The Gift of Today

As we dropped our children off at school today and began our workday, our hearts were a little heavier. We mourn the loss of innocent lives and unnecessary tragedy. We pray that our children will always be safe and protected, that what happened last Friday will never happen again. We are at a loss of words and understanding. We want to offer comfort to the families, first responders and community of Newtown. We look for ways to cope ourselves.

Nothing can bring back the lives that were lost last week, but we can honor them by being the best versions of ourselves, appreciating the gift of life we have been given. We can love a little more boldly and hug a little more tightly. We can stop sweating the small stuff and be grateful for our health, family, and friends.

Today I am more aware of how blessed I am, I know many of you are as well. My prayer is that our awareness does not diminish over time, but the light of those children and women who left this earth too soon, will remind us that every day is a precious gift.

Take Two Of These And Call Me In The Morning...

As children and young adults we take for granted our health and the health of our loved ones. We think we are invincible and jump out of trees, recklessly speed with our friends in tow, drink too much, and avoid going to the doctor. We are young and don't have any aches or pains.

Then one day life sneaks up on you. You can't stay out as late as you used to and your body gets tired more easily. Your friends start to lose their parents. Your parent is diagnosed with cancer, treatable, thank God. Your friend is diagnosed with a brain tumor, not treatable...and your life flashes before your eyes.

Everyone has a different story of how they came to realize health is the most precious gift we are given. Unfortunately it usually involves them losing someone or fighting their own health crisis. Fancy cars, big homes, vacations, none of it matters unless you and those you love are healthy. It's cliché but its reality, and until you have to face reality, you may not understand it.

I don't think we should walk around in a constant state of "living like we were dying"- remember, everything in moderation- we need to be responsible and go to work, clean our house, meet our obligations. But I do think that everyday we should take a minute and focus on our breath, our beating heart and clean lungs, thank God for them, and pray to God for those that are without. But before the grace of God there go I.

Stress Less!

Stress has seemed to invade my life. I have prided myself on good work/life balance and leaving issues where they belong, not carrying them over. With getting ready to move, planning Audrey's second birthday, busy season at work, and life in general, I am not balancing so well.

My eye is twitching almost everyday. I am not taking the time to center myself in God and prayer. I am neglecting my writing and running, hobbies that I derive great pleasure from. I am taking for granted my blessings. I have lost focus on Mike and our marriage.

I need to turn this 'stress' around and it is easier to do then you or I would like to think. Today's society is so caught up in being busy that people receive praise for being pulled in too many directions. We don't want to limit our activities and level of stress because we don't want to be viewed as lazy or underachieving, so when someone asks us how we are we reply "Oh, I am so busy!! I have so much going on with work and Katie has dance and Billy has softball, and we are doubled book with parties this weekend." Well, I want to turnaround the stress and craziness, and it's all in how I actually perceive my life.

Yes, I am moving and have a full work and personal schedule..but aren't all of those things blessings? We are moving into a beautiful home, we have careers that support our way of living and we are surrounded by family and friends. This is not stress, this is a full and blessed life.

So next time someone asks me how I am, instead of explaining on how hectic and demanding my life is , I am going to respond that I am happy and grateful for everything I have.

Thanks For The Memories

I can remember perfectly the three homes I spent the majority of my young life in; I can picture the mirrored dining room on Talcott Rd, the spiral staircase on East Chimney Sweep, and the mile long driveway on Saddle Ridge. I have memories of being at the homes of family and friends. I can still smell my Nana’s house and I can put myself right back to her kitchen table eating baloga sandwiches. I can hear the big trees rustling in my best friend’s backyard as we ran around and played for hours on end.

We recently just bought a new home and we will be moving in a month. The house is just a few miles from where we live now, but it feels like a world away…it feels that way because it is new and different. It is a bigger home, a quieter street, and everything we have dreamed of to raise our family. We will make memories in this new home and someday Audrey will be able to describe the feel and smell of her childhood home. This new house will be what she remembers, but what I will most remember is the house we are in now. I want her to know some things about this small but lovely house we currently call home…

It is the house where newlyweds came home too and began a new life in. It is where a baby’s room was created with love and anticipation and where a newborn and her parents spent many sleepless nights. Its where rowdy Thanksgiving dinners were shared with both sides of the family, and where quiet nights shared by two were spent on the back porch talking and laughing. This house has the first pool a baby dipped her little body in, and where a Daddy built a beautiful swing set that he spent hours pushing his daughter on. This house is filled with love and a sense of family. This house will always be special.

While I am excited about our move and making moments that matter in our new home, I will fondly look back on the memories I made as an adult in house number 4721, with the childlike vision I have for the houses in which I grew up. I might have even actually grown up the most at 4721.

Not Guilty Your Honor

When I was younger I felt guilty about everything. I felt guilty for the way other people felt even if it had nothing to do with me. If my mother didn’t call me back within an hour I was afraid I did something to upset her and would rack my brain to think of what I could have possibly done. I felt guilty if I ate something that I considered to be bad like frozen yogurt or a piece of pizza. I would make myself sick thinking about things I said or did years before, filled with guilt and shame over something small or something I could not change. I had a hard time saying no to people and would go places I didn’t want to go or do things I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone because if I did, you guessed it, I felt guilty.

I sometimes still feel guilty for things I shouldn’t, like if I have to miss a day of work because I am sick or if I feel I disappointed someone in my family or one of my friends. But over time, I have learned that guilt is nothing but a waste less emotion. It is a way to keep us feeling negative about ourselves, our lives, and it stops us from growing. As human beings we will always make mistakes and we will always fail to please someone. We aren’t perfect and we shouldn’t expect ourselves to be.  

Cut yourself some slack and when you catch yourself starting to feel guilty because you decided it was more important to spend your Saturday morning in your pjs rather than in the grocery store, stomp out that guilt. Feed yourself kind thoughts (“I deserve this me time”, “I worked hard this week and I am enjoying this down time”) and then keep sitting on your couch watching Real Housewives of New Jersey.  

Smooth Landing

While my posts are typically independent of one another I felt it was important to follow up on my last post, "Cruising Altitude".

As you may remember I was anxious about flying with an almost two year old who is very active. I put a lot of time and thought into planning the trip, trying to make it as smooth as possible.

I can say the planning was a success and although Audrey did not nap while in flight (my greatest hope), she was entertained and well behaved. The top items on my travel list that I recommend as a must are:

Row 1...we had a lot of extra room and when the seat belt sign was off Audrey stood up and moved around. It was a little bit of freedom for her and for us.

Snack items...animal crackers, Goldfish, whatever your child prefers. Let him or her load up!

A laptop and a favorite video...for us that means Barney.

New books, especially the flap books to open and look under.

The biggest hit for Audrey was her Dora backpack with wheels. She didn't care what was in it, she just cared about wheeling it through the airport. She loved it so much she asked to sleep with it at night!

I was pleasantly surprised with how well the traveling experience went and can proudly say we were all on our best behavior. I am also not ashamed to say, while it did go well, I am looking forward to traveling next time by myself (business trip) where I can read, sleep, and not watch a big purple dinosaur.

Cruising Altitude

We are getting ready to travel this week to visit family up north. I am so excited to spend quality time with aunts, uncles, cousins, and dear friends. I am looking forward to cool evenings when the temperature changes to 65 degrees and you have to put on a light jacket. I can’t wait to dance the night away with Mike as we celebrate his cousin’s wedding. I am enthusiastic about the whole trip with the exception of the flight. I am not what one would call a ‘good flier”. I tend to be a bit of a white-knuckler when flying and the thought of turbulences makes me get diarrhea. My anxiety about this flight however, is not about being 32,000 feet in the air, but rather being confined to an airplane with my 21 month old daughter.

Audrey is full of energy and sass, always on the move and plowing through those trying to stop her. She is a good girl, they love her at daycare, but try and get her to sit for too long and you are asking for it. I think at her age ants in the pants is common and its just a matter of managing through it. I have put a lot of thought and prayer into how to handle the flights to and from CT and have come up with a best laid plan. In full disclosure, some close to us encouraged us to try Benadryl to make her sleepy, even though it says right on the box, ‘do not use to sedate your child’. 

I was totally against the idea until Audrey acted up in public last Friday night, and it took a good two glasses of wine for my nerves to settle after two time-outs. It just so happened that Audrey had some nasty mosquitoes bites that she kept itching, so I gave her some Benadryl right before her nap yesterday. I felt like it was a good trial run to see how she reacted. Guess what, Benadryl is not some miracle fix that parents write about on the internet. Audrey got a little drowsy but she did not sleep any longer than she normally does, and in fact woke up cranky. So drugging my daughter on the plane is out. This is what is in:

• Her brand-new, never before seen Dora backpack with wheels that she will get at the airport
• New books, stickers and puzzles
• Beads, stretchy key chains, and random do-dads that toddlers seem to love
• Her favorite Barney and Sesame Street videos- hello laptop!
• New downloads of the abovementioned shows- hello iPad!
• Goldfish, cereal bars, and cookies-carb loading because it keeps her happy and full
• Telling her the flight attendants are like her teachers at school and she needs to listen; hoping the flight attendants will work with me on flexing their authority muscles in front of her
• Prayers for: 1. a safe flight 2. a child who will sleep (it is her naptime on the way up), and 3. patience for me and my husband
• Speaking of patience…alcohol is in, especially for my husband. Mike can’t handle Audrey having bad behavior in public, let alone an airplane so he needs to drink…a lot. I am not saying she will be naughty, I am just saying he will need to be buzzed in case she is
• Singing songs over and over, “ABCs” and “Itsy Bitsy” may get old on normal days, but not on travel days
• Paying extra for “extra leg room”. We didn’t get Audrey her own seat because there are only two seats to a row, so we selected Row 1 where we have “extra living space” (according to Jetblue) due to the space between the row and the bulkhead wall. Once the seatbelt sign is off Audrey can march around that space if so needed

So that is my plan in a nutshell. Some, all, or none of it may work, I will let you know once our feet have touched the ground, unless of course it doesn’t get well and you see us on a YouTube video that a fellow passenger took of us. Here’s hoping we don’t go viral.

Love Letter

I believe it is so important to share with our loved ones, especially our children, how much we love them. Before Audrey was even born I started writing her letters. I want her to always know my affection for her and that it started before she took her first breath.

In today's day and age everything is about emails, ecards, egreetings, etc. I still believe in the power of a good old fashion letter, and while I am sharing this via an electronic blog with you, my daughter is getting on paper.

Take the time today to leave a letter for someone, and let your words be a legacy of love.

Dearest Audrey,

I wanted to take a few minutes today and share with you some (of the many) things I love about you.

I love how you say the word yes, “yyeesss”. It’s said with such conviction and emphasis, and excitement about what is being said and what is about to come.

I love that you love to sing, everything from “I love you” to “ABCs”, you sing a long, not missing a beat, even when you don’t know the words.

I love when we sing “I love you” at night, you hold on to the crib railing, sway back and forth, give hugs and kisses during the right parts of the song, and constantly want to do it again, “MORE!”.

I love how curious you are and that you love to look for airplanes, helicopters, and lizards.

I love that you already get excited over your shoes and prefer sparkles and butterflies when it comes time to picking a pair to put on.

I love that you love to make us laugh and that you sometimes even make yourself laugh; you are already a little star.

I love when we get to snuggle, first thing in the morning, when you are still sleepy and rest your head on my shoulder. It doesn’t happen all the time so I cherish it when it does happen.

I love how you say Grandma “MahMA” and Grandpa “Pop-pops”, Gigi and “No George”.

I love that you get so excited for Menchies just like your mommy, and how much joy you get out of that little treat.

I love when you say “yummy to tummy” while you rub your hand over your belly-you say this when you are talking about pizza.

I love that you love the doggies and run around the house to kiss and hug them; I love how you like to sit on the floor next to Hannah when she is curled up in the bedroom.

I love watching you play independently, seeing your imagination at work as you put Puppy and Elmo to ‘night-night” and give Baby the bottle.

I love that you are already a leader, the first in line to walk out to the playground, and the source of comfort for Molly and the other kids at school.

I love that the future for you is so bright and I get a front seat to watch the wonder and glory of you unfold

Audrey, I could spend the whole day writing down all the things I love about you. There is no one like you, you are one in a million and I am blessed to be your mommy.

I love you Sweet Girl,

Mommy

Time-out

I grew up in a home with strict rules and I was disciplined if I did not follow the rules accordingly. I was hit as a child and I still remember how I felt being physically punished. There was a lot of shame associated with being hit.

Fast forward thirty years and I am now disciplining my own child. Audrey is not even two yet, so I don’t know exactly how the future will play out, but for right now I am choosing to avoid physical punishment. Even though she is young, my husband and I have however found forms of discipline that do work on Audrey. We started the concept of time-out early on, for when she didn’t listen or demonstrated bad behavior. We give her choices and let her make “a good decision”. If she doesn’t, there are consequences whether she loses what she is playing with, doesn’t get the treat she wanted, or goes into time-out. Sometimes it’s all three! We make her clean up after herself, put her toys away, put her socks in the hamper, and say goodbye and hug her grandparents when they leave. Some people would say we are too strict and instilling too many rules at such a young age, and others would say its okay to spank or use physical force on a rowdy toddler.

As parents we have our own choices on how to raise and discipline our children. There are days were I can remain calm during an Audrey storm and there are other days when I feel like I am the storm and may lose it over something that isn’t significant. In those moments I have to discipline myself, give myself a time-out, remember my daughter is watching and I too need to make a good decision.

Gratitude

I wish when I was younger I had a greater sense of gratitude. I was too busy focusing on me and everything happening around me, instead of counting the blessings in my life. While I still can get caught up, I am grateful everyday for my many gifts.

It is easy to get caught up in little things that go wrong in life, to find the negative in situations, and complain to whoever will listen. It seems often times people focus on what they don’t have instead of what they do have. Yes, I would like a bigger, fancier house. I would love an all day shopping spree at Nordstrom. I sometimes long for a more glamorous and exciting career. I often get frustrated because of my long commute, mundane days, endless responsibilities. Then I stop and take a breath…and become grateful for that breath.

I have a friend who’s life was turned upside down when she found out she had a grade 4 brain tumor; she now longs for normal days where all she has to worry about is how she will get all the laundry done and help her kids with homework. I have my health today and so do those that I love. I have a comfortable home, a successful career that helps pay for the mortgage on that home, a family that I am blessed enough to take care of, and my wardrobe is stocked more then most.

Even in difficult times we can find people and things to be grateful for, and while it sometimes may take work to find the blessing, it’s there. Choose the blessings.

Swagger

When I was in my twenties I didn’t value myself or my body enough. Don’t get me wrong, I was not a promiscuous girl, giving away the candy to anyone who was interested. I was selective with who I became intimate with, however not selective enough. I may not have had sex with everyone I dated or was interested in, but at times I did things in hopes of making a guy realize how great I was and want to love me.

I have a memory of this one guy who looking back now I am not sure why I had a crush on him, but I did. We were at his place and he wanted to fool around but wouldn’t kiss me. He kept trying to grope and I kept trying to kiss. I couldn’t understand why the heck he wouldn’t kiss me?! I think I even told him I wanted to kiss him, like sticking my mouth on his wasn’t obvious enough, and I can’t remember what he said, but I know it wasn’t “I want to kiss you so badly too and I am just prolonging our ecstasy”. I stayed a bit longer, trying to win this guy over but eventually realized he wanted one thing and he wanted it on his terms. He didn’t want me, he just want to hook up and I just happened to be there.

I was smart enough to leave, but I left feeling unworthy and foolish. I should have left the minute he showed little regard for me, but I didn’t have the self confidence then that I do today. Looking back now I want to tell my younger self, that she is smart, brave and worthy, much worthier then a kiss from some random boy named after a cartoon dog (not naming names to protect the @$#holes). I want to hug her and tell her that she should never have to try to make someone love her or try and convince someone she is special. I want her to hold her head up high and not give anything away to any man unless he makes her feel loved, valued, and beautiful. I would tell her she is so important and should walk through life situations with a strut, a swagger.

It is true that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. There are many frogs I enjoyed kissing and I am glad for the experiences I shared with them…I just wish I had bypassed the snakes and sharks I also happened to hook up with along the way. The lesson in all of this is, if your gut is telling you the man isn’t right, or if you find yourself having to throw yourself at someone to get their attention or your needs met, turnaround on your stilettos and swagger right out the door.

Baby Not On Board

Before I was even 10 centimeters dilated with Audrey, people were asking me when I was going to have another baby. Even my husband was on the bandwagon of having another one as soon as Audrey was born. Two of my girlfriends who were pregnant with their first babies the same time as me, both just had their second babies three months ago. They are beyond happy, blessed times two, and will get diapers over and done with…and that’s all great, for them.

Most everyone I talk to says they couldn’t wait to have another baby after their first, but I don’t feel that way. It’s not because I don’t like being a mother, I can’t even explain enough how much I love being a mom and how much I love Audrey. I had an easy pregnancy and delivery, enjoyed nursing, and had Audrey sleeping well early on. I enjoyed the stages and watching her grow through the first year. But the fact of the matter is, it’s HARD WORK and you lose yourself and your life for a while. Right now I am enjoying giving my undivided attention to Audrey, really being able to hear and appreciate her laugh, and having the energy to chase her around. I love that we all sleep through the night, that I can go away overnight without pumping or having an anxiety attack, and that I can enjoy multiple glasses of wine. I am happy with my life right now, and whether or not it seems selfish, I am not ready to change it.

The expectation of society is that you will have more than one child, and you are looked at disapprovingly if you say you are okay with one. “Oh no, you have to have another, Audrey needs a brother.” Yes, I agree it would be nice for Audrey to have a sibling but I don’t think she will grow up to be a mass murderer or socially challenged individual if she doesn’t have one. I grew up an only child and I think MOST people would say I am a well adjusted person. I don’t feel like my life is lacking and I don’t long for a brother or sister.

I am not sure what the future will hold for us, when and if we will try for another baby. I imagine we will when the time is right for both of us. But whatever the decision it will be based on what’s best for our family and not the opinions of others. Getting other’s views can often times be helpful, but don’t let other people’s opinion determine your beliefs.

Fear Not

It is healthy to have some amount of fear in life. I think it’s beneficial to have some fear of the consequences for you actions. It’s important to listen to your gut when you sense something is not right. Knowing who you can trust and who you can’t is critical in navigating through life. While being observant, cautious and apprehensive at times can be positive, you have to balance your elements of fear in life.

I want Audrey to grow up feeling powerful, confident, and secure. Throughout my childhood and into my adult life I suffered from major anxiety and also had an intense fear of elevators, and I don’t want that for my daughter. I watched my mother endure panic attacks, took them on myself, and it burdened me for many years.

I have worked through much of my fear, however I still have a hard time flying. I don’t think my phobia of flying is related to the other anxieties previously in my life, but it is limiting nonetheless. Instead of looking forward to a destination I often find myself glued to the seat of airplane, with my hear thumping out of chest and my palms sweating profusely. It’s not the most fun way to travel.

Audrey should know limits, what is acceptable behavior and what is not, she should have a curfew as a teenager, and obey the law. But I am going to do everything in my power so that Audrey is not limited by fears and has a healthy sense of herself and the world. I want her to ride the tallest elevators, take the long flight to Hawaii, and feel secure in her life and relationships; and who knows, I may be with her on some Aloha Airlines having the time of my life.

Free Bird

We all want it, most of us can't have it. It's an elusive paradise that often comes in spans of 10 minutes here and there. It's a gift mom's are often given once a year on Mother's Day. It's what many people aim for on a Sunday. Ah, free time, glorious moments to yourself without any interruption.

Free time is so hard to achieve because we are all so busy, especially moms. Your children need as much of your attention as they can get, on top of your husband, other family members, friends and work obligations. Even if you don't have children, there are always social and professional demands calling your name. So all too often we find ourselves saying, "If I only had an hour to myself I would..."

Read, exercise, upload pictures from the last year, make meatballs from scratch, take a bath, paint, call an old friend, and so on and so on. I know I often think this as Audrey has her arms wrapped around my legs as I try to walk in the door from working all day, and Mike calls frustrated because he is stuck in traffic, and I need to get supper ready in 20 minutes or less. I fantasize about drinking something with an umbrella in it as I sit my ass in a beach chair by MYSELF. I long for time to myself, that is until I actually get it.

I am traveling for work this week, headed to Las Vegas, and I am dreading it. Finally I will have mornings to sleep in with no one to get ready except myself. I will have evenings free to have one too many glasses of wine and not worry about being responsible. I can shop without having to feed someone Cheerios to stay happy for a few extra minutes, and I can read People magazine start to finish on the airplane. All of that sounds glorious however right now it seems like torture.

Now that I have the opportunity to enjoy free time, I am soaking in every moment of being with my daughter and husband. I am happily doing the chores and praying for time to go slow. Free time doesn't seem as great as it does in fantasy land, but maybe that's why it is important to have it. We all get so tied into our daily lives that we often take them for granted, we take for granted the act of being present in our lives and in our families.

It is a blessing to have people to answer to and things to be responsible for; it means we are connected and loved. Having free time not only rejuvinates us, but also reminds us what is really important, so what do you say...go change those sheets on your bed and that baby's diaper with a big smile on your face, and heart.

Best Friends Forever

It is wonderful to be blessed with girlfriends. There is nothing like talking about great mascara, cheesy reality television, children, husbands, work, and everything in-between. Whether you are sharing a glass of wine, a cup of coffee or a walk around the neighborhood, time spent with your girlfriends is one of the most cherished times.

Audrey and her friend Molly met at five months old in daycare, and the two girls are already destined for a lifetime of chats and giggles. It is amazing to me at such a young age, friends are already chosen. I wasn’t five months old when I met my best friend Jessica, but I was five years old and she has been in my life for 31 years. Jessica is a sister to me, she is the person who I can talk to about anything without judgment or shame.  We have been by each other’s sides through life’s big and little moments. We have been one another’s Maid of Honor and we are our children’s godmothers. Jessica is the person I trust to keep my secrets and be my cheerleader. I honestly can’t imagine any part of my life without her, childhood through today.

I have been blessed to make other great friends along the way, friends made at school, college, work, and friends who merged into my life from men I dated and one I luckily married. I have friends that have come and gone, some that have just gone, some sticking through the long haul, and some that are brand new. I am grateful for the long-time friends who I can share in silly memories with and when we connect it’s like no time has passed. I am happy for my new friends who also have small children and can relate to my crazy life. I am always up for my friends who like a night out and help me to cut loose. I love my friends who we take “family vacations” with and our children call each other “uncle” and “aunt”. It is wonderful having this small group of compionship.

When you are young the name of the game is about being popular and having a massive amount of friends, but as you get older you realize it is about quality not quantity, and you start to surround yourself with a handful of close girlfriends instead of a boatload. You also realize that while you have friends to help you through life’s disappointments and celebrate the happy occasions, you really only have one best friend. When I was younger I used to take having a best friend for granted and didn’t realize what having one, having Jessica in my life, really meant. Now I do understand and I never take her for granted. Having a best friend means when you are at your absolute worst, she is there crying with you, holding your hand, and no words have to be spoken. It means when you are at your best she is happier than when she is at her own best and is your champion. Having a best friend is a gift we are given by God, a reflection of unconditional love and acceptance.

I pray Audrey is graced with the presence of strong friendships throughout her life, and I pray she will understand and cherish early on, the miracle of a BFF.

Picture Perfect

As mothers we spend so much time trying to capture the perfect moment on film. We want video of the first steps our baby takes, we want the perfect light so we can take a picture to upload to Facebook of our toddler blowing bubbles. We force our children to smile and sit still OR ELSE so we can get the family portrait for our annual Christmas card.

 I realized today as I spent twenty minutes trying to capture my daughter at just the right angle, calling her name, and laying down on the floor, I was too busy in the future to relish the present. We want to document everything our children do, but the fact is sometimes we are missing what is happening right now just so the picture or video can be perfect. Yes pictures are important to have and hold on to through the years, but pictures aren’t as good as the real thing.

I rocked my daughter to sleep tonight. Her room was dark and peaceful. A lullaby played faintly in the background. I was flooded with memories I have shared with my child in the eighteen months she has been here, and the memories that flashed in my mind were not ones in pictures. Nursing her at 2 a.m. and watching her sleep on her daddy’s chest were only captured in my heart not on film, and those moments are the tender and true ones. So the lesson I learned is maybe instead of trying to snapshot every moment with Audrey, I should just live the moment with her and cherish the memories that are mine and mine alone.

Drama Class

Teenage girls and young twenty-somethings seem to thrive on drama. High school is full of opportunities to be obsessed, stressed and a mess…pressure to be popular and fit in, having an unrequited crush, finding a prom date, gossiping about anyone and everyone, fighting for freedom from your parents, deciding where you are going to college, falling in love, having to say goodbye after graduation, the list goes on and on. And when you are 17 all of those things mean the world to you and you tend to be very dramatic about all of it. You can’t imagine EVER loving anyone as much as you do your boyfriend, and it’s HUMILIATING that your parents have an 11:30 curfew for you. As you get older and navigate through college and the workforce you realize you have gone on to love three more boys and saying goodbye to your high school friends wasn’t so bad after all. You do however find new drama and it seems to take in the form of relationships.

I remember fighting A LOT with my boyfriends in my twenties. With “Mark” I couldn’t even tell you what the fighting was about looking back now. I think it might have been because it was my first real relationship and I was learning about myself and my needs. I was changing all the time and it caused conflict in the relationship. The fighting had it’s moments but nothing compared to the drama filled break-up. Chasing him to a bar demanding to talk, heated arguments, family and friends taking sides, crying for hours listening to our songs, you name it, it happened. I recently saw Mark, both of us with our spouses; it had been 13 years since we had seen each other. Seeing him made me smile and a flood of good memories came back (not the drama) and I wanted to sit and talk for hours, reminiscing about when we were young and catching each other up on our lives today. Instead we only had a few minutes and exchanged a brief hello.  

There were a few other boyfriends in my twenties and they too had their share of drama but in these cases I think it was mostly due to the men I was dating. I went down a path a lot of women in their twenties go down and that’s getting in relationships where you try to be the “fixer” and the “pleaser”. Those types of relationships can be toxic and there is a high level of stress and drama. I was constantly trying to diffuse a situation, make someone happy, doing things that made me unhappy, and I lived this way for awhile. For some reason I was getting something out of all of it and thrived on the highs and lows.

In my thirties I finally came to realize drama is overrated, that the roller coaster ride is not where it is at. My focus is now on being at peace and living a beautiful life. I know who I am and am comfortable in my own skin. I found the love of a kind, stable and trustworthy man that needs no fixing. I wish I had found my way here earlier.

I also wish that I could give this focus and perspective to my daughter to avoid her riding the drama wave. I don’t want her to put importance on gossiping or being most popular. I don’t want her to allow herself to be walked all over in the name of “love”. I don’t want her thinking that the big fight followed by the big make-up session is what feels good, but in reality all of this is often just a part of life and growing up. So, big sigh, I just need to be prepared and ready to support her as she rides the wave…I have great faith she will be strong enough to be standing in calm seas when it’s all over.  

Pretty Woman

At a young age a girl becomes acutely aware of her body, her clothes, her hair and those same features of the girls surrounding her.  By her family she is told she is so cute, her outfit is adorable, and her curls are unbelievable, but a young girl also compares her curls to that of the other girl on her school bus, the one who seems to have more friends and is prettier. That comparison grows stronger and as teenagers, girls pled to have designer jeans and wear MAC makeup so they can look just as good as the next girl and get attention from the popular boys. As the girls turn into women you would hope that with maturity the self doubt and insecurity would change; you would hope that a woman would have enough confidence to be just fine with her own reflection. Unfortunately that is not the case, often times it is the extreme opposite.

Married, single, or in-between, a woman is fighting to hear she looks stylish or “hot” and to feel beautiful. She puts emphasis on how thin she is and how good she looks in a bathing suit.  Sometimes the focus on being thin can turn to the extreme and focus turns into obsession.  I know this firsthand, as it happened to me.  I wanted to feel pretty and in control and the way I achieved that was by getting as thin as I possibly could.  It seemed to start out harmlessly and quickly turned into something very dangerous. I developed anorexia nervosa. At the time I couldn’t see the damage I was doing to my body, my spirit and the spirit of those who loved me, and it was a long battle. I sought out help and worked towards getting better. It wasn’t until I was told I had to gain weight in order to become pregnant that it really clicked for me. I was already on the road to recovery and the desire for a baby helped speed it along.  I gained the weight, became pregnant shortly thereafter (after almost two years of trying previously), indulged in foods I hadn’t touched in years (Chicken wings! Pizza! Bagel with cream cheese!) while still maintaining a healthy lifestyle. My daughter is now 17 months and I still live a healthy lifestyle. No more food deprivation and no more pain inflicting workouts; instead I eat a balanced diet and workout not to burn calories, but to live a long time. I found a new affection for yoga and the peace of mind it brings. The key in all of this has been moderation.

 Look, women are always going to have “fat days” and not be in love with their bodies during their periods. We are always going to want to rip Giselle’s eyes out because of how amazingly she rocks a bikini. Our daughters are going to be told they are cute and we are going to tie ribbons in their hair. I want my daughter to be a girly girl and love Barbies and I don’t see anything wrong with that. But, I will rely on my own personal experience to try and instill at an early age that Audrey is beautiful just the way she is.  I can’t stop her from wanting to be popular and by society’ standards “pretty”, but for every self doubt she internalizes, I can verbalize a note of confidence. I can also teach her by example and carry the self confidence I want her to have. It’s not going to be easy, for either of us, but I believe in her and I believe in me.

We Are Family

Traditions are something many families celebrate and often elders of the family reminisce, “When I was growing up we had dinner at my grandmother’s every Sunday night” or something to that effect.  As a child you may dread the traditions set, you argue against picnics with the cousins or visiting your great-aunt on the third Saturday of the month. You would rather be climbing trees with your neighbors or watching The Disney Channel. As a teenager the dread intensifies as any free time you have not spent with friends seems like a waste of time. But as you grow into your twenties and thirties and have children of your own you realize how great your family traditions are, and how you so badly want to carry them on for your children.  

My family has a tradition of the adults playing cards (for money of course!) after the Thanksgiving turkey has been served and settled in everyone’s bellies.  As children, this was an event my cousin and I desperately wanted to be a part of, and we were eager to put our quarters into the pot, but we were told we “weren’t old enough”.   I am so happy this non-standard tradition has stuck through the years and now I do get to laugh, talk and play with my aunts, uncles, mother and cousins in the late hours of the holiday evening. We have some of our best memories and stories to tell from our family card games. I hope as my daughter, Audrey grows up she asks to stay up a little longer to join in on the fun, and I will gently tuck her in, smile and tell her “when she is older”.

On a more conventional front, my husband, Mike and I have started our own ritual of going out for pizza every Friday night at the same time, same place. My in-laws always join us and we unwind from the week. We have recently added on to our tradition and hit up the frozen yogurt shop after dinner, which is Audrey and my favorite part of the evening.   The night is filled with great food, wine, a sweet treat, and a time and space where we know we will connect. It’s a standing appointment that we all enjoy keeping.

I have come to realize that traditions help create a family, that sometimes they are the glue that keeps everyone together.  While you don’t want to overwhelm yourself or others with too many events, customs and habits, I believe it is important to have a few that can be passed down from one generation to the next,and make the moments last that much longer, in real time and in recollections.

Not So Great Expectations

I heard something interesting on my way to work this morning. I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she was preaching on anger. She said that often we get mad at others because they aren’t doing what we want them to do and their words or actions could negatively impact our reputation. I couldn’t help but think about when my husband, Mike and I get frustrated with our daughter, Audrey when we are out in public and she is not behaving according to our standards. She may be dropping Cheerios on the floor, insisting on going “OUTSIDE!”, or crying because she doesn’t want to be carried. We get mad because our expectations are not being met. We EXPECT Audrey to act a certain way so that everyone can think she is a good girl and that we are good parents. If I am honest, if most parents are honest, we don’t want to be embarrassed; we want to be praised and our child showered with, “Look how precious she is”.

 Of course we want to raise Audrey to be well mannered so that she can agreeably function in society and know right from wrong, but we also want badges of honor on how well behaved our child is from our friends, family, and perfect strangers. This is not something parents normally admit or even take a minute to think about, but it was the first thing brought to my mind when I heard Joyce’s message this morning. We need to keep our expectations in check whether it is related to our children, our spouses, friends, and neighbors, even ourselves.  I think it important to know your beliefs and teach them to your children. You believe “please” and ‘thank you” should always be said and encourage your children to repeat those words. If your three year old son doesn’t say thank you after the Publix cashier gives him a balloon, you don’t have to turn read from frustration, apologize profusely and justify with “Nicky usually ALWAYS says thank you”. We are not perfect and we shouldn’t expect our children to be either. If you believe you and your husband should kiss goodnight and end the evening with “I love you” and sometimes your husband falls asleep before that ritual occurs, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Rather than expecting what he should do or not do, appreciate all the times he does shower you with affection. If your neighbor cuts you off at the stop sign or your aunt calls a day late to wish you a happy birthday, stop and check yourself before you get angry or judgmental.

It is okay to expect kindness, respect, and love from others, but our expectations should be in moderation…no one bats 100 out of 100. Give people a chance and more thank likely you will be a less angry person and you will be receiving more badges of honor then you know what do with.  

Baby Steps

When you become a new mom there are so many things you must learn...the art of changing a diaper, ways to survive the first few weeks of nursing, how to strap in a car seat, and how best to soothe a crying infant. You learn all these things while you survive on little to no sleep. To say the experience is life changing is an understatement. As your infant grows into a toddler you learn new things along the way, like how grateful you are for Barney and Elmo, and that you always must have Goldfish on hand, but you also really learn about yourself. You can't help but reflect on your own life, your childhood memories, your high school mishaps, and your adult choices good and bad. You so badly want to protect your child from the mistakes you made which causes you to reexamine the steps you have chosen on your journey. You realize that you have been taking baby steps and up until having your own baby, you really had no idea the enormity of your life and life choices. I have found myself reflecting on old boyfriends, late nights out, early morning prayers, split second decisions, body imagine issues, money spent unwisely, and friends who have been there along the way. I am using this blog as a confessional of sorts, to revisit old decisions, talk about current day experiences, and try to make sense of it all. I am doing all of this, baring the good, bad and definitely ugly because I have come to realize that my purpose as a parent is to be a guide and honest light to my child. I can't be those things unless I confront all aspects of my life. So here we go...