Baby Not On Board

Before I was even 10 centimeters dilated with Audrey, people were asking me when I was going to have another baby. Even my husband was on the bandwagon of having another one as soon as Audrey was born. Two of my girlfriends who were pregnant with their first babies the same time as me, both just had their second babies three months ago. They are beyond happy, blessed times two, and will get diapers over and done with…and that’s all great, for them.

Most everyone I talk to says they couldn’t wait to have another baby after their first, but I don’t feel that way. It’s not because I don’t like being a mother, I can’t even explain enough how much I love being a mom and how much I love Audrey. I had an easy pregnancy and delivery, enjoyed nursing, and had Audrey sleeping well early on. I enjoyed the stages and watching her grow through the first year. But the fact of the matter is, it’s HARD WORK and you lose yourself and your life for a while. Right now I am enjoying giving my undivided attention to Audrey, really being able to hear and appreciate her laugh, and having the energy to chase her around. I love that we all sleep through the night, that I can go away overnight without pumping or having an anxiety attack, and that I can enjoy multiple glasses of wine. I am happy with my life right now, and whether or not it seems selfish, I am not ready to change it.

The expectation of society is that you will have more than one child, and you are looked at disapprovingly if you say you are okay with one. “Oh no, you have to have another, Audrey needs a brother.” Yes, I agree it would be nice for Audrey to have a sibling but I don’t think she will grow up to be a mass murderer or socially challenged individual if she doesn’t have one. I grew up an only child and I think MOST people would say I am a well adjusted person. I don’t feel like my life is lacking and I don’t long for a brother or sister.

I am not sure what the future will hold for us, when and if we will try for another baby. I imagine we will when the time is right for both of us. But whatever the decision it will be based on what’s best for our family and not the opinions of others. Getting other’s views can often times be helpful, but don’t let other people’s opinion determine your beliefs.

Fear Not

It is healthy to have some amount of fear in life. I think it’s beneficial to have some fear of the consequences for you actions. It’s important to listen to your gut when you sense something is not right. Knowing who you can trust and who you can’t is critical in navigating through life. While being observant, cautious and apprehensive at times can be positive, you have to balance your elements of fear in life.

I want Audrey to grow up feeling powerful, confident, and secure. Throughout my childhood and into my adult life I suffered from major anxiety and also had an intense fear of elevators, and I don’t want that for my daughter. I watched my mother endure panic attacks, took them on myself, and it burdened me for many years.

I have worked through much of my fear, however I still have a hard time flying. I don’t think my phobia of flying is related to the other anxieties previously in my life, but it is limiting nonetheless. Instead of looking forward to a destination I often find myself glued to the seat of airplane, with my hear thumping out of chest and my palms sweating profusely. It’s not the most fun way to travel.

Audrey should know limits, what is acceptable behavior and what is not, she should have a curfew as a teenager, and obey the law. But I am going to do everything in my power so that Audrey is not limited by fears and has a healthy sense of herself and the world. I want her to ride the tallest elevators, take the long flight to Hawaii, and feel secure in her life and relationships; and who knows, I may be with her on some Aloha Airlines having the time of my life.

Free Bird

We all want it, most of us can't have it. It's an elusive paradise that often comes in spans of 10 minutes here and there. It's a gift mom's are often given once a year on Mother's Day. It's what many people aim for on a Sunday. Ah, free time, glorious moments to yourself without any interruption.

Free time is so hard to achieve because we are all so busy, especially moms. Your children need as much of your attention as they can get, on top of your husband, other family members, friends and work obligations. Even if you don't have children, there are always social and professional demands calling your name. So all too often we find ourselves saying, "If I only had an hour to myself I would..."

Read, exercise, upload pictures from the last year, make meatballs from scratch, take a bath, paint, call an old friend, and so on and so on. I know I often think this as Audrey has her arms wrapped around my legs as I try to walk in the door from working all day, and Mike calls frustrated because he is stuck in traffic, and I need to get supper ready in 20 minutes or less. I fantasize about drinking something with an umbrella in it as I sit my ass in a beach chair by MYSELF. I long for time to myself, that is until I actually get it.

I am traveling for work this week, headed to Las Vegas, and I am dreading it. Finally I will have mornings to sleep in with no one to get ready except myself. I will have evenings free to have one too many glasses of wine and not worry about being responsible. I can shop without having to feed someone Cheerios to stay happy for a few extra minutes, and I can read People magazine start to finish on the airplane. All of that sounds glorious however right now it seems like torture.

Now that I have the opportunity to enjoy free time, I am soaking in every moment of being with my daughter and husband. I am happily doing the chores and praying for time to go slow. Free time doesn't seem as great as it does in fantasy land, but maybe that's why it is important to have it. We all get so tied into our daily lives that we often take them for granted, we take for granted the act of being present in our lives and in our families.

It is a blessing to have people to answer to and things to be responsible for; it means we are connected and loved. Having free time not only rejuvinates us, but also reminds us what is really important, so what do you say...go change those sheets on your bed and that baby's diaper with a big smile on your face, and heart.