When I was in my twenties I didn’t value myself or my body enough. Don’t get me wrong, I was not a promiscuous girl, giving away the candy to anyone who was interested. I was selective with who I became intimate with, however not selective enough. I may not have had sex with everyone I dated or was interested in, but at times I did things in hopes of making a guy realize how great I was and want to love me.
I have a memory of this one guy who looking back now I am not sure why I had a crush on him, but I did. We were at his place and he wanted to fool around but wouldn’t kiss me. He kept trying to grope and I kept trying to kiss. I couldn’t understand why the heck he wouldn’t kiss me?! I think I even told him I wanted to kiss him, like sticking my mouth on his wasn’t obvious enough, and I can’t remember what he said, but I know it wasn’t “I want to kiss you so badly too and I am just prolonging our ecstasy”. I stayed a bit longer, trying to win this guy over but eventually realized he wanted one thing and he wanted it on his terms. He didn’t want me, he just want to hook up and I just happened to be there.
I was smart enough to leave, but I left feeling unworthy and foolish. I should have left the minute he showed little regard for me, but I didn’t have the self confidence then that I do today. Looking back now I want to tell my younger self, that she is smart, brave and worthy, much worthier then a kiss from some random boy named after a cartoon dog (not naming names to protect the @$#holes). I want to hug her and tell her that she should never have to try to make someone love her or try and convince someone she is special. I want her to hold her head up high and not give anything away to any man unless he makes her feel loved, valued, and beautiful. I would tell her she is so important and should walk through life situations with a strut, a swagger.
It is true that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. There are many frogs I enjoyed kissing and I am glad for the experiences I shared with them…I just wish I had bypassed the snakes and sharks I also happened to hook up with along the way. The lesson in all of this is, if your gut is telling you the man isn’t right, or if you find yourself having to throw yourself at someone to get their attention or your needs met, turnaround on your stilettos and swagger right out the door.
