This is 40?

I remember being a child, getting ready to go to a surprise birthday party for a family member turning 40. The details are fuzzy on the night and how it unfolded, but I clearly remember that at the time I thought 40 was the age of someone who was really grown up. It was the age of someone with their own car and house, someone who could stay up as late as they wanted and make all their own choices.

Fast forward many years later, and my husband is turning 40 tomorrow. As we are getting ready to celebrate this big birthday milestone, I have come to realize some of what I thought as a child is in fact true…we own a home, a couple of cars, and we make our own choices. What I didn’t realize back then is that making choices isn’t always easy, and we don’t particularly like to stay up late. In fact, we would love to have a bedtime of 8:00 most nights.

I also didn’t realize as a child that I would feel almost the same now as I did back then. Sure, I have matured, gained life experience and responsibility, but underneath all of that I have some the same attributes and sense of self. I still don’t like red meat. I can still be terribly insecure and I want to be liked and fit in. I still like to express myself through writing. I still love snuggling in my pjs and watching tv under the covers. I still ask my mom’s opinion on almost everything. I still like to play dress up. I have the same best friend since Kindergarten.  I still think “Growing Pains” and “Who’s The Boss” are some of the best shows ever. I still would love to sing and dance on a big stage on day. I still have my favorite stuffed animals and find comfort when I come across them. I still don’t like confrontation. I still hate that my parents fought a lot. I am still trying to figure out my place in the world.

There are so many similarities to my child and adult self, and I am sure that is the case for most of us. When we or those we love reach these milestone birthdays, it gives us cause to reflect on our lives and ourselves. For me, in these last few days of reflections I have realized that I will probably never be really grown up, no matter my age, and that I cherish my child self, because she is me today.