What a Difference a Decade Makes

I recently heard something on the radio about being grateful for where you are today, even if you are in a dark period of your life. Think back to where you were 10 years ago and reflect on your life today relative to how it was then. 10 years ago I was 26 about to throw my own 27^th “surprise” birthday party. I had recently ended a very destructive almost four year relationship, and my birthday party was also an independence party of sorts. I was unsure about love and I was not comfortable in my own skin. I sought attention to fill voids inside. I lived by myself in quaint apartment building in Connecticut with my family’s hand me down furniture; I had burnt orange chairs from the late seventies in my dining room. I was working at a corporation, just starting out my career and living paycheck to paycheck. The beginning of my eating disorder began as I lost weight after the break-up, and couldn’t seem to stop. Some of my most important life relationships were strained and I was unaware of the impact our actions and attitude can ripple through others. I knew it was a crossroads in my life I just didn’t know which way was left and which was right.

Today, I am 36 going on 37 and birthdays don’t matter as much to me anymore. I don’t crave the attention I once did. I am more comfortable in my skin and everyday I become more aware of my actions and reactions. I am happily married, in a loving relationship with a caring and loyal husband. Together we made a beautiful and fiery daughter, and this now two year old is the love of our lives. I live in a gorgeous home, in a safe, family orientated neighborhood. In the early mornings when the sun is rising, I stand outside my front door, facing the ocean one mile from my home, and thank God for my life.  Our furniture is new and our own personal style. I work for the same corporation I did 10 years ago, and my career has flourished through the years. We have savings for retirement and a college plan for our daughter.  Almost all expect one of my most important life relationships are healthy and thriving. I would like to think I have tried hard at healing the one broken relationship, and I am open to when the other person is ready. I am on the back-end of the eating disorder and have found my love for frozen yogurt and pizza again. I am consistently looking to improve myself and my contributions to this earthly world. I am settled, content, and living a beautiful life.

So yes, looking back and looking at today I am grateful for where I am, and everything that has happened up until this point, led me to where I am supposed to be.  My past does not define me, but it gives me perspective and a sense of accomplishment, and it makes me excited for the next 10 years.

Maybe Baby

Lately I have had myself twisted on should we or shouldn’t we…have another baby. Up until this year I was 100% sure I was not ready for another little one. I wanted the time with Audrey, and after being pregnant for almost 10 months and nursing for a year, I wanted time with my own body. I have enjoyed the freedom of drinking and eating whatever I want, and now that Audrey is more independent I am enjoying the ease of having one child.

That being said, even though I was an only child, I was raised with my cousin who was like my brother (we were born two months a part), as well as I grew up with all my other cousins as they came into the picture. I lived next store to a family of five children and today my best friend is still the girl who lived next door to me when I was young. I was never without children my own age and never lacked companionship. If we don’t have another child, Audrey will not have any cousins. All our cousins who are having babies live in CT or NY. Mike’s brother won’t likely have a child anytime soon, if ever, and yes, there are a lot of children in the neighborhood, but I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket.

So Mike and I started to ‘see what happens’ last month. This means we aren’t necessarily trying, but we aren’t not trying. We both want another baby but at the same time we are overwhelmed by the thought of a toddler and an infant, waking up all hours of the night again, and going through the scary walking (lets pray she doesn’t crack her head open) stage. Sometimes dealing with Audrey is more than we can take, let alone adding another child to the mix. We love our life, we love our family just how it is. So every time we have sex I am convinced I am pregnant and become panicked. Last month I got my period and felt a sense of relief. Does this mean I am not ready? Does it mean I like the idea of a baby but not the reality of having another?

If I try and talk to family or friends about it, I am automatically told I HAVE to have another one, and often I am looked at cross-eyed if I say we aren’t sure if we will have more than Audrey. Mike told his mom last week that we may just have one, and in response she chugged her glass of Cabernet. People I don’t even know well, will ask when we are having another one, and make it their business to tell me all the reasons we have to do it. Making the decision to have a child is a personal one, and while people can tell you what you “should” do, they won’t be the ones feeding, changing, caring for, and raising your child. They don’t live in your skin, in your family, and know what works for you.

That said, I don’t really even know what works for me right now. I am scared, anxious, and confused about it. We will see what happens this month and that will be my short term answer. That answer will be between my husband, me and God. What happens from there, we will have to see. In the meantime, I will read and re-read Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.