I think I am going to give up on my baby quest for the moment. I am not going to try and stop us from conceiving, I am just not going to try. I get the difference now between trying and not trying. Trying you are wound tight even when you think you aren't and you live, breath and eat attempts at reproduction. Not trying is having good old fashioned sex when you feel like it, not peeing on sticks for days on end, and not crying when you get your period or a result window that says not pregnant. Not trying means going back to the woman you identified yourself as before you started the baby journey.
While I will be happy to regain some old identity and some mental (and emotional) shelf space, I would be hard pressed not to think some of the me from this baby journey won't still be around...and that's okay, I will embrace her with open arms.