Pretty Woman

At a young age a girl becomes acutely aware of her body, her clothes, her hair and those same features of the girls surrounding her.  By her family she is told she is so cute, her outfit is adorable, and her curls are unbelievable, but a young girl also compares her curls to that of the other girl on her school bus, the one who seems to have more friends and is prettier. That comparison grows stronger and as teenagers, girls pled to have designer jeans and wear MAC makeup so they can look just as good as the next girl and get attention from the popular boys. As the girls turn into women you would hope that with maturity the self doubt and insecurity would change; you would hope that a woman would have enough confidence to be just fine with her own reflection. Unfortunately that is not the case, often times it is the extreme opposite.

Married, single, or in-between, a woman is fighting to hear she looks stylish or “hot” and to feel beautiful. She puts emphasis on how thin she is and how good she looks in a bathing suit.  Sometimes the focus on being thin can turn to the extreme and focus turns into obsession.  I know this firsthand, as it happened to me.  I wanted to feel pretty and in control and the way I achieved that was by getting as thin as I possibly could.  It seemed to start out harmlessly and quickly turned into something very dangerous. I developed anorexia nervosa. At the time I couldn’t see the damage I was doing to my body, my spirit and the spirit of those who loved me, and it was a long battle. I sought out help and worked towards getting better. It wasn’t until I was told I had to gain weight in order to become pregnant that it really clicked for me. I was already on the road to recovery and the desire for a baby helped speed it along.  I gained the weight, became pregnant shortly thereafter (after almost two years of trying previously), indulged in foods I hadn’t touched in years (Chicken wings! Pizza! Bagel with cream cheese!) while still maintaining a healthy lifestyle. My daughter is now 17 months and I still live a healthy lifestyle. No more food deprivation and no more pain inflicting workouts; instead I eat a balanced diet and workout not to burn calories, but to live a long time. I found a new affection for yoga and the peace of mind it brings. The key in all of this has been moderation.

 Look, women are always going to have “fat days” and not be in love with their bodies during their periods. We are always going to want to rip Giselle’s eyes out because of how amazingly she rocks a bikini. Our daughters are going to be told they are cute and we are going to tie ribbons in their hair. I want my daughter to be a girly girl and love Barbies and I don’t see anything wrong with that. But, I will rely on my own personal experience to try and instill at an early age that Audrey is beautiful just the way she is.  I can’t stop her from wanting to be popular and by society’ standards “pretty”, but for every self doubt she internalizes, I can verbalize a note of confidence. I can also teach her by example and carry the self confidence I want her to have. It’s not going to be easy, for either of us, but I believe in her and I believe in me.

We Are Family

Traditions are something many families celebrate and often elders of the family reminisce, “When I was growing up we had dinner at my grandmother’s every Sunday night” or something to that effect.  As a child you may dread the traditions set, you argue against picnics with the cousins or visiting your great-aunt on the third Saturday of the month. You would rather be climbing trees with your neighbors or watching The Disney Channel. As a teenager the dread intensifies as any free time you have not spent with friends seems like a waste of time. But as you grow into your twenties and thirties and have children of your own you realize how great your family traditions are, and how you so badly want to carry them on for your children.  

My family has a tradition of the adults playing cards (for money of course!) after the Thanksgiving turkey has been served and settled in everyone’s bellies.  As children, this was an event my cousin and I desperately wanted to be a part of, and we were eager to put our quarters into the pot, but we were told we “weren’t old enough”.   I am so happy this non-standard tradition has stuck through the years and now I do get to laugh, talk and play with my aunts, uncles, mother and cousins in the late hours of the holiday evening. We have some of our best memories and stories to tell from our family card games. I hope as my daughter, Audrey grows up she asks to stay up a little longer to join in on the fun, and I will gently tuck her in, smile and tell her “when she is older”.

On a more conventional front, my husband, Mike and I have started our own ritual of going out for pizza every Friday night at the same time, same place. My in-laws always join us and we unwind from the week. We have recently added on to our tradition and hit up the frozen yogurt shop after dinner, which is Audrey and my favorite part of the evening.   The night is filled with great food, wine, a sweet treat, and a time and space where we know we will connect. It’s a standing appointment that we all enjoy keeping.

I have come to realize that traditions help create a family, that sometimes they are the glue that keeps everyone together.  While you don’t want to overwhelm yourself or others with too many events, customs and habits, I believe it is important to have a few that can be passed down from one generation to the next,and make the moments last that much longer, in real time and in recollections.

Not So Great Expectations

I heard something interesting on my way to work this morning. I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she was preaching on anger. She said that often we get mad at others because they aren’t doing what we want them to do and their words or actions could negatively impact our reputation. I couldn’t help but think about when my husband, Mike and I get frustrated with our daughter, Audrey when we are out in public and she is not behaving according to our standards. She may be dropping Cheerios on the floor, insisting on going “OUTSIDE!”, or crying because she doesn’t want to be carried. We get mad because our expectations are not being met. We EXPECT Audrey to act a certain way so that everyone can think she is a good girl and that we are good parents. If I am honest, if most parents are honest, we don’t want to be embarrassed; we want to be praised and our child showered with, “Look how precious she is”.

 Of course we want to raise Audrey to be well mannered so that she can agreeably function in society and know right from wrong, but we also want badges of honor on how well behaved our child is from our friends, family, and perfect strangers. This is not something parents normally admit or even take a minute to think about, but it was the first thing brought to my mind when I heard Joyce’s message this morning. We need to keep our expectations in check whether it is related to our children, our spouses, friends, and neighbors, even ourselves.  I think it important to know your beliefs and teach them to your children. You believe “please” and ‘thank you” should always be said and encourage your children to repeat those words. If your three year old son doesn’t say thank you after the Publix cashier gives him a balloon, you don’t have to turn read from frustration, apologize profusely and justify with “Nicky usually ALWAYS says thank you”. We are not perfect and we shouldn’t expect our children to be either. If you believe you and your husband should kiss goodnight and end the evening with “I love you” and sometimes your husband falls asleep before that ritual occurs, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Rather than expecting what he should do or not do, appreciate all the times he does shower you with affection. If your neighbor cuts you off at the stop sign or your aunt calls a day late to wish you a happy birthday, stop and check yourself before you get angry or judgmental.

It is okay to expect kindness, respect, and love from others, but our expectations should be in moderation…no one bats 100 out of 100. Give people a chance and more thank likely you will be a less angry person and you will be receiving more badges of honor then you know what do with.