Happy Thanksgiving

I love this time of year…the weather is cooler, family is together, the twinkling lights are beautiful, people are kinder, and we all seem to operate in a more peaceful place. I love the sounds of holiday music, I enjoy watching Made-For-TV Christmas movies, and I eagerly await to devour Italian Christmas cookies after the turkey.  I am filled with a sense of happiness and gratitude this time of year.

Every day of the year I try and reflect on things I am grateful for; I write out five things I am thankful for and store it in the notes section of my iPhone. Now, with Thanksgiving around the corner I am working on art projects with Audrey that revolve around gratitude. We made a gratitude turkey (on his ‘feathers’ we wrote out what we are thankful for) and we created a Thankful List. We listed 15 things we thank God for all year round. Audrey included rainbows, Daisy (our dog), and pumpkins. It was a good reminder for me that the simple things in life really do mean the most, and I should take more time to gaze at rainbows.

I wish all of you and your loved ones a Happy Thanksgiving. I pray that you have family and friends around the table to share in good food and laughter. I hope you find time to reflect on your many blessings and that you also make the time to be a blessing to someone else in need.  God Bless.

Happy Birthday Audrey Grace

Three years ago today everything changed for me. Three years ago today I became a mom.

Audrey Grace was born at 9:10 PM on November 4^th, 2010 and entered this world and my heart. I had no idea what I was in for, couldn’t predict the sleepless nights, the challenges of nursing and pumping, the love that would overtake me, the constant worry and concern for her tiny being, the pure joy over a baby’s smile and giggle, the excitement of watching her crawl, walk, and eventually run.

 

Now she is running all the time…not only does she literally run, but she also runs our lives, our hearts, our home. She always wants to be the “leader” and “in charge.” She is strong willed and independent. I hope she stays that way and throughout her life remains confident in her abilities and choices.

But even in all her confidence and strength, I am still and always will be her mom, which means for the rest of my life I will have…sleepless nights, worry and concern, abounding joy and love, and exciting days.

 

The day you become a mom your life changes and nothing is ever the same, and every day I thank God for that.

Letter To My Daughter

Dearest Audrey,

It is time for another letter sharing with you all that is my heart.

You are filled with so much energy, constantly jumping, skipping and running. You run very fast. You are also always singing and I love the sound of your sweet voice. You are such a good swimmer and show no fear of the water. You ride your tricycle with confidence and now you have a scooter at Pop Pops house! It only took you a few tries to learn how to rule the road with your scooter. Your new favorite phrase is “what can I have?”…you are always wanting to snack on something. Usually it will be cereal, Goldfish, or an apple. You are getting braver about trying new foods but are still quite picky. You decidedly LOVE candy. I tried to hold off on the candy thing but after having a couple bites of Daddy’s Menchies with M&M’s you were hooked. Now you want chocolate along with gummy bears. You get these treats on special occasions, when you make really good choices or when you are at Gigi’s house.

You are going through a phase where most nights you wake up and yell for Mommy or Daddy to “cover you”. I have tried to talk to you about covering yourself and not waking us up, even bribed you, but for whatever reason, you are stuck on this late night wake up call. I know it’s a phase and will (hopefully) end soon, and I am sure someday I will long for the days you needed me at all hours. Your new favorite “shows”are The Little Mermaid (you are slightly obsessed with Ursula and “bad guys” in general- you always want to know their names and talk about them) and Annie; we watch Annie in Mommy and Daddy’s bed for “COZY TIME!” before its bedtime. You love to hear “Princess Penelope” stories that Mommy tells and it’s our special time together.

 

You are very excited for Halloween and for Christmas. You will be a Princess for Halloween ( let’s hope you wear your costume this year) and you asked for chocolate chip cookies for Christmas. We are taking you to Disney for the first time in December and we are going with the Owens’ and Remmers’,so you will be with your best friend(s). You make it very clear, on a daily basis, that Molly is your best friend. I am so happy you have a best buddy to grow, play and learn with and I am so happy that I now have Miss Jessica. Girlfriends are the best. I pray you will always have strong female connections and you will always be a good friend.

Time is going by so fast, and it’s hard to believe you were once a little baby. You are so grown up, full of life, questions and zeal. You make our lives exciting, at times challenging, but always worth living. You are my special angel, my gift from God.

I love you,

Mama

Girlfriends

You know what is even better than evolving and becoming a better person? Having people who have known you every step of your journey and are there to help you laugh about your mistakes and applaud your growth.

I just spent a picture perfect weekend in quaint Ocean Grove, New Jersey with three of my closest friends. I have known these girls since childhood and while distance and life has changed how often we see each other, our bond has not been erased.

We are all now 30-something women with husbands and kids, but for two days we were girls again. We stayed up late laughing on the porch until our stomachs hurt. We rubbed our toes in the sand on the beach. We ate ice cream in cones. We relished in the beautiful, crisp weather, skipping through town. We shopped for licorice and knick knacks. We talked about boys. We shared secrets.

As I was going through the moments we were sharing I felt overwhelmingly blessed. All our talks made me reflect on my life and the choices I have made, some good and some really bad. The beauty is, I have grown and improved and can look back on my life experiences with ease. There is no guilt and there is no shame, just memories. And these three amazing women are in those memories, some altogether, or just one of them apart of a moment in time. These women stood by me then and they stand by me now.

We talked about making the girls weekend an annual tradition, so that at least once a year we connect with our old friends and ourselves. I pray that we do in fact make it a tradition, but I am also realistic and know it’s a possibility we may never be able to re-create that magical weekend. Life is messy, time slips away, we get weighed down with responsibilities…so if any or all of those things prevent us from another weekend, I will close my eyes and go back to this moment in time and once again see my girlfriends.

Martini Maddness

I learned a very valuable lesson in moderation this past weekend. My husband and I went out with friends to celebrate a birthday. What started out as just dinner and a couple of drinks turned into way too many drinks. I have learned I should not drink lemon drop martinis; they are too strong and I end up having too many. It happened one other time in the recent past with these tasty but evil cocktails, where I overdrew on my alcohol limit.

I like wine because I have a couple glasses, I am happy, relaxed and all in all good. With lemon drops I drink one, I get tipsy immediately and then know no bounds. I was that loud, dance-y, obviously drunk women when we were out last Saturday. Sure, it was fun and some would say I was funny, but it didn’t sit well with me the next day. I didn’t like myself for taking it too far, saying and doing things I wouldn’t normally, and being a waste the next morning.

I want to enjoy not only my night out but the next day. I want to be proud of myself and my actions, I want to be considered fun but classy and together. I want to be an example for my daughter, an example of someone who can balance work, family and fun. I grew up watching my father have too many late nights and be in bed the whole next day. I don’t want that as a memory for my daughter and maybe that’s why I am really hard on myself about the other night. There isn’t anything wrong with blowing off some steam and getting a little cra-cra every once in a while. Its okay to be silly, even a little embarrassing, especially when you are around people who love and protect you. But for me what I have learned is that every once in a while doesn’t work for ME. I won’t judge those it does work for, but for me, the feelings of anxiety and dissatisfaction it brings me is not worth it.

 

So I will continue to enjoy my glasses of Chardonnay, and maybe once in a while a girly drink, but strong a@# martinis are NOT in my moderation zone.

#DefineMe

Who are you? How would you define yourself? The first word that comes to mind is mother, I am a mother first. I am blessed to have my top hashtag be #mommy. Of course I have other traits, responsibilities and interest that make me, me. 

I love TV and my DVR, I get excited about the fall and holidays, and really enjoy a good bottle of Chardonnay. I have been known to talk too much, desired to be the center of attention, and been the first one on a dance floor. I am a woman. I am an Amazon Prime member. I find online shopping much more efficient than hitting the stores, but once I am actually in a store I feel happy and excited. I am competitive about unimportant things. I crave to be fashionable and admired for my look. I believe in Jesus and rely on him every day. I want to more prayerful. I am hard on myself and others. I can be selfish and mean. I can also be kind and giving. I like consistency, I am not big on adventure and spontaneity. I have been with the same employer for almost 15 years. I appreciate my job and career.
 I am a wife and proud to carry the name Mrs. Bollon. I am a child of God. I am a product of growing up in an alcoholic home. I can be funny. I am rough in the coordination department. I didn’t believe I could be athletic until I actually started working out. I want to write fulltime and yet I don’t make a lot of time for it. I am an only child. I am a Yankee, born and raised in the Northeast. I am getting better about speaking my truth.  I love to take quizzes (think personality, relationships) and play games like “what if…” with my friends.  I get impatient about the silliest things and need to slow down. I want praise from peers and loved ones. I was born on a Sunday. I will travel to Ireland someday. I love wearing boots, they make me feel sexy. When I try to be sexy, there is nothing sexy about it. I think I give good advice. I love my family.  I am thirty-something and remember watching the show “Thirty-something” when I was twelve. I love pictures and videos to recall memories made. I sleep well at night.

Who am I? It can’t be summed up into one word or paragraph. I am a lot of things and I am changing all the time, hopefully for the better. So I will take my  #mommy and add #workinprogress.

Music = Memories

I just finished listening to “The Highway Don’t Care” by Tim McGraw and the song conjured up sweet memories of our most recent vacation. Mental pictures of being on the boat, wind blowing my hair, the sun setting and glistening off the ocean with a drink in my hand. I love how music can put you right back into a time and place.

James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain” puts me back around the 4-H campfire and “After the Lovin” by Engelbert Humperdinck makes me fondly recall the day Mike and I moved in together. The song was playing on the radio as I was unpacking my clothes in the bedroom, full of excitement for our future. Anything by Dave Matthews puts me back to my college days, along with Hootie & The Blowfish, and Live (“Lightening Crashes” is amazing). “These Are Days” by 10,000 Maniacs brings me to the memory of senior year in high school, sitting in the auditorium and watching a slide show of pictures as we got ready to say goodbye to that chapter in our lives. Hall & Oates reminds me of driving in my dad’s grey work van. “Last Dance” by Donna Summer reminds me of singing and dancing around the house with my mother. Tiffany and Debbie Gibson remind of my youth and having my friends over as we sang along to their songs in my basement.  “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5 reminds me of my fleeting moment of “fame” and filming a TV pilot.  Alicia Key’s “No One” conjures up the memory of driving to the food tasting for our wedding, the anticipation of planning the big day and becoming a wife.. “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars brings up feelings of pure and tender love. That song was popular when my daughter, Audrey was born and I would listen to it as I took her for walks and sang it to her with tears of overwhelming joy in my eyes.

There are so many songs and so many memories I have attached to music. Most of the memories are sweet, some bittersweet. I am grateful that I not only have pictures to help tell my life story, but lyrics and melodies to also create snapshots of what once was.

Four Letter Word That Begins With "F"

FEAR is a terrible emotion. It grabs hold of you and doesn’t let go. You have to try and fight off the physical and mental grip fear puts on you. I used to be afraid of everything. I would have panic attacks in elevators, I was always paranoid someone was talking about me or was mad at me, I feared gaining weight, I trembled at the thought of flying, and  let worst case scenarios consume my thoughts. Over the years I have worked on the root of my fears and strengthening myself to combat things that scare me. I have overcome many of my  anxieties and understand why some of them existed in the first place. I still feel fear but my greatest weapon against it has been prayer and The Word. My faith has gotten me through many flights and upsetting situations.  I am now using my faith to help battle a new fear that has cultivated and that is fear of not being a good enough parent.

As a parent you often question if you are doing enough…are you spending enough quality time with your child? Are you patient enough? Are you teaching her the right things? Are you properly leading by example? Most days I can walk through these questions without unease and know I am doing my best. Then I have a morning like I did today and I am crippled with anxiety. Audrey and I battled it out this morning trying to get ready to leave for work and daycare, yes I battled with a two year old. It is all a blur now except the feeling of inadequacy and fear that I am the worst mother in the world. Rationally I know that as parents we all have moments when we are not at our best and that doesn’t take away from the love and care we provide, but emotionally fear sunk its teeth in and planted seeds of doubt and dread.

I am slowly releasing the grip of fear knowing it is useless and focusing on God’s word “Fear not for I am with you” Isaiah 41:10.  I will go home, hug my baby, have a run or a drink, count my blessings and move on as a I watch fear lose speed in my minds eye's review mirror.  

Potty Time

There are many milestones you face when raising your children and they come fast and furious. Some I have been overjoyed to reach, “She’s sleeping through the night, YAY!” and others have caused my eye to twitch and skin to crawl “She is taking steps and is way too close to the edge of the coffee table AGAIN.” I am now at the potty milestone and it is affecting me in surprising ways.

 

I thought I would be ecstatic to get rid of smelly and expensive diapers, and I am, but I am also a bit sad. Audrey literally was in diapers one day and underwear the next, and seeing her little bottom without the bulky diaper makes her seem so big. She is a big girl now, and I am reminded of it every time she yells “I have to go POOOOO- POO!!”.  I also am surprising overjoyed to watch a little human go number 2 and pride swells in my chest each time action occurs on the potty. I am however, not so excited to visit every public bathroom, multiple times in the course of an hour. Audrey not only wants to mark her territory but she wants to explore the restroom like we are on a jungle excursion in Africa. In the meantime, I am sweating in the hot, stuffy and germ filled bathroom, desperate to escape…much like I would feel on a jungle excursion.

Life flies by, it really does. Some hours or days may be long, but then all of the sudden something has significantly changed. For me I am now realizing my daughter is no longer a baby and that I shouldn’t be in such a hurry to reach the next milestone. I am going to enjoy clapping over pee-pee and wiping her little tooshie for a bit longer.

What Matters Most?

When it comes down to it what is most important to you? Day to day we seem to put importance on things that don’t really matter. We focus on other drivers on the road and traffic, grrrrrrrr. We spend time talking about our coworkers, acquaintances, and friends and the “drama’ in their lives. We spend a lot of time worrying about things that may or may not happen. We look forward to our next weekend and not the next moment we are living. We make lists of our chores and complain there is never enough time. We tell our spouse we love them as we run out the door. So what seems important? Unfortunately for most people, me included, doing what we “need to do” and letting other people/things affect us is given the greatest value daily.

But when something major happens in life, a death, divorce, health scare…importance shifts. In those times no one is counting calories or stressing about being stuck at a red light.

I want to start a prayer list, prayers to God about what is truly most important to me, right now. Some of the prayers will stand the test of time while others will shift based on the stage of my life. So here is my list as of May 31, 2013

Health and safety of my daughter ALWAYS

Good health for me, my husband, family and friends

A faithful and loving marriage

A secure, prosperous career

The ability to always comfortably pay my bills

A safe neighborhood to live and raise my family

Having peace in my heart and in life

Understanding and doing something with the calling on my life

A long, happy life here on Earth for me and those I love

An easy and inexpensive resolution with the city on the construction of our home

Audrey doing well with the transition to her new room at a daycare

Safe travels always

The removal of fear about flying

The success of Mike’s business and career; the ability to hear God’s wisdom on what’s next and how to proceed

The ability to laugh more than I cry

To become more selfless

A positive relationship with myself and my body

To have true forgiveness

To be courageous:  in making the moves right for my journey, in my confrontations and in my reconciliations

Nothing I have listed above is related to laundry, having to be right in an argument, or disgruntled coworkers….because at the end of the day, those things really don’t matter. It’s easier said then done to shift your focus everyday on what truly matters in life. Its human nature to get wrapped up in gossip, frustration, and list making, and of course we need to do the things to maintain our existence. The grocery shopping has to get done and the floors cleaned, but I just hope I don’t lose sight that looking my husband in the eye and giving him an extra hug is more important then getting to the drycleaners five minutes faster. So I guess another prayer to add to my list is the ability to balance daily responsibilities and what truly matters most.

What's on your prayer list?

Happy Mothers Day

Before I became a parent I would hear from my own mother and other moms in my life say, “Wait until you have your own children, you’ll understand”. I would stand in judgment, thinking what a cliché statement, and almost be annoyed that these mothers thought they knew more than me. Then I had Audrey and now understand the following:

• Giving your children freedom to learn on their own and make mistakes is literally terrifying, it’s like jumping of a bridge. Why? Because your heart plunges to the floor at the thought of them being hurt, scared, or disappointed, but at the same time you know you can’t hold them back from growing up.
• It will be 18 years before you can sit down at the table the entire way through dinner without having to get up to clean a spill, fetch more milk, or bring out seconds.
• You will let your child have the Mac and Cheese or white bread while you are in a restaurant so you and those around can enjoy a meal in peace.
• It will become the norm for your car and purse to be filled with two day old waffle pieces, stickers, Goldfish, dirty tissues, and random toys.
• Your heart will explode with pride when your child sings, dances, swims, or kicks a ball.
• You will have mental countdowns to naptime and a suitable hour to drink wine.
• Going to the grocery store by yourself truly is a mini vacation.
• Using the bathroom in privacy is a luxury you take for granted prior to having a child.
• You will watch horrible events on the news and you will feel sick to your stomach thinking “What if that were my child?”
• You will never really sleep soundly again.
• You save your vacation days to take care of fevers, ear infections, and tummy aches.
• You will desperately want a break from it all and when you get it, you will desperately miss your children.
• The greatest thing you will ever do is raise a child.

I am still very new at this mother thing, I only have 2 ½ years under my belt. I know I have a lot more to experience and learn. I already look back at some of my own childhood moments and see things from a different perspective. Like anything else, you really can’t understand what it means to be a mother until you are a mother.  So to all the moms out there Happy Mother’s Day, and who knows maybe you will even get to pee in private on your special day.

I'm Just Being Honest

I am not a very green person. I recycle, buy some organic food items and purchase some “green’ cleaners for my house but that’s the extent of it. I decided that I want to become healthier, more aware of the environment as a whole and our personal little space. I purchased a book called “The Honest Life” by Jessica Alba as a kick start to a more conscientious lifestyle. Now I am scared. The book is FILLED with information on everything from food, personal hygiene, decorating, fashion, parenting and so on. I am overwhelmed by all the things that are toxic and the overhaul I apparently need to make. This book encouragesyou to have an organic mattress and comforter. What??? I only thought you could buy organic apples and milk! I haven’t even had the heart to skim through the section about decorating kids' rooms and toys children play with; I am afraid if I read it Audrey will end up playing with nothing but organic wood and living in an organic cotton bubble.

Where do I start? Jessica offers up her personal tips and line of non toxic skincare and cleaners (and I am interested in trying them) but its not enough for me to calm my anxious nerves. Then I remember, everything in moderation. I don’t have to read or even agree with every section of the book. I don’t see myself giving up Lean Cusines entirely or taking away Audrey’s plastic beach balls. But I am inclined to make the yummy and easy salad dressing recipe she shared and start using more white vinegar as a cleaning agent. I need to take from it what makes sense for my life, not the life of a wealthy celebrity who means well.

Favorite Things

It helps us to mediate on some of our favorite things; it gives us a boost and motivation. By nature we tend to focus on the negatives when really there are so many positives. I am going to share some of favorite things with you- for the both of us- maybe you will be inspired by one or two of my favorites and it will feel really good for me to spend time on the things and people I love. So, in no particular order:

They’re Real mascara by Benefit- if you want fabulous, dramatic lashes then this is the mascara for you. It’s pricey but worth it. I love how my eyes look after a couple of coats. FAB!

Friday “family pizza night” at Sicilian Oven in Lighthouse Point, followed by frozen yogurt at Menchies (right next store to Sicilian Oven!)- there is no better way to end the work week then being with people I love, eating really good food.

A good chick flick type book- Firefly Lane by Kristen Hannah, Jemina J by Jane Green, Kaleidoscope by Danielle Steele, Paradise and Perfect by Judith McNaught- none of these are new, some are many years old, but they are all pager turners that come to mind. You won’t save the world or learn profound lessons reading these books, but you will laugh, cry and get swept away.

A yummy glass of Chardonnay- my trusty standby is Kendall Jackson, and for an ultimate splurge, Cakebread. Is it 5 o’clock yet??

Watching my daughter play, laugh, and be carefree- there is a feeling of pure joy that rises up inside of me when I see her really happy.

Our summer vacation in Marathon, Florida- lazy days in the sun, good food, great friends, sunset cruises with rum, sandy toes and salty kisses.

Challenging my body and mind with exercise- the thought of doing it is not actually a favorite thing (some days it’s like a celeb on the Worst Dressed List), but actually doing it, and the accomplishment of when I finish is awesome. I am all over the place with yoga, iPhone apps, boot camp classes, jogging, and it’s all good!

New Girl! The show is funny, sweet, and I am so ready for Nick and Jessica to get together. They are torturing me like Meredith and Derek did on Grey’s Anatomy.

Watching my husband work outside- I will spot him out the window, happily in his element, hot and sweaty and looking fine. I like being able to admire him and feel gratitude that he is mine.

Praying- it is amazing when you feel like you are having a conversation with God and he responds to you through whispers, reoccurring Scriptures, a sign. He recently reminded me all things are possible through Christ and that He is the light in darkness. How did he tell me this you ask? Through a dead lightbulb in my walk-in closet.  I will share the story another time.

Music- it can transport me back to middle school Roller Skating days (“Two of Hearts” by Stacey Q anyone?), pump me up for my run, make me car dance, commiserate with the broken hearted, or feel inspired. My playlists are all over the place from Zac Brown Band, to Justin Timberlake, Kelly Clarkson, Chris Tomlin, The Carpenters (“Superstar” is an AMAZING song), and U2. Music motto is like my life motto- everything in moderation.

Stella and Dot jewelry- I have recently formed a new jewelry habit. Stella and Dot is like Tupperware but jewels, scarves and now bags! Over the last couple of years I have created quite the S&D collection. Some of the items can be expensive but most pieces run between $40-$80. I have so many favorites but right now kinda obsessed with the Rebel pendent, Bardot bangle, and Serenity stone earrings.

Really good quality jeans- You will pay close to $200 for a pair but we are always in our jeans, and it’s a good splurge- try Hudson and Citizens of Humanity. You will rock that bod in these jeans!

Playing cards with my family- its been a couple of years since we had a good card session after Thanksgiving dinner but I am hoping we can bring it back this year.

TV Christmas movies- the best way to spend an evening by the Christmas tree or a lazy Sunday afternoon- ION, ABCFamily, Hallmark, Lifetime, they know how to do it right.

Okay so these are a few of my favorites…I am sure like actors accepting Oscars, I am forgetting someone or something major but for now this is my list…I know I am feeling happy after spending time reflecting on these things and people. I hope you are too because bringing people joy should be on all of our favorites lists.

Sending love,

SLB

The Big And Small Of It

I just had a fabulous long weekend. I took vacation days from work to drive three hours to Orlando with my mother-in-law to see Joyce Meyer, a Christian teacher. Some may read that sentence and think “fabulous??” or they may laugh; there are a lot of potential punch lines in that one statement. In my younger years I would have never spent my coveted time off for something like that, I would have saved it to go to the beach or travel somewhere to party with my friends. The fact of the matter is, I can’t remember a lot of those past vacation days but I will remember the ones I just took for years to come.

My new philosophy is, take the time for things that make you and your life better, more fulfilled. And it doesn’t have to be major events; I have come to realize that some of the best moments in life are made up of all the little ones. The conference itself was amazing and my focus on God and life is empowered. However, I also savored the road trip, taking our time, sharing stories, stopping for coffee and feeling the sunshine through the windows. I get joy from reliving the simple moments of walking the clean streets and enjoying the view of the beautiful lake. I am grateful that I purchased an awesome coffee mug that will make me smile every morning, and had I not traveled, I would not have found. I cherish the time we took in the afternoon to rest, and thoroughly enjoyed the glass of wine we sipped in the late afternoon.

While I had planned a big event, a trip to see Joyce Meyer and rejoice and worship, I also took away a lot of small, great memories. That is something we should all focus on and try to do everyday. Life is a big moment, and each day is a little moment that creates the definition of how we live.

What a Difference a Decade Makes

I recently heard something on the radio about being grateful for where you are today, even if you are in a dark period of your life. Think back to where you were 10 years ago and reflect on your life today relative to how it was then. 10 years ago I was 26 about to throw my own 27^th “surprise” birthday party. I had recently ended a very destructive almost four year relationship, and my birthday party was also an independence party of sorts. I was unsure about love and I was not comfortable in my own skin. I sought attention to fill voids inside. I lived by myself in quaint apartment building in Connecticut with my family’s hand me down furniture; I had burnt orange chairs from the late seventies in my dining room. I was working at a corporation, just starting out my career and living paycheck to paycheck. The beginning of my eating disorder began as I lost weight after the break-up, and couldn’t seem to stop. Some of my most important life relationships were strained and I was unaware of the impact our actions and attitude can ripple through others. I knew it was a crossroads in my life I just didn’t know which way was left and which was right.

Today, I am 36 going on 37 and birthdays don’t matter as much to me anymore. I don’t crave the attention I once did. I am more comfortable in my skin and everyday I become more aware of my actions and reactions. I am happily married, in a loving relationship with a caring and loyal husband. Together we made a beautiful and fiery daughter, and this now two year old is the love of our lives. I live in a gorgeous home, in a safe, family orientated neighborhood. In the early mornings when the sun is rising, I stand outside my front door, facing the ocean one mile from my home, and thank God for my life.  Our furniture is new and our own personal style. I work for the same corporation I did 10 years ago, and my career has flourished through the years. We have savings for retirement and a college plan for our daughter.  Almost all expect one of my most important life relationships are healthy and thriving. I would like to think I have tried hard at healing the one broken relationship, and I am open to when the other person is ready. I am on the back-end of the eating disorder and have found my love for frozen yogurt and pizza again. I am consistently looking to improve myself and my contributions to this earthly world. I am settled, content, and living a beautiful life.

So yes, looking back and looking at today I am grateful for where I am, and everything that has happened up until this point, led me to where I am supposed to be.  My past does not define me, but it gives me perspective and a sense of accomplishment, and it makes me excited for the next 10 years.

Maybe Baby

Lately I have had myself twisted on should we or shouldn’t we…have another baby. Up until this year I was 100% sure I was not ready for another little one. I wanted the time with Audrey, and after being pregnant for almost 10 months and nursing for a year, I wanted time with my own body. I have enjoyed the freedom of drinking and eating whatever I want, and now that Audrey is more independent I am enjoying the ease of having one child.

That being said, even though I was an only child, I was raised with my cousin who was like my brother (we were born two months a part), as well as I grew up with all my other cousins as they came into the picture. I lived next store to a family of five children and today my best friend is still the girl who lived next door to me when I was young. I was never without children my own age and never lacked companionship. If we don’t have another child, Audrey will not have any cousins. All our cousins who are having babies live in CT or NY. Mike’s brother won’t likely have a child anytime soon, if ever, and yes, there are a lot of children in the neighborhood, but I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket.

So Mike and I started to ‘see what happens’ last month. This means we aren’t necessarily trying, but we aren’t not trying. We both want another baby but at the same time we are overwhelmed by the thought of a toddler and an infant, waking up all hours of the night again, and going through the scary walking (lets pray she doesn’t crack her head open) stage. Sometimes dealing with Audrey is more than we can take, let alone adding another child to the mix. We love our life, we love our family just how it is. So every time we have sex I am convinced I am pregnant and become panicked. Last month I got my period and felt a sense of relief. Does this mean I am not ready? Does it mean I like the idea of a baby but not the reality of having another?

If I try and talk to family or friends about it, I am automatically told I HAVE to have another one, and often I am looked at cross-eyed if I say we aren’t sure if we will have more than Audrey. Mike told his mom last week that we may just have one, and in response she chugged her glass of Cabernet. People I don’t even know well, will ask when we are having another one, and make it their business to tell me all the reasons we have to do it. Making the decision to have a child is a personal one, and while people can tell you what you “should” do, they won’t be the ones feeding, changing, caring for, and raising your child. They don’t live in your skin, in your family, and know what works for you.

That said, I don’t really even know what works for me right now. I am scared, anxious, and confused about it. We will see what happens this month and that will be my short term answer. That answer will be between my husband, me and God. What happens from there, we will have to see. In the meantime, I will read and re-read Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

Diet Fads and Faux Pas'

I have a Facebook friend who always seems to be posting about a new diet or exercise fad. She swears of everything other than whatever her new focus is on. Right now she is adamant that the Paleo Diet is the only way to go; basically she and her family are eating like cavemen. This diet does not allow cereal, bread, dairy or beans to name a few restricted items. In the past she has trained for marathons and preached that running was the best form of exercise, and outweighed what you eat. Just two weeks ago she was feeding her daughter chocolate all day long.

Am I judging her? If I am honest, probably. I get frustrated when people can’t seem to grasp the simplicity of a healthy lifestyle. I know I shouldn’t be one to talk because I faced and continue to face my own food demons, but even with that or maybe in spite of that, I comprehend it’s not about an all or nothing approach. It’s about living a well balanced life, including exercise, some type of movement. It doesn’t mean you have to hit the gym six days a week for an hour if that’s not what you like to do. It means you do a yoga DVD at home, or you go for a walk, train for a 5K, or ride your bike. You give yourself the freedom to do choose the best form of exercise for you, not what the guy on the P90X infomercial is telling you. If you want a boot camp type of workout, then go for it, but if not, find your stride and be happy with it.

Same goes for what you put in your mouth. Don’t stress because the latest trend paints yogurt as the devil and that’s your go to healthy snack. Guess what, yogurt is a good go-to snack, as it has probiotics, protein and calcium. I recently heard about the newest diet revolution in which you can eat whatever you want but it has to be within eight hours- so from the time you eat breakfast the clock starts. That means since I eat breakfast at 7:30, I need to eat my last bite by 3:30 IN THE AFTERNOON. Maybe that works for some people, but not for me. I prefer a yogurt as a snack at 3:30.

Yes, you should mostly eat lean meats, vegetables and fruit, avoid anything deep fried or creamy, and lay off soda and candy…but that doesn’t mean as TSwift says, never, ever! EVERYTHING IN MODERATION. While I am not into soda and candy, I take great joy in dark chocolate covered almonds, Frosted Mini Wheats cereal, pita chips and frozen yogurt. I eat chicken wings on the weekend too (GASP!) and I am healthy.

I just wish we would stop putting all this pressure on ourselves to be the perfect everything…the prettiest mom, the fittest friend, the healthiest neighbor. I wish we wouldn’t compare ourselves to the trends and fads, that we wouldn’t beat ourselves up because we didn’t finish the six weeks of Insanity DVDS. We all do it, I used to get caught up and jealous of those who run 30 miles a week and act like it’s as easy as brushing their teeth. I tried to keep up for a long time but that pace wasn’t for me. I found a pace that works for me right now.

That’s the thing, life changes. Sometimes you have more time to focus on being healthy and other times you have none. So just go with it, go with the flow.  Educate yourself on health, find what makes you happy, commit to taking care of yourself, set goals, reward yourself for achieving your goals, be kind to yourself when you have an off day, and block out all the outside noise. As another great poet, XTina, sang “You are beautiful, no matter what they say…”

Truth Be Told...

With Lance Armstrong’s recent declaration of the truth, admitting to his lies and flaws, it got me to thinking…do I have amends to make, truths to share?

It’s easy for us to judge others, someone like Lance and be appalled at his behavior, shocked that someone would and could deceive on such a large scale. On the other side of it though, we are all flawed, we are human, and we have made mistakes along the way. Obviously we may not have had worldwide impact with our deceit like Lance, and I am not saying what he did was right. I am just saying that it’s all relative, and if you hurt one person or tell one lie, making peace and improving your character is something we should all strive to achieve.

Looking back on my past, I know I was not always honest or virtuous in my behavior. I made excuses and villianized the other person(s) so my words or actions were justified. I tired to make myself look better, by trying to make others look bad. I didn’t think about other people’s feelings when I made decisions and considered my needs the most important. I shared secrets I shouldn’t have. I did things I knew were wrong so I would be liked and popular.

In reading this, I sound unkind and ugly, and at times I was, and I am sure there will be times again. But at my core I have always been a caring person, and today I strive to make better decisions then I did the day before. I share this with you, because I don’t think there is a person who hasn’t gossiped, judged,  lusted after something or someone we shouldn’t have, told a lie (whether big or small) or hurt someone’s feelings. And before we start pointing fingers at other people and make bold statements that a person doesn’t have a right to a second chance or to apologize, we should look at ourselves. If with only ourselves, we should reflect on our shortcomings, take accountability, and move forward to the best tomorrow we can live.

This is 40?

I remember being a child, getting ready to go to a surprise birthday party for a family member turning 40. The details are fuzzy on the night and how it unfolded, but I clearly remember that at the time I thought 40 was the age of someone who was really grown up. It was the age of someone with their own car and house, someone who could stay up as late as they wanted and make all their own choices.

Fast forward many years later, and my husband is turning 40 tomorrow. As we are getting ready to celebrate this big birthday milestone, I have come to realize some of what I thought as a child is in fact true…we own a home, a couple of cars, and we make our own choices. What I didn’t realize back then is that making choices isn’t always easy, and we don’t particularly like to stay up late. In fact, we would love to have a bedtime of 8:00 most nights.

I also didn’t realize as a child that I would feel almost the same now as I did back then. Sure, I have matured, gained life experience and responsibility, but underneath all of that I have some the same attributes and sense of self. I still don’t like red meat. I can still be terribly insecure and I want to be liked and fit in. I still like to express myself through writing. I still love snuggling in my pjs and watching tv under the covers. I still ask my mom’s opinion on almost everything. I still like to play dress up. I have the same best friend since Kindergarten.  I still think “Growing Pains” and “Who’s The Boss” are some of the best shows ever. I still would love to sing and dance on a big stage on day. I still have my favorite stuffed animals and find comfort when I come across them. I still don’t like confrontation. I still hate that my parents fought a lot. I am still trying to figure out my place in the world.

There are so many similarities to my child and adult self, and I am sure that is the case for most of us. When we or those we love reach these milestone birthdays, it gives us cause to reflect on our lives and ourselves. For me, in these last few days of reflections I have realized that I will probably never be really grown up, no matter my age, and that I cherish my child self, because she is me today.